zoo keeper work experience
A few years ago I thought I might like to get into animals, so I volunteered to help out at the local zoo. The consequences were dire for the animal kingdom.

My first job was to feed the pandas, Bing-Bing and Cha-Cha, one of the few mating couples in the west. So I gathered together a big bundle of bamboo, tied it with twine and left it outside their cave. By lunchtime they hadn't eaten any of it, so I grabbed the bundle and tossed into the cave. A day or two later, I arrived at work to see a camera crew gathered outside the cave and much agitation among my superiors. Apparently, some fool has tossed a bundle of bamboo into the cave just as Bing-Bing was going to mount Cha-Cha. The male had been concussed, then Cha-Cha had eaten the twine and choked to death.

Suspicion fell upon me and I was sent to work with something less responsible - the insects. It was a dull exhibit really, just a bunch of flies and spiders and butterflies and stuff. It was always sweltering hot in there and I was so uncomfortable that eventually I had to turn the thermostat down. Fortunately, feeding them was simple: they seemed to be self-sufficient. The spiders ate the occasional fly, the butterflies ate droplets of water or whatever and the stick insects ate bits of bark. Or so I presumed. Next morning, they'd all frozen to death because some fool had turned the heating off.

The finger of suspicion fell upon me and I was given the job of mucking out the elephants. This entailed shovelling great pats of shite into a wheelbarrow and taking it to the compost heap about a mile away. That seemed too much like hard work for me, so I just slung the stuff over the fence enclosing the elephants. Job done. Until I discovered the next morning that some fool had emptied a couple of hundred kilograms of elephant shite into the koi carp pond, killing all the fish.

That zoo was doomed from the start.
(frankspencer, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 9:51, 8 replies)

You!
.
Made that up!

But don't see people jumping down your throat.

Infamy! Infamy!

They've all got it infamy
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 9:56, closed)

Legless
You're just too famous - you have enemies. I think people pity my delusional state and are kinder.
(frankspencer, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:11, closed)

Frank was fired for killing the fish...
And I took over from him...

My first job was to humanely dispose of all the fish Frank had killed.

“Fuck this for a lark” I thought…I just threw the buggers into Leo the lion’s cage. The next day I checked, and lo and behold, they were all gone. Result.

For my next task, I was sent to work cleaning out the chimpanzees.

Well that looked like a bit of a mucky job, and I couldn’t really be arsed, so I just sprayed the floor with water. Covered the place.

Wouldn’t you know it? 2 of the bloody chimps climbed down from their frame, slipped on the water and brokes their backs. Stone.fucking.dead. Shit.

Well, as you can imagine I was a bit worried about getting into trouble, so remembering Frankspencer’s advice, I threw the bodies into the lions’ cage.

Next day I checked…and they were gone. Get in there.

For my next job, I was also sent to the insects exhibit. Particularly the bee hives. Well, in my full protective gear I started to approach the bees but something must’ve spooked ‘em pretty bad, because they all came flying out and attacked me! The bastards!

So I grabbed the nearest thing that came to hand…a shovel actually…and started swatting the buzzing fuckers for all I was worth. Before I knew what was happening, I was standing in a pile of bees…all squashed to buggery. Oh crap.

Well, I did the only honourable thing…I scraped them all into a wheelbarrow and chucked the bodies into Leo’s cage. Checked next day…Bees gone…Job done.

The day after that, I had to take a delivery of a new Lion. As it was being led into the cage I saw it approach Leo and I’m sure I heard something like:

New Lion: “Hello, What’s your name?”
Leo: “Leo”
New Lion: “Well Leo, nice to meet you. Do they treat you alright here? What’s the diet like?”
Leo: “Ah, it’s not too bad, for the last three days I’ve had fish, chimps and mushy bees!”

*baddum tish*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:23, closed)

Pooflake
I salute you. You must do less work than anyone else in the UK.
(frankspencer, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:30, closed)

What can I say?

It's not easy doing this little...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:41, closed)

Well done
Frank and Pooflake.

My keyboard has just been showered with crisp crumbs.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 7 Dec 2007, 12:19, closed)

Frank
.
No matter what you do, no matter what you write, there'll always be a place in my heart for you just for one story, one line.

"ENJOY THIS STORY? YOU'RE ALL PERVERTS. IT'S MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE!"

Frank gets it - the rest of you can Google it.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 12:33, closed)

Frank & Legless...

You're a pair of gits...

'ENJOY THIS STORY'??? I'm supposed to be leaving work in 2 minutes and I can't stand up now 'cos of the stonk on!

So now i'm going to have to sit here and gurn (on unpaid overtime) while my gargantuan stiffie subsides...

1 minute to go and no sign yet...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 7 Dec 2007, 12:58, closed)