Crazy flatmate and Damien the cat
Batshit McFatCunt to give her her full name came to live with us as she was known by a friend-of-a-friend who said she was awesome and would be a joy to live with…this was a lie. Batshit brought with her a possessed cat – a real unholy motherfucker – meaner than a mean thing with extra sharp claws that didn’t blink – it stared. It stared directly and fixedly at your soul. It was clear from the start that Batshit’s cat was going to kill us. We may have been suffering slightly from paranoia but the cat was just pure evil. It hissed, spat and clawed at anything that moved within ten feet of it. Now I blame Batshit for the behavior of the cat but he seemed to revel in his cuntiness.

With overlords now living with us we had to formulate a plan to get rid of them - Frog Brothers style. (Douse the fucker in garlic and holywater…was not something we tried). Well it was decided that Lance – a fat med student would sort out this problem. Lance was the only person who got up early enough.

For two weeks Lance got up and cleaned out Damien’s kitty litter tray and disposed of the evidence elsewhere. I forgot to mention Damien was a house cat - shame really as we lived near a busy road.

So Batshit starts to question us, did you clean out Damien’s kitty tray? Nope, not us. Batshit started to worry – we all searched the house for kitty poop but found nothing. Batshit starts to worry that Damien is ill and plans trip to the vets. Other than needing an exorcism Damien gets a clean bill of health, and I’ll bet he behaved beautifully for the vet.

Two weeks pass and Damien hasn’t done a single shit – until one Saturday morning – the house is full of a gut wrenching stench and there in the kitchen in the middle of Damiens kitty litter tray is the biggest stinkiest shit – almost curling over the sides. Lance had done a fine jobby indeed. Knowing he’s been fixed up Damien has a rather perplexed look on his face. Batshit is woken up and told that the kitty tray needs cleaning…I’m not sure she ever questioned the enormous turd laid by Damien as he was much better after that.
(i anglepoise, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:44, 2 replies)

many points
for the Lost Boys ref.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 14:21, closed)

its quiet in here....

i knew i should have gone with the "woke up to find my dog has diahhhoea, he's shat all over the kitchen, while i'm cleaning it up i do a little bit of sickup, which makes me slip in some shit which makes me properly sick on myself which kicks off the day wonderfully".
(i anglepoise, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 9:55, closed)