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This is a question Anonymous

One of the B3ta team danced on stage at the Brixton Academy dressed as an enormous white rabbit, and lived to tell the tale. Confess the stuff – good or bad - you've done anonymously.

(, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 12:10)
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Not my story.
However, it's one I would like to do one day.


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
(, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 20:06, 11 replies)
can't remember where i read this first, a looooooooong time ago...
but it was funny then.
and still funny now!

and you did state it wasn't your story, so click for that.
(, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 21:03, closed)
What he says
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 2:27, closed)
One minor point..
How do you tell if someone has "slammed" the phone down on you?
You only hear a *click*.
It could have been placed down quickly, yet very gently.

Sorry, but I worry about these things....
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 8:57, closed)
You know when you kinda (maybe intentionally) misplace the phone back down
and it makes a huge clattering racket before the *click*? That sounds like a slam. Could be that.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 9:28, closed)
"I then heard a click which meant he had replaced the handset."
doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 9:55, closed)
I think
that it requires an old fashioned phone with a cord. If you slam one of those down into its cradle, it makes a loud crash in the other person's ear.

One of the downsides of cell phones- you can't make a dramatic hang-up.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 15:45, closed)
It's fucking embarrassing
when you try to hang up in a huff and end up pressing a number instead.
(, Sun 17 Jan 2010, 18:33, closed)
This is Dave Barry, IIRC...
It reads a lot like him anyway.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 9:20, closed)
This definitely happened

(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 9:49, closed)
This is
total genius, I speak to bellends all day.

I could with a stress relief asshole :D
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 13:42, closed)
years n years n years old
but I still grin immensely every time I read it :)
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 16:32, closed)

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