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This is a question Anonymous

One of the B3ta team danced on stage at the Brixton Academy dressed as an enormous white rabbit, and lived to tell the tale. Confess the stuff – good or bad - you've done anonymously.

(, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 12:10)
Pages: Popular, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

pennies from heaven
My first office job I worked in a mail room (oft refered to as the "male" room, I was the only female) Anywhoo, I got this idea one day to pick a name at random from the 600 employees the company had. Name landed on a quiet middle aged man who worked on the third floor.

Every day I would tape a penny to a blank sheet of company letterhead and interoffice mail it to him. Used to make me smile when I would deliver the mail and see the little stack of pennies on his desk.

When I left that job I finally told him it had been me. He said he would be sad that I left as he was saving for retirement and it brought a smile to his face every day.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 23:03, 3 replies)
It was all a bit charmingly "old school"
My wife and I were enjoying a very social afternoon / evening in a large farmhouse kitchen. The type where there is a huge farming family and loads of farm workers and half the village seems to wander in and out. In rural communities this is not uncommon.

During this free-for-all an older chap dropped in and elaborated a tale about how he had met a "biologist" who was searching for wild cats in the area. The type he was looking for evidence of were of puma size. These have been mooted to exist in the UK for some time and there have been a lot of anecdotal reports. The "biologist" had even gone so far as to enlist the help of the local public by getting a letter published in the local paper explaining his aims.

Our friend telling the tale was keen to make sure that we understood that he was convinced that he had seen them and that he was helping the "biologist" locate them in the area.

At this point one of the farmers sons who was in his early twenties (age irrelevant but I don't care), piped up that he had seen one of these cats "scampering over the hill like a brown badger". Much hilarity ensued as you can imagine. this was well before the days of teh interwebs or it could have been much worse.

I felt that it would be a mighty fine idea if this "brown badger" sighting was made a bit more public and duly penned a letter to the local paper; signing it from the farmers son in question. This was then published and two things happened:

1. His life in the pub was made much more amusing for the next few weeks - rural communities tend not to have great deal to dwell upon and any point of interest can hang around a long time. lols well before lols had been invented.

2. The "biologist" began contacting him to see if he could point him in the direction of the sighted "big cat"

I never owned up to writing the letter but having suffered at the hands of this chaps practical jokes for some time previously; one back was worth it.

The other anonymous act was to shop someone for drink driving. I would note that I did it out of safety for the inhabitants of the town. Its a hell of a long story and I have never regretted it for one minute.

Length? Its not the length you want to be concerned about.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 22:06, 1 reply)
i shall probably regret telling you this
when I was doing my A levels, the internet didn't exist, so I had to go to the library to research stuff and, you know, read actual books.
On one occasion, the book I needed had to be ordered in, and when it arrived I found inside, presumably having been used as a bookmark, the previous borrower's request card.

That had her name and home address written on it.

So every so often, when I was bored, I would write her a letter.
I have no idea if she ever received them, or if she did, what her reaction was.
(They weren't weird or sexual or threatening or anything - usually just a retelling of something interesting I had found out about, so hopefully she wouldn't have been upset by them)

After a while I realised just how pointless and stupid it was, so I stopped.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 21:56, 4 replies)
I was a temp in a medical library
One day I was having a bit of bother photocopying a page from a rather large medical journal and pressed down a little too hard and cracked the glass. Nobody was around at the time so I just left it and walked away.

This has been on my conscience for over twenty years so thank you for this opportunity to confess.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 21:45, 3 replies)
my reward will be seeing her face
My neighbour lost her husband, I have been secretly putting alot groceries on her front porch for over a year now.
She thinks its from a local church and has no idea I am helping her.
Its fun to listen to her go on and no about how I should become an xian and go to that church because they are such angels there because it would help me become a good person and i am going to hell because i dont believe in her Jesus. Eventually I am going to tell her that her jesus is bullshit fiction and its the pagan next door thats been filling her belly.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 20:38, 4 replies)
There used to be a building site on Woodhouse Lane in Leeds where someone had painted "IT IS THE FACE WISH HOW" in three-foot letters along one wall.
I'd quite like to meet the anonymous scribe responsible, if only to ask what the completed message would have said, and/or what the chuffing hell they were on about.

I used to see it at least twice a day for the best part of a year, and even now it's nagging at my unconscious.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 19:57, 5 replies)

a pickle jar, a litre of bombay saphire, tonic water and a lime.
edit : oh, and I got an errection
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 19:42, Reply)
I had sex with a b3tan...
I kinda hoped I'd spelled it right and all, ya know?

I aint added no links.

She wasn't no Brixtahnt.

She been a bit ov a lundunnah\ ohkay?

x :0
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 19:27, 7 replies)
Sending free samples
First post so please be gentle.....

Once a few years back I had delivered a great many free samples of "embarrassing femenine hygene products" to am friend of mine under the femenine version of his name, this went on for a couple of months and he still has no idea it was me who sent them.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 19:22, Reply)
I often leave unique CD mixes of my experimental music
In cities and towns, without even a link on it...

It amuses me to think that someone somewhere might be listening to my frenzied nonsense....
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 18:32, 3 replies)
Petting Zoo
There was a scheme at my local petting zoo to donate a certain amount of money to name a smooshy fuzzy God-fearing animal for toddlers to fondle.

$50 anonymously donated for 'Death Bunny' was the best money I've ever spent.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 18:19, 1 reply)
Phones with conference capabilities are best
you can call two people then lurk while they accuse eachother of placing the call - use the mute button. Once I did this to two lady friends hoping it would cause LOLzie confusion, but they ended up talking about boring stuff for 1/2 hour, apparently not concerned about who initiated the call. Took the fun out of it.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 18:02, Reply)
Tape and Muscle Guy's Facial
One summer I worked at a warehouse with my much older brother who has always been blessed, not with a sense of humor, but a sense of devious. Big brother had a rule that was dangerous to violate: never crack a smile or let on that you did it. Most people knew, but his soberness made it off-putting. I was always a willing apprentice.

1)taking the clear packing tape, turning it inside out and placing it sticky side out around a door knob. It was impossible to detect to the many in the office and created much hilarity when someone would approach the door, grab the handle and the almost fall over backward with a back strain and a sticky mass in their hand. I even saw it happen to the blow hard Texan that owned us for 8 hours a day. The sheer willpower required to not burst out laughing made me a better man.

2)We also used to make a lot of deliveries, travelling around in an old crap Chevy van held together by the above-mentioned tape. To alleviate boredom, we would take the paper from our drinking straws, chew it up and spit it at random people walking down the street.

However, ingesting straw paper can make one very queasy (and give you AIDS – really!), so we tried many other objects and finally settled on Trident red gum. It held a good aerodynamic shape and didn’t stick to the straw like the manky green Trident gum did.

I became so proficient in my weapon that I could hide the straw down my forearm fire and return it to the ready position in milliseconds. People would slap at the gum bullet thinking it was an insect or try to fish it from their hair, always reacting in surprise once they dug the bullet out and smelled it.

We only had one close call when my brother had been fermenting a large amount of straw paper, but no victim could be found. We finally saw this huge muscle guy standing by a stop light. My brother waited until the light turned green then **schhplattt** muscle guy was covered with straw paper glue and an unusual amount of salivary gland emission. I floored it, then stomped the breaks – traffic jam!

Muscle guy saw our predicament, uttered some naughty words and started running at the van. My brother, usually so stoic, started freaking out. Just as muscle guy grabbed the door handle, traffic cleared, I floored it and he tumbled into the street after hanging on for a second or two, skinned knees and a very prominent straw paper tilaka on his face. Sorry muscle guy.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 17:43, 2 replies)
Not quite Anonymous
Back when I was a young ‘un at school spending my days being commanded by bells and teachers, Valentines Day was a big deal. Your popularity depended on you receiving a vast amount of cards, whether you wanted it to or not. The only escape from ridicule would be if you were already in a relationship, then you were excluded from the horror of the ‘card count’… well, so long as whoever you were with conformed and brought you one!

Anyhoo, one of my friends was highly panicked the day before V day because the previous year she didn’t get any cards. For some reason peoples stupid opinions mattered to her and she was afraid the same thing would happen two years in a row. Seeing how upset she was I decided to make sure she had at least one card to open so ran out to buy her one after school. On my way to the shops I bumped into a mate who confessed that he was going to buy a card for her as well. I got really excited and left him to pick up a card. Now even though I knew she was guaranteed a card I still followed through with my plan because I figured two cards would make her even more happier, so I brought the card, disguised my handwriting and popped it in her locker early on V day.

Sauntering into the classroom she casually dropped her cards on the desk then jumped around clapping. ‘I’ve got two’ she screeched and tore at the cards manically. The first card was from my mate Simon and he had signed his card with an S (oooh mysterious). The guessing game began as she searched her brain for all the names of boys in our year with a first name starting with an S. Giggling away she opened the second card (from me) and paused to read the message I had written. ‘What’s this all about’ she cried, bringing me out of my good-deed haze. ‘Who’s that?’. Right. Now at this point I should explain, whilst writing out the card I had toyed with leaving the signature blank to keep her guessing but on a whim decided to sign it 'From Anonymous'… only problem was she didn’t know what anonymous actually mean so spent the rest of the day frantically trying to find someone in the school with the first name Anonymous… she thought he might have been Greek… erm… yeah…

I did confess at the end of the day and I would have explained sooner, but frankly I was killing myself with laughter about the whole thing… Oh I guess I am evil. Shit.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 16:37, 8 replies)
Rock night
I used to go to a rock night in Twickenham. It was good fun and lots of the devil's water was consumed. It also used to involve a rather lengthy train ride on an express train, so that we simply whizzed some of the local stations and would only stop at the main stations.

After one night of rock laden frivolities and a suitable amount of whiskey, I found myself on the train with a bladder full to bust. Being quite a quiet train and nobody apart from friends on my carriage I did what needed to be done. Down came the half window type thing by the door (old trains were so much more fun), down came the trousers and underwear, and a glorious stream of piss flowed.

Now most probably the speed of the trian would've have plastered said piss to the rest of the carriage. But somewhere deep inside it makes me a little bit fuzzy to think that the people waiting on the platform in Norbiton recieved a horizontal slash of yellow anonymity upon that very night.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 16:13, 3 replies)
While I was waiting for the bus yesterday morning...
...there was a patch of virgin snow. Before anyone else arrived, I walked into the middle of it, then carefully retraced my footsteps in reverse.
It wasn't the best illusion ever, but I like to think that at least one person saw it and laughed :)
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 16:04, 4 replies)
Ringing the company secretary and asking her to make the following announcement over the office tannoy system...

"If anyone would like to see Mike Hunt please contact reception, thank you"

...works every time, especially with temps.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 15:59, 2 replies)
When I'm in the khazi at work, I unravel the loo roll and write:

"Help, I'm trapped in a toilet roll factory"

Before rolling it back up for the next chap to find.

I then have to utilise a second roll for wipeage, so as to not spoil my cunning plan or get ink up my brown eye.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 15:47, 13 replies)
I mastered the art of copying other peoples handwriting in graffiti on the cublicle walls of the works toilets. It was a real hoot that caused some real controversy and landed one or two of my unknowing victims in serious trouble.

Gone are the days of the once great British manufacturing industry...
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 15:43, Reply)
What, noone's mentioned gloryholes yet?
Oh.er. ok.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 15:15, 3 replies)

(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 14:54, Reply)
We are many, we are legion
Project Chanology 2008
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 14:52, 1 reply)
...am Legless
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 14:12, 9 replies)
Technicolour doggy poops
I went through a stage of spray painting dog poohs, usually in luminuos pink, greeen and yellow paint, in a weird sort of way I was drawing attention to the fact too many people do not clean up after their dogs but it also looked pretty ace.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 13:42, 2 replies)
If you were in Cambridge in autumn 1999
and wondered why a scrawled "fuck shit up" was appearing on posters, exam results sheets, notice boards and suchlike..

..that was me. I'm not sure why I did it. I also used to sneak into the computer block of a certain college at 4am and crack one off over internet porn. I'm not proud.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 13:26, Reply)
I use a website to hide my indentity.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 13:25, 2 replies)
Standard Grade Exams...
In our 6th year at Largs Academy an old friend of mine, who we shall call T for anonymity, wrote "YOU ARE ALL GOING TO FAIL!!!" on the wall of the exam hall where the Standard Grades were being sat the next day.

Same said person,was bet that he wouldn't headbutt the wall of the common room, which was acting as a secondary exam hall. He did, and there was 2 and a half foot hole in it where there was a severe head/wall connection.

Good times had by all that day =]
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 13:20, Reply)
I'd been having a bad day......
Sat in the car park of a large supermarket in Leicester, taking the umpteenth pointless phone call of the day from my knob head of a boss.I was in the mood to open a vein.
Just then I saw a stunningly attractive young woman walk past with a beatific smile on her face. Her looks and demeanour lifted my mood immediately and I felt much better.
I wrote a few anonymous sentences on a post-it note saying basically she looked fabulously attractive and to have a great life. This was then posted on her windscreen and I got back in my car before anyone noticed me.
Then I started to panic, thinking, I'm twice her age what if she thinks it's some mad stalker pervert. By now there was a chance she could return to her car and catch me trying to retrieve the note. I was in a quandry working out how to proceed when she returned to her car with some shopping.
My car was about 10 meters form hers so I pretended to read the newspaper and not look up. The suspense was now killing me..... when she got to her car she picked the note off the windscreen, read it looked around the car park to see who might have left the note .......... and then smiled beatifically to herself, got in the car and drove off.
This was a huge relief to me as the desired result had occurred; I wasn't trying to pick her up merely to brighten her day the way she had mine. For once a random act of kindness that worked out.
(, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 13:20, 5 replies)

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