Battle of the Right-Wing Crackpots
I've always had a thing for pretending to be other people. I have a ton of online aliases to use for all occasions, including several fictional men and women, and my North Korean myspace profile ( myspace.com/thekimhyunhee ) who was actually offered military secrets by some American fuckwad who turned out to be schizophrenic ( omg.b3ta.com/questions/personalads/post89689 ).

Back in the early days of being online, I was still getting used to the notion you could pretend to be anyone you want, and you could also contact anyone anywhere in the world.

My best friend was having some confidence problems due to an ex-girlfriend named Kate. I wouldn't exactly call her a skank, but she had dated three friends of mine, and any time you mentioned her to anyone in my city (population about 1 million), they would inevitably reply "I know someone who dated her." Kate came from a Mormon family, but she herself was experimenting with Wicca. This didn't sit right with her father, Bob, who happened to be the local right-wing blowhard radio show host. He also gave a one-minute rant on the evening news every night, always something awful and bigoted. I learned that every time he mentioned "the daughter of my friend," he was referring to his own daughter and was about to disclose something he disapproved of. Anyway, Kate's 18th birthday was approaching and my best friend dreaded having to run into her in bars.

So the pieces are coming together. I had her e-mail, and I registered a Hotmail account using his name. Next, I found several celebrity address directories. I e-mailed every ironic celebrity I could find, explaining to them that my daughter was a huge fan, was turning 12, and could you please send her a birthday greeting?

Naturally, nobody wrote back. And then I got a reply from Rush Limbaugh, the at the time voice of right-wing America. Count yourself lucky if you've never heard of him, but he's the sort who makes fun of cripples, calls Barack Obama a "magic negro," and abuses painkiller medication. He thanked me for my request and CCed me a copy of his letter to my "daughter" Kate. He basically wished her a happy birthday, and told her it's great that young Americans like her (a Canadian) are listening to him. That was all I heard on the subject for months.

Then, maybe a year or two later, I happened to talk to Kate. This sort of fits my modus operandi, so she was suspicious I was responsible. But...

She asked me "Did you e-mail me pretending to be Rush Limbaugh?" Well, no, I was pretending to be her father, Bob. Not that I told her of course. I denied it and asked her what she meant. She told me about the birthday greeting, but said there's no way her dad would've asked Rush to send her that message. She told me she replied to Rush Limbaugh, calling him an impostor and saying that her dad Bob hates him.

So Rush Limbaugh wrote back to her, "If I had known you were such a bitch I wouldn't have written anything at all!"

Oh, I wish I still had the original e-mails, especially the one where the voice of right-wing America calls her a bitch.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 5:55, Reply)