THE INYOURENDO PARTY ALL-INCLUSIVE MANIFESTO: WITH THIS, OUR EYEBROW-RAISING COMPREHENSIVE MANIFESTO WILL ENSURE THAT WE GO DOWN IN THE ANALS OF HISTORY

MUSIC

Orchestral wind sections will be given larger grants, owing to the delight of seeing people blow horns and purse their lips to other peoples' flutes.

Keyboardists must always clearly display tulips on their organs.


SPORT

Rugby will be played only by men with odd-shaped balls, and more hookers will be put into the game to make it more exciting. The man of the match will, at the end of each game, show his tackle.

Boxers are expected to take a good battering about the ring.

Anglers shall be expected to have clean flies, and generally favourable tackle.

Maggots are not allowed to be put in the mouth, as some fishermen do, and their poles are expected to be as long as possible.

Bullfights are to be introduced, providing the Matador can stick his weapon in the bull's ring without buckshot. Winners of all bullfights will get the horn.


LIFESTYLES

People will be able to come out more frequently.

People coming into money will be able to splash out as freely as they wish.

Everyone shall be given a free entry on the National Lottery, unless they are physically impaired in which case, they will receive a bonus ball.

People shall be expected to have presentable and regularly cleaned knobs and knockers, or their doors will be confiscated.

People shall be encouraged to attend more performances, unless they are goers already.

Wine glasses are to be prohibited. Instead, wine shall be drunk from hairy goblets or flutes.

Bald clams are no longer permissible.

Eating out is not allowed.


ANIMALS

The following animals are thought highly of by our party, and we shall eliminate outmoded pets as we put this proposition into place: pussies, beavers, and any form of horny beast. Parakeets are not allowed unless their peckers are more impressive than usual. Stabbing birds is agreed as fine, however stabbing sheep unacceptable outside of lonely shepherd circles. Stabbing pigs will be cracked down on severely.

UNIONS

They will be given larger packets at the end of each week to enhance their enjoyment of the weekend.

Members will be bloody well hung if they commit any anti-social behaviour like popping out for a fag or some crumpet.

Miners shall be given more shafts, cleaner shafts, and more lee-way for going down in lifts.

The width of the passage shall be increased to allow double or triple entry.


TRADESMEN

All tradesmen will be made to use "tradesman's entrances" when going to work.

Milkmen will always leave cream up the back-passage.

Candle-stick-makers will be encouraged to dip their wicks in as often as possible.

Butchers shall not slap their meat on the counter willy-nilly, they must be offered payment first. Also, the cleaver they use to slice ham, gammon and other swine or boar-related produce is to be re-named, the "pork-sword". All beef shall be kept behind curtains.

Woodsmiths and other men who handle their tools a lot will be allowed to screw and bang at all times of the day. All tools must be of a sensible length - for instance, how much drilling could you get done with a 2" tool?


RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS

At Christmas time, every one will receive the opportunity of pulling a fair few crackers, stuffing a bird or two and/or giving birth to the saviour of mankind.

At Easter, a census will count how much chicks have laid over the past year. Hot buns are favourable.

Porking will be severely punishable during periods. Especially those of Jewish celebration. Caps must be worn, and no participant may have more than three skins.
(Eukanuba, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 0:31, 6 replies)

for wind instruments you ignore the classical pink oboe players.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 8:11, closed)

And also exponents of the fleshy flute and blue-veined spitting piccolo

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 8:52, closed)

You owe £5 to anyone who bothered to read all of that.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 10:10, closed)

I can see what you're trying to do

(Porcupine, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 12:00, closed)

I thought an innuendo was an Italian suppository
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 25 Apr 2015, 14:20, closed)

I assumed this was a Dr Skagra post and didn't read it

( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Mon 27 Apr 2015, 1:25, closed)