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This is a question Bastard Colleagues

You've all known one. The brown-nosing fucker, the 'comedian', the drunk, the gossip and of course the weird one with no mates who goes bell ringing, looks like Mr Majika and sports a monk's haircut (and is a woman).

Tell us about yours...

Thanks to Deskbound for the idea

(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 9:09)
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I used to work with a fella
who walked around thinking he was the cleverest bastard to ever grace this planet. In fact there were 2 of them over the years.

Both of them ended up taking IQ tests within the department that we all did. Both came at the bottom, both around 90 IQ scores. Laugh? I nearly shat!

The best thing though was when one of them turned round and said it was unfair as it wasnt in his native language! The twatbag was from Scotland :)
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 15:35, 11 replies)
He could have been a native Gaelic speaker, and so English wouldn't technically be his native language.

But personally I think that's bollocks. Everyone I've ever met who speaks Gaelic also speaks and understands English every bit as well. Yet the television up here is laden with Gaelic programming, despite only a small minority of the populace (about 1 or 2%) actually having any knowledge of the language.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 15:44, closed)
Jockanese is
a strange language indeed, jings and crivvens.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 15:48, closed)
I demand the right to work in Pictish.

But I hope it doesn't become mandatory, as I don't speak it.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 15:51, closed)
With my friends
I actually speak a local dialect of Scots. Even though I conduct my daily business in something approaching standard English.

But Ah'll no write like that or nane o ye wid ken whit Ah wis haverin aboot.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:06, closed)
More Scots!
There's some lovely dialect words to which the rest of the world ought to be introduced.

Ditto Yiddish.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:08, closed)
Read the "Sunday Post" cartoon section,
for some real Jockanese. Lol.
Does it still contain Oor Wullie, and The Broons?
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:35, closed)
Mair Scots
Indeed the SP does still contain Oor Wullie and the Broons. Quality entertainment.

I noticed you used the word 'dreich' the other day Enzyme. Well done. We need more of this sort of thing. One of my favourite Scots words is 'chack'. There is no single English word which means the same.

It's a verb, referring to the action of compressing something caught between two surfaces. For example, to chack your finger in a door.

Great word. I could go on about this sort of thing all day, but I won't as I'm off home soon.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:43, closed)
Scottish non PCness
A well liked colleague of mine is half-Ghanaian/half-caribbean and upon joining the firm was escorted to the pub for a lunchtime pint.

He asked "Is there anyone else, uh ethnic working here?"

A loud voice spoke up "Ethic? Fuckin' ethnic? Ah'm frum Aberdeeuhn pahl. Hoow mu' ethnic d'ya want?"
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:51, closed)
Aye, well said ya big jessie bawbag
Mind you, I do find it a trifle on the grating of the pecs side when certain authors, whose day to day speech is pure Morningside, suddenly come over all Gorbals when interviewed.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:55, closed)
canna throw ra pieces oot a 20 storey flat,
twenty thousand hungry wains'll testify to that..."

Whenever scots relatives came visiting, mum and dad's accents reverted back yo a near unintelligible Glaswegian, confusing my young self immensely.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 17:49, closed)
I typeset a Scottish dictionary...
Apparently 'Scots' as a language is actually completely separate from English, rather than a dialect. They both have the same roots but are in theory different languages. And having read the dictionary myself, I can see what they mean. Not that I really care; I live in Sussex.
(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:06, closed)

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