Oh, the ‘Corporate buzzword’ bastard…

I used to work in a car parts warehouse as a PC spanner (amongst other things). Now this company are huge and choc-full to the brim of the most annoyingly incompetent spackers known to civilisation…and most of them are in management.

They attempt to compensate for their laziness, ineptness and general spoddishness by indulging in the modern art of sucking up to their bosses in copious proportions. They achieve this through the media of spouting never-ending brown rivers of management buzzwords.

But high above them all, on a throne carved from the finest bull, horse and pigshit, sits ‘Burnsy’. A man of such extreme wankiness that my face contorts with rage as I reminisce.

Really, I cannot remember the last time I encountered such a waste of spunk and egg.

The very definition of ‘all mouth and trousers’ (with a lot of belly thrown in), Burnsy has blagged and mind-molested his way into the higher echelons of management.

Without.actually.doing.anything.

However, it’s in meetings where he unveils his awesome arsenal of buzzword bollockness. In front of all the managers and team leaders, he spouts off such gems as:

Burnsy: “Right then people…FOCUS! We need to push…PUUUUSH (with hand gestures) the company forward. Proactive not reactive, we must deliver and action to benchmark this synergy.”
Everybody: “Huh?”
Burnsy: “Thinking outside the box is best practice…we must empower to stretch the Kaizen”
Me: “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”
Burnsy: “Well……..basically….I’m putting the targets that everybody couldn’t achieve last year UP by another 30%”
Everybody: “mmmf”
Burnsy: “WE ARE LEADERS OF MEN!!”

The upper management schlurp up this uberwank like a gaggle of Hannibal Lectors going at a bowl of scrotum soup. It is sickening to behold.

The only manager that actually sussed Burnsy was a twat has since been booted out himself for …erm…being a twat. That situation left his underling (Burnsy’s No. 1 fan and co-speaker of the language of pointless corporate gobbledegook) in charge.

That place is fucked.

Of course, when there’s actual work to be done, or (god help him) a decision to be made, Burnsy flaps and goes off like a cheap firework. He then hides or hops on his little electric truck and cocks off into the distance; only to return when the panic has subsided so he can take the credit for resolving the situation.

“I was glad to facilitate the inspiration for this learning curve scenario” he dribbles, as everybody mutters ‘cunt’ under their breath.

I’m sure he genuinely believes that he’s good at his job. Patronising to one and all, and despite having the mental capacity of a lump of turquoise plasticine, Burnsy is the epitome of turning it on when he feels he can benefit, only to metaphorically dump his muck and leave you with your arse bleeding in the gutter. His attempt to be ‘one of the lads’ makes you shudder.

Over the years, he has ‘managed’ to move between several teams, royally shag them ragged on a biblical scale and then bugger off to leave someone else to pick up the mess and mutinies… Following this, the first act in his ‘new role’ will be to slag off the shit state of his previous team and complain ‘It was never like that when I was in charge’. He’s the management equivalent of a tumour.

A mate of mine (Hi mudbutton!) is currently on the arse end of this very ordeal.

‘One day he’ll get what’s coming to him’ we all say, but he won’t. He’s been rumbled more times than I can care to remember but always seems to come out of the shite smelling of roses, usually with some other poor twunt carrying the can.

I managed to get out of there…far away from the blithering cumbubble. The look on his face as I told him I was leaving for a better job was worth more than the salary itself.

He prides himself on keeping you down. He failed with me.

Then again, I hear he’s on his way to another promotion.

Some things never change, and as sure as day follows night, Burnsy is a git.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:23, 14 replies)

Brilliant
*clicks in sympathy*

I've had to work with monumental, testiculating, buzzspeak spouting spacktards before and I know all too well the chaos that ensues because their egos demand it.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:41, closed)

I have seen brilliant managers & teamleaders made redundant
while those managers who nobody really knows what they do, get promoted & given huge pay rises and flashier company cars.

I hate work.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:49, closed)

Pooflake...
Did you not consider taking some time in order to bottom things out and agree the direction of travel, thus ensuring the successful achievement of the company's mission statement and vision?

*ducks and runs for cover*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:58, closed)

I hate people like this! *click*
Great story, I was cringing whilst I read the tirade of bullshit and buzzwords! (Who the fuck invented these words anyway?)

Hope he gets what he deserves mate.
(Taunting Lunatics Belming at you since, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 17:01, closed)

*click*
firstly: how come its always fucktards like this that are allowed to have little electric trucks to play on?

secondly: how does the mental capacity or turquoise plastacine compare against the other colours?

Pooflake, as always, EXCELLENT work!
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 17:02, closed)

Sheer bloody literary greatness!
Oscar wilde you aint but you use of the English language is beautiful.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 17:45, closed)

Are you sure?
I'm sure I've heard you talking like this, in code of course. I'm certain that you mean "create a synergistic tonal relationship" when you say "NO IT'S FUCKING B MINOR YOU COCKROT"



Oh yeah, almost forgot.........."click"
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 17:45, closed)

Picking the low-hanging fruit
*clicks*
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:13, closed)

What Can I Say.
As my dear friend has stated, this man is quite some piece of work. A true leader of men and has my full support in his work at (removed name to protect the innocent) .............

ah bollocks I'm not fooling anyone, hes a big fat cunt bucket of bullshit and a lazy one at that.

Pooflake yet again you have managed to put in words what every one at (removed name to protect the innocent) is thinking.

Yes hes a twunt, yes he lives and breathes bullshit however adds valuable comedy elements to the boring days at work, unfortunately for me, now following him up the career ladder has just landed a job managing the team he was last with. A room of 9 people who spend most of their time rocking gently in corners occasionally spouting out "Focus", "Drive the company forward" and other bollocks at completely random intervals, God Help Me and these poor people!

To top my so called promotion off i now have to report to him, Sweet Jesus! pass me a gun!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:38, closed)

Ah mudbutton...

Enjoy your success knowing that you are one of the few that was promoted by actually being GOOD AT THEIR JOB, and not a brown-nosing purveyor of corporate mega-wank...

(What was that about 'wave management?')

*Blushes*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 24 Jan 2008, 18:57, closed)

Brilliant guys.
The thing about corporate megawank is that there's always a market for it. I have an IQ of 135, yet I have no idea what the fuck "synergy" means in the context of corporate bollockspeak.

Anyone who ends a question with the word "yeah" on the end of it as a statement, deserves to be nipped in the scrotum and slowly rubbed with 300 grade sandpaper while their workforce chant "You are a fucking cretin!" until said fucking cretin does the human race a favour and dies.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jan 2008, 23:14, closed)

A man of such extreme wankiness that my face contorts with rage as I reminisce.
Superb! Click
(The loquacious linguist, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 23:21, closed)

people of this kind should be
tied to a bacon slicer and thinly sliced, from the feet up, so they can watch you doing it.

also, "mental capacity of a lump of turquoise plasticine" had me choking on the smoke coming out of my nose.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 3:25, closed)

*clickety click*
I will rid the world of buzzwords and management bollocks if it's the last thing I do!

*flounces off dramatically in some sort of cloak*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 15:05, closed)