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This is a question Bastard Colleagues

You've all known one. The brown-nosing fucker, the 'comedian', the drunk, the gossip and of course the weird one with no mates who goes bell ringing, looks like Mr Majika and sports a monk's haircut (and is a woman).

Tell us about yours...

Thanks to Deskbound for the idea

(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 9:09)
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No matter the job there's always one
Invariably they're managers, although some of my colleagues deserve a good slap at the best of times. Below is a summary of the idiocy I deal with (I do actually enjoy my job but fcuk me it attracts some proper mongs)

Tea Break: Why for example, slurp your tea and go "ahhhhh" after every mouthful? If it's too hot, blow on it for gods sake, or wait until it's cool, rather than acting like some sort of peasant at a trough?

The Foodie: If you're eating, it's good form to close your mouth when you eat so you dont sound like a particularly dodgy porn film.

Chewing Gum: For christs sakes, close your mouth if you need to use this stuff. Otherwise I just feel like slicing your tongue off.

Grossly uninformed opinions: I dont need to hear them to do my job, so just shut that flapping hole in your face before I do it for you (Classic example: "I don't think pro-lifers who kill doctors are idiots, I just think they're misguided")

Napolean Complex: being short and agressive doesn't make you a better person than me, indeed, were it to come down to physical confrontation (which you so clearly wish to provoke) then you'd be missing some fingers and possibly an eye you short-arsed little twit.

The Persistent Caller: If I dont answer my phone it's because I'm busy. Calling at 2 minute intervals for twenty minutes will not change this situation, nor make me more likely to take your call. Furthermore if you're going to call, leave a message, or I'll simply assume you just want a chat. Additionally, if I deign to answer, and explain that I'm busy and will get back to you, continuing to burble on will just have me reaching for the off button.

The Midas Touch: I'm bursting my pan in on a daily basis, and do not need to be told that I can save £10 per day by picking a shitter hotel than the one I'm currently in, nor do I need to be continually hassled for opting to pick a GPS option for my car (after all , EVERYONE has an in-built map of every foreign city in the world so needing SatNav is of course just a frivolous waste of cash)

The Martyr: I may be working away from home and therefore you may assume I have no life, however I still need time off, so don't assume that due to your piss poor planning and abysmal resource allocation that I'll work the weekend to cover your arse. The product is shit at worst and dysfunctional at best, and no amount of graft on my part will change a hugely entrenched corporate policy of employing fuckwits to develop it for you. Additionally, making me work 24/7 forces me to allocate time during the week for drink and drugs. Customers do not appreciate this.

Mr Party Line: Don't call me then ask to speak a colleague (invariably for a rambling chat or an idiots version of what we're doing) while I collect the whopping roaming charges - call them directly please, or I'll just hang up once we're done.

The Snob: I may be hungover, but as it stands I can do the job with my eyes closed and one hand behind my back, while you struggle to grasp basic concepts such as personal hygiene, common sense and logical analysis.

It wasn't like this in my day: Correct, because when you were on the tools, a bit and brace was the height of technological prowess. Acting like a complete cnut towards the engineers and gaffers who make that cash which keeps you in Mercedes SLR's and trophy girlfriends is the reason why you have slashed tires every weekend.

TPS Sheets: I've already given you the invoice for this months work - don't ask for the same bloody document and figures in a different format every few weeks or I'll just start expensing pornography, drink and drugs to spite you.
(, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 17:33, 4 replies)
Still, does you good to laugh, eh!
Nice to see you're not at all bitter.
Seriously though I could hear the clenched teeth in your writing, nice one.

Have fun

(, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 17:39, closed)
Now that's a proper rant.
And all true. *clicks.*
(, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 17:56, closed)
You forgot...
..the surly twat who thinks he's better than every one else. Oh sorry, that's you.
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 9:47, closed)
i think you have
summed up every work place possible. huge woo to you!!
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 12:27, closed)

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