My Uncle Godfrey
He was was a green fingered wizard. Mostly because he'd been regularly "feeding Grotbags' (of Emu fame) pony" but also because he operated a semi-proffesional allotment patch co-operative in central Yorkshire.

A few years ago, he wrote to me (in purple crayon on the back of some blown-vinyl wallpaper, no less) to boast about the potential record-breaking leek he had been growing through most of the summer and autumn. Something wasn't right, (he always composes his letters in orange crayon on woodchip) I had to pay a visit.

Upon arriving at his "Swift 300 deluxe super-tourer" domicile in 13-acre field. I found him engaged in a manic depressive, Charlie-Dimmock-fuelled fwapping frenzy. Further evidence, if it were needed, that he'd gone completely spazztastic were the 7 dandelions that had mounted a resistance-free invasion of his pumpkin patch.

In an effort to boost his spirits, I enquired about his potential record-breaking leek. This caused him to violate himself forcefully with his pond-liner spaff-rag. I eventually got the explaination that he'd been forced to dig up the specimen vegetable as the weather had prematurely ended the growing season and the imminent frost would ruin it for sure. (It gits bleak 'Oop Nowerth y'knoww!)

The only way I could help my dear uncle was to assist with his allotment. It had always been a great pleasure for him to show off his spuds.

I asked the whereabouts of his hoe. "Phyllis is getting her cucumber ration from Ernie Blossop these days" he responded dejectedly, while fwapping his flacid member to a brass band soundtrack. Realising his mistake he pointed in the direction of the potting shed, where the weed removing tool stood aside the revered leek (which seemed to be crystalising in an icy fret of unfulfilled potential). Godfrey muttered the immortal line:

"Mah hoe's ower there, bah stood cold leek."

Apols.

Edit - Just realised that this crock of bollocks is extremely fitting to my tired and outdated sig.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 14:11, 4 replies)

I'm so sorry...

That I snuck in with the 'Cold leeks' pun just before you...

And I didn't put nearly as much thought into it.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 29 Jan 2008, 14:13, closed)

...
*Giggles*
*clicks*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 14:14, closed)

.
No......
(Kopite Ceoil agus Craic, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 14:14, closed)

beautiful.
It was the pathos of the purple crayon that made me click.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 14:15, closed)