Never Again.
The worst thing I ever ate was back when I was a personal Mexican wave for Chevy Chase.

One time after Pentecost, Chevy and I went to a burger joint in LA where I ordered a burger. Old Chevmeister ordered himself a Jolly Rancher soup. We were celebrating finishing his latest film; ‘Arnold Cumgullet, and the Maraudering Cunt Pony of Edam.’

But hold on there, mingeflap, we were in America! Imagine my surprise as they wheeled in my burger. At the bottom was the bun, next the beef patty, next a layer of cheese, a slice of tomato, a Lincoln Continental Automobile, lettuce, tomato sauce, and the top of the bun.

I says to Chevvy, I says “Cheeky cunts. I fucking hate lettuce!” And he laughed and pooed himself and said “If you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal.”

I agreed, and we decided to discuss my new job role over a pint of beer at the local bar after the meal. I ended up on a very good wage and also health benefits, dental care, and a life sized wax model of the Cadbury’s Caramel bunny (Which I later made sweet sweet waxy rodent bareback bumsex to) that Chevy had carried about his person.

It wasn’t until later on in the evening in my hotel room, that I realised what I had done. I had eaten a car. I started to get the sweats, and my guts were rumbling. I looked over at the Cadbury’s bunny, but the sight of her mouth with a cock shaped waxy hole in it only made me think of Captain Bucky O’Hare, another cartoon rabbit cocktease.

I farted, and a few nuts and bolts shot out of my arse and split my troos.

Then I became delirious,feverous, my stomach was cramping. I launched an enormous trump which produced a vanilla magic tree airfreshner from my quakeing balloon knot and ran to the toilet. I dropped my pants and started shitting a goddamn motherfucking car.

One of the tyres acted as the pace car, and was quickly followed by the gearbox, rear subframe, floormats and fuel tank. They shattered the fuck out of the toilet bowl, and my piss poor attempt at flushing them away did nothing except fuck my luck further and soak my ballbags with water.

I went doo-fucking-lally as I passed a door and steering wheel, and began hallucinating... Roger Rabbit, Bugs bunny, and that dead eyed cunt from ‘Watership Down’ appeared before me and said they were going to fuck me up with bike chains and bits of wood with nails in the end. It was truly surreal.

The next morning I woke up, and the bathroom looked like a scrapyard. Luckily, Phil Mitchell was staying next door, so he put the car back together for me with nothing but an old red oily cloth and a Ricky Butcher.

Never again, I can tell you. Stick to kebabs with light aircraft in them I say.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:22, 11 replies)

Why didn't you write this days ago?
It needs clicking many times over.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:24, closed)

^^^ This, improbably hard, from behind.

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:35, closed)

^ this
Amazing.
( rofl harris, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:35, closed)

Nicely surfing the breakers between whimsy and dribbling insanity
...and apparently someone did once eat a car. And a plane, and a tree. One part at a time, I believe.

FGI -- it seems to be true!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:50, closed)

a french geezer
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michel_Lotito
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 15:35, closed)

Pictures
or it didnt happen...... ;p
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:51, closed)

What model car was it?
( Vambo, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:59, closed)

A Lincoln Continental, judging by the third paragraph.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 15:04, closed)

This is why I read QOTW
*clicks like a mad thing*
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 15:24, closed)

clicks
for the vanilla magic tree bit
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 17:32, closed)

this
Should win.
(Fireyfox is prepared to change, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 18:58, closed)