Mr Worral-Thompson's bones are tasty.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 14:10, 16 replies)

My Ig was very angry,
but I told him that I didn't want to hear about it.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 13:53, 2 replies)

I don't speak to my mum's sisters anymore
[/vagabond]
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 13:50, 1 reply)

Mucking out the stables last week,
I turned to the stablehand next to me, propped myself up on my broom and whispered "Gnothi seauton".

He paused, mused beard-scratchingly and said "Hard to find, those gnomes from Sutton."

We didn't win on the scratchcards that week.
( .Yeti., Wed 5 Sep 2012, 13:35, Reply)

The servant in my laboratory regularly expresses his dissatisfaction.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 13:00, 4 replies)

IM conversation between me and my former boss concerning an unhygenic member of staff
Me: God that cough of his is fucking rank
Boss: Yes it is
Me: Can't we kill him?
Boss: I have no objection to this
Me: You do it. You're virtually autonomous in your new role. If I do it there'll be a fuckload of paperwork to deal with.
Boss: Explain that word
Me: Paperwork is a term popularised in the late 20th Century, prevalent in office-based workplaces. In the modern day and age it is something of a tautology as many offices are now paperless.
Boss: Funny fucker ain't ya
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 11:33, 7 replies)

I tend not to pay attention to individuals who go on at length about a topic which irritates them.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 11:22, 3 replies)

Furthermore, I shun the weaker members of any new litter.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 11:18, Reply)

I went on a work jolly to Malta once.
One of my colleagues saw a small lizard (like about 5cm long) sunning itself on a wall. She ran for her life in the other direction screaming something about lizards stinging you with their tails. Fuckwit.
(se8card, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 10:16, 2 replies)

I will not converse with talking trees.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 9:50, 4 replies)

Man who can keep his head when all about him are losing their's....
...has perhaps misunderstood the situation.

I know this feeling.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 9:43, Reply)

A small no. of users seem to be here just to stir shit and pointlessly abuse posters whilst being ignorant
of the fact that this site is specifically here for users to post amusing stories they (may) have experienced based on the question or topic nominated each week.

Meh, waddaya gonna do?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 5 Sep 2012, 7:19, 55 replies)

A large number of users appear to be ignorant of the fact that this is a comedy website, and not a support group or a place to get angry over things that don't matter.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 7:00, 10 replies)

Pissing into a urinal one morning
it occurred to me that I had not checked the sign on the door when I came in and it was 50/50 that I was in the wrong washroom.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 1:22, 5 replies)

I used to work with someone who insisted that the phrase was "taking things to the eighth degree". Apparently you say that because "eight is a high number".

Spent some time laughing at my boyfriend in the pub tonight because he thinks Bradley Wiggins is the Wikileaks whistleblower. He also thinks the Tate Modern houses a fine collection of art by Kevin Bacon.
(yes, it is me and has been me since, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 1:09, 2 replies)

I once overhead some spack-tard on the subway tell his friend that an antisymmetric wavefunction for two particles is necessarily the difference of products of one-body wavefunctions.
The moron had no idea that even though one can construct a basis of such states, an arbitrary state will be a linear combination of such basis states. If the particles interact, then even the energy eigenstates will not (in general) be in the "difference of products" form.
(augsav forgot about B3ta, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 1:03, 6 replies)

My ex's eldest daughter
had been working in the U.S. of States for a couple of months at Disneyworld. Driving her back from the airport she explained to us all in the car that her most distinct impression of the Americas was that they were all extremely racist.

"Tell you what, there weren't ANY chinkies..." she ignorantly added.
( Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 23:40, 6 replies)

My Twattery - Part 542 in an ongoing series
Me, in a pub one afternoon, to the barman: "Are you still serving the all-day breakfast?"
(costas, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 22:57, 4 replies)

I suppose it's easy to be cynical in this day and age, but back then we really did believe in what we were doing.
About six of us had dressed up as barbers and taken over the town hall at gunpoint. Luckily the mayor didn't know that one of the shotguns wasn't loaded, and we managed to secure the building before the redcoats arrived.
Before long the air was resounded with volleys of rifle fire and cannon roar and so forth. We were particularly unlucky in that one of the regiments of soldiers that was sent to attack us was, due to a clerical error, composed entirely of actual tigers. Of course in later years many of my compatriots quite liked a Tiger when it was an economy, but back then of course we had to shoot the tigers in the face so they wouldn't eat us.
This was a task that we faced with no relish, for most of these tigers were decent honest working class animals of the genus Panthera Tigris. They weren't responsible for this war, but they were our foe, and one guy who was there was really ignorant.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 22:44, 14 replies)

Some bloke once asked, "Does the 9:37 train call at Wombwell?"
Nuff said.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 22:34, 7 replies)

So, I used to go out with a girl who was a bit of a bimbo,
and one time I was making a curry, and I asked her how hot she wanted it, and she said "Ignorance is not just a blank space on a person's mental map. It has contours and coherence, and for all I know rules of operation as well. So as a corollary to [the advice of] writing about what we know, maybe we should add getting familiar with our ignorance, and the possibilities therein for writing a good story."

What a ditz!
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 21:30, 2 replies)

Two Danish blokes I knew ..
.. took a train through Yugoslavia in 1992. They had a short delay at the border, during which one of them bought some plums.
(spinoza, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 19:30, 6 replies)

You know when you were picked on at school
and you told yourself that one day you'd achieve something and then they'd be sorry or jealous or want to have sex at you?

I don't. I was popular and handsome. What was it like? I bet you feel well shit now that you've failed to get your revenge. Fuck. Gutted.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 18:11, 34 replies)

I used to think the world was flat, really threw my hat into the crowd. Thought I had used up my quota of yearning
Then I discovered I had extra yearning available because of overtime I had worked the previous week. Once I was a young man, thought all I had to do was smile. But as I had a job as a Greeter for Outback Steakhouse, it turned out I was absolutely right.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 16:22, 4 replies)

Aging and Parenthood
When I was a kid, I used to be so angry at my dad. He had a fierce temper and a quick hand that was always on target and hurt like hell. He worked a great deal, was highly respected in the community, and I would have people tell me what a great guy he was; I would always think, "great to everyone but his family," and then go sulk.

He was also religious, but did not live up completely to his religion. I took every opportunity to complain about that to my siblings, my mom and friends. I blamed all my problems and personality defects on him - I still do, when I'm honest.

When I was in high school, he got cancer and later died. We had time to make our peace. After a few kids of my own and a few years under my belt, I came to the shameful realization that he was a lot like me, just 35 years older. He came out of a hellish childhood, put himself through war and law school and had a long, distinguished career as a federal agent. He saved so much that even though he's been dead for a long time, my mom has never had to work to support herself in her old age.

When I look at my life, I realize that he did a whole lot more, with a whole lot less than I have for my family.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 16:12, 16 replies)

topical -
ignoring your electorate and your manifesto pledges with a blatantly pro aviation reshuffle...?

just sayin...
(magictorch, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 15:16, 23 replies)

Only a short one
More of a link actually, I'm at work so time is short...

www.fstdt.com/QuoteComment.aspx?QID=88136

I hate to throw my hat in with the "daft Americans" posts, but come on!

"Knowledge-Based Education – We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (HOTS) (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE) (mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student’s fixed beliefs and undermining parental authority."

The mind boggles, it truly does :-/
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 14:23, 2 replies)

Another case of advanced daftness as opposed to ignorance…

Last weekend I attended a bit of a family reunion with some relatives from Oz. We all went out for a meal and eventually found ourselves enjoying a drink and glancing over menus as and you do.

As everyone made their meal choices, my mum just couldn’t decide and I asked her what the problem was:

“I don’t know whether or not I should go for the ‘Brewer’s Chicken’ – have you had that before?” she declared worriedly. I looked at the menu description: ‘Strips of tender chicken breast topped with crispy bacon and Cheddar, on a barbecue & beer sauce. Served with chips and salad’.

“I haven’t had it before but it sounds ok” I replied. “What’s the problem?”.

“Ooh, well I’m not sure how much beer will be in it. Besides, I’m also driving...” she answered with a concerned frown.

Fighting the urge to facepalm hard, I tried to reassure her. “That won’t be a problem” I said.

However, after careful deliberation, she eventually decided that it wasn’t worth taking the chance so she opted for the ‘safe option’ instead…

The Steak and Ale pie.


Ye.fucking.gods
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Tue 4 Sep 2012, 14:14, 3 replies)

Hognorance
I'd been going out with a girl for a few weeks, and we'd gone many places on my motorcycle. This was a new experience for her, so I asked her if she enjoyed riding on it.

"Yes," she replied, "But I wish you wouldn't lean over when we go around corners."
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 13:56, 1 reply)