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This is a question Break-up Stories

Freddie Woo sends us a tale of woe which ends: "I could live with being cheated on. What really got me that there was clearly a third person holding the camera, and the arse pummeling up and down sometimes had a tattoo, sometimes it didn't. I moved out that day." Tell us about how a relationship's come crashing down around you.

(, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:18)
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Pride and Plastering
I met a very nice girl once, well she seemed that way. She had a cute smile, a flippy fringe, nice legs and a charming ground-floor flat in London. The first couple of dates I was very gentlemanly but after a while nature took its course and I stayed over at her flat.

"Your bathroom light switch," I said. "Needs fixing." It was, to my trained feel, a bit spongy, and required quite a sharp jerk to come on, so to speak.

"You're a boy," said she, ever hopeful. "Fix it." She seemed to be saying it to shut me up rather than actually expecting me to do anything. I immediately, and fatefully, resolved to show her who was the new DIY expert in her life.

The next time I stayed over I woke up extra early, scuttled off to the nearest hardware emporium (via the local bakery) and returned in time to wake her up with the doorbell, bearing the necessaries for a romantic breakfast and (so I thought) an even more romantic bathroom-fixing session.

Unfortunately for our hero pineapplecharm, the bastard who'd installed the old switch had done so before plastering the ceiling, meaning said switch was deeply sunk into the hardened surface and wasn't going to come off easily. Not wanting to make too much mess, I rather hopefully held up the switch part of the new unit to the wall-mount part of the old.. but sadly the new screws didn't bite the old thread, and the old screws were too big for the new holes. So I took it home again.

The next time I stayed over I brought the new switch back but, in the meantime, had drilled out the screw holes so it would mate up to the old 'heel' so securely cemented into the fabric of the room. Alas, I then discovered that the switch had been sufficiently weakened by my drilling that the screws crushed it to the point of cracking in two.

A third visit was required. Now bear in mind, gentlemen, that each of these occasions was predicated on a sufficiently seductive date to secure an invite back to her flat. This is no easy feat when your motivation is merely to have vigorous carnal relations; when you also have a secondary agenda of bathroom light repair it becomes a masterwork of deception and cunning.

It was shortly after visit four, during which I resorted to chipping a large chunk of her ceiling out with a screwdriver, that I suddenly realised that, to put it gently, I wasn't quite as keen on the old girl as I had been a month or two before when we'd met. All she ever talked about was her sister's kid, and her rich ex who had taken her travelling. And she wasn't nearly as pretty as I'd thought. It was a time to move on. And this left me with something of a dilemma: the bathroom ceiling was now a half-destroyed eyesore. Would I man up and realise that lying to her was much worse than leaving her with a minor repair outstanding? Would I bollocks.

Yes, folks, I continued to date a girl I'd completely gone off - conniving my way into staying over three more times (replastering, undercoat, topcoat) before, finally, announcing the job was done, cadging a lift back to Berkshire and then, during a meaningful chat in the park, ditching her as bluntly as I could.

I must say, it was a pretty good job, even if it took a while.

The switch, I mean, not the relationship. I fucking suck at those.
(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 0:40, 11 replies)
I think you did the honourable thing, here.

(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 8:48, closed)
I enjoyed reading this.

(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 9:15, closed)
^ that
Proper qotwing
(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 12:14, closed)
A gentleman through and through
Who else would endure such pains just to get a good tug job sorted?
(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 10:07, closed)
Good lord, an interesting, witty and relevant story

...I may have to have a little lie down.

Have a click.
(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 10:09, closed)
True workmanship and pride in it is a thing much missed these days. I bet the switch continues to give her pleasure. Have a click.
(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 10:10, closed)
duly clicked
(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 10:15, closed)
have a click
for giving her the satisfaction of being able to click her switch more easily
(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 10:26, closed)
really enjoyed reading this, bravo
(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 10:55, closed)
Marvellous stuff!
Likin' this.
(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 12:11, closed)
You, Sir, are a true gent. Click.
(, Fri 13 Sep 2013, 13:36, closed)

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