I've done it five fucking times.
First time when I was 20 (I'm 32). I'd like to think I've explored the whole gamut of material by now. I can't even be arsed trying any more. I've got this one more to go, and it's finally sunk in that no-one cares how funny you are. No-one cares about you at all. They just want it to be over with as little fuss as possible. You're an unnecessary distraction on someone else's day. How long you stand there bleating on about a load of wank that happened when you were drunk is in direct proportion to what a self-regarding bell-end you are. I'm too old for this shit. All the best for the future.


^^ This is my next best man's speech.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:54, 5 replies)

^common sense on qftw^
what is the world coming to?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:56, closed)

Awww, stop projecting you drunken bore!
Although I quite like the irony of posting on QOTW to complain about not getting validation from your audience...
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 17:21, closed)

they're not 'your audience', you desperately dense prat
they're there for the wedding, not for some witless ruggerbugger bore telling shit 'jokes' and hilariously inappropriate anecdotes lies. You're a dreary sideshow at best. You're less interesting than the hors d'œuvres. Nobody caresn what comes out of your blubbery lips. If you fancy yourself as a wit then sign up for an open mic night or become an after dinner speaker.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 17:46, closed)

I wasn't projecting so much as outright confessing.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 18:01, closed)

Chin up, you wouldn't keep getting asked if you were that bad!
You're absolutely right of course. However, given that refusing to do it makes you an even bigger cunt, why not have a bit of fun with it? At least you're sure of amusing yourself...

(Yes, I'm going to have a wank during my speech.)
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 18:12, closed)

I'd fucking love this read out at mine.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 17:28, closed)

Can this be made public domain?
Or perhaps even mandatory, with stiff penalties for deviating from it?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 17:39, closed)

The best man's speech at my wedding was along the lines of
"I've promised to keep this brief, so I will: the bride and groom."
Dreadfully amusing, but there was a rather awkward silence whilst everyone waited for him to get up and carry on with his speech.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 23:52, closed)

^correct best manning^

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 9:28, closed)