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This is a question Brits Abroad

Union jack shorts, bulldog t-shirts, bars named after soap operas, hen parties in Malaga. Tell us about your encounters with the worst (or best) of our fair country's travelers around the world. Alternatively, tell us about your own doomed quest to find a decent cup of tea in Moscow.

(, Thu 24 Apr 2014, 13:01)
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a few years ago, we went on a christmas caribbean cruise that went from florida down to the bahamas and a few other places, then back to florida
mostly this was as lovely as it sounds, and the ship was incredible in terms of facilities and food and drink. but there was just one problem: the PEOPLE. the ship was largely full (and i do mean largely) of rich entitled americans, with a few very twatty brits thrown in for good measure.

mostly we managed to avoid them, but there were a few things that stood out. like the fact that americans won't or can't use stairs and so we had to wait for ages to go up one flight in the lift if we had my niece or nephew with us in their buggies. or the utter cunt who bollocked the lovely filipino waitress in front of us for saying "merry christmas" on christmas day morning. apparently that is offensive to other religions, and she should have said "happy holidays". i thought my brother was going to deck the twat.

anyway, the worst of the lot was this arrogant british family whom we seemed to see everywhere. one evening the ship had a karaoke evening, and my god did people take it seriously. people had rushed to sign up on boarding the ship, and they had brought props and everything. we were amused to watch the daddy of the arrogant brits swagger up on stage, where he did, to be fair to him, a good version of "come fly with me". he and my brother later ended up in the final, whence he was spotted behind stage making loud whimpering noises. when my brother queried it, he said patronisingly, "it's puppying, yah? warming up the vocal chords?"

the next day, i saw him in the lift, surrounded by a crowd of adoring american ladies. he was preening. when they asked if he sang professionally, he said, "clubs, yah? london, yah?"

"oh, i'm from london," i piped up. "whereabouts?"

"er. hendon."

not exactly fucking entertaining people at the waldorf, are you, sunshine?
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 15:39, 40 replies)
"as lovely as it sounds" ... utterly fucking horrendous then?
Seriously ... other than shoveling up syphilis corpses in the slums of Calcutta, I genuinely can't think of a more horrific holiday destination. What in the shit were you thinking?
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 16:37, closed)
i like the caribbean
i like quiet beaches and palm trees and turquoise water and the pace of life out there makes me happy. go on, sue me.
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 16:52, closed)
so why did you go on holiday on a floating butlins full of pricks?

(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:02, closed)
I love the nightlife and food and galleries of Paris
... so I went on holiday to Eurodisney.
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:06, closed)
Check you and your knowledge of international theme parks of the 1990s.

(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:23, closed)
I confess the last time I went to a theme park was Alton Towers when the corkscrew was the big event.
On account of being an adult and that.
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:47, closed)
You mean you've never, as an adult,
wandered around such a place on massive drugs, laughing at all the terrible shit? Go do this.
I recommend that awful dump they have in Wales, as you can definitely get away with anything there.
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:47, closed)
I'm very old fashioned.
I prefer doing massive drugs in places I actually like.
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:52, closed)
That's old school.
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:53, closed)
get this, right ... this will blow your mind
when I'm not doing massive drugs, I prefer to not do them in places I like too!

I know!
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 19:14, closed)
This must be what Keanu Reeves feels like all the time.

(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 19:25, closed)
because i wasn't paying and i wanted to spend christmas with my family
but also, it's a good way to see lots of different islands in different ways, eg catamaran around antigua, jeep tour on st martins, underground tour of nassau. the package thing made those trips much cheaper than travelling from island to island would be. and hell yeah, i'm greedy enough that 24 hour 5 star drinks and food was fucking awesome.

conclusion: i wouldn't rush to do it again, but i had a great trip.
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:07, closed)
I really fancy a weekend of west end shows
... quick! Let's book into the Heathrow Airport holiday inn!
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:08, closed)
nobody fancies a weekend of west end shows
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:09, closed)
terrible homophobia

(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:10, closed)
True, but if you want to get better clients and more money it is a bullet you have to take by taking
the better clients to West End shows. Or Prague, where you order a box of matches and ...
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:41, closed)
ah go on ... I'll bite ... what are you prattling on about?
I genuinely can't think of a single industry where you'd win better clients with musical theatre.
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:54, closed)
Any industry with a higher than average proportion of fops, ponces and dandies?
So, basically, the musical theatre industry.
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:58, closed)
this seems reasonable

(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 19:04, closed)
No the clients have to be married and want to impress the wife and kids that they get great seats
at a London West End show that simply no one else can get - etc. etc. etc. - fucking corporate entertaining innit. Lion King closed me some um big deals.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 14:05, closed)
lol povvo shit clients

(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 18:12, closed)
Yes dear, you would know all about them given the limited amount of information I gave to you.

(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:35, closed)
they can be won over by a few hundred quid of tacky hospitality
what else do I need to know?
(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:38, closed)
Froth made Starbucks a fortune.
Are you more accustomed to BAE levels of corruption?
(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:40, closed)
nobody uses hospitality as an incentive in consultancy
it wouldn't make any sense - a handful of Lion King tickets would cost less than I'd charge to chat to them on the phone

nobody from a zillion dollar tech company needs us to butter then up
(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:44, closed)
Zillion dollar tech companies - are these off-world?

(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:53, closed)
mostly US and Europe and Japan

(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 20:03, closed)
You do genuinely lack any sort of lateral thinking. Shall I get the crayons out and draw a picture.

(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 14:06, closed)
a simple written answer would be fine

(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 17:34, closed)
No. I cannot possibly think of a simple enough answer to explain corporate back pissing on.

(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:39, closed)
right ... but how about answering the question I actually asked
that's usually more conducive to conversation
(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:45, closed)
what question, there was a massive assumption made by you about all industries. Good job
the corporate entertainment industry does not rely on your considered opinion as you only deal with ZILLION dollar companies.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:57, closed)
read your original post again ... you seem to have confused yourself
nobody in a serious business wins clients through hospitality, particularly since the 2010 bribery act

that doesn't mean people don't offer hospitality ... I was given a rather nice lunch by a client the other day as it goes ... in fact I'd say at least two thirds of hospitality I get is paid for by our clients and not the other way around
(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 20:01, closed)
any of those cunts want me to sit through an Andrew Lloyd Webber and they can whistle though

(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 20:07, closed)
There's nothing like walking through the West Highlands
... so I've reserved five nights in a bnb in Paisley.
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:09, closed)
Yep. Cruising is lovely.
Even though what you say about the Americans is true: using the lifts to travel just ONE floor, which means they're forever on call.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 21:41, closed)
I once watched a chap in Cannes lower an electric gangplank to step the 18 inches off his yacht
then take an elevator half a floor to the terrace of his flat.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 21:48, closed)
Sounds shit.

(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 16:57, closed)
"I met a karaoke enthusiast from Hendon".
(, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 22:11, closed)
you should have seen him. he really was such a twat, it actually was epic

(, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 10:13, closed)

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