a few years ago, we went on a christmas caribbean cruise that went from florida down to the bahamas and a few other places, then back to florida
mostly this was as lovely as it sounds, and the ship was incredible in terms of facilities and food and drink. but there was just one problem: the PEOPLE. the ship was largely full (and i do mean largely) of rich entitled americans, with a few very twatty brits thrown in for good measure.

mostly we managed to avoid them, but there were a few things that stood out. like the fact that americans won't or can't use stairs and so we had to wait for ages to go up one flight in the lift if we had my niece or nephew with us in their buggies. or the utter cunt who bollocked the lovely filipino waitress in front of us for saying "merry christmas" on christmas day morning. apparently that is offensive to other religions, and she should have said "happy holidays". i thought my brother was going to deck the twat.

anyway, the worst of the lot was this arrogant british family whom we seemed to see everywhere. one evening the ship had a karaoke evening, and my god did people take it seriously. people had rushed to sign up on boarding the ship, and they had brought props and everything. we were amused to watch the daddy of the arrogant brits swagger up on stage, where he did, to be fair to him, a good version of "come fly with me". he and my brother later ended up in the final, whence he was spotted behind stage making loud whimpering noises. when my brother queried it, he said patronisingly, "it's puppying, yah? warming up the vocal chords?"

the next day, i saw him in the lift, surrounded by a crowd of adoring american ladies. he was preening. when they asked if he sang professionally, he said, "clubs, yah? london, yah?"

"oh, i'm from london," i piped up. "whereabouts?"

"er. hendon."

not exactly fucking entertaining people at the waldorf, are you, sunshine?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 15:39, 40 replies)

"as lovely as it sounds" ... utterly fucking horrendous then?
Seriously ... other than shoveling up syphilis corpses in the slums of Calcutta, I genuinely can't think of a more horrific holiday destination. What in the shit were you thinking?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 16:37, closed)

i like the caribbean
i like quiet beaches and palm trees and turquoise water and the pace of life out there makes me happy. go on, sue me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 16:52, closed)

so why did you go on holiday on a floating butlins full of pricks?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:02, closed)

I love the nightlife and food and galleries of Paris
... so I went on holiday to Eurodisney.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:06, closed)

Check you and your knowledge of international theme parks of the 1990s.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:23, closed)

I confess the last time I went to a theme park was Alton Towers when the corkscrew was the big event.
On account of being an adult and that.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:47, closed)

You mean you've never, as an adult,
wandered around such a place on massive drugs, laughing at all the terrible shit? Go do this.
I recommend that awful dump they have in Wales, as you can definitely get away with anything there.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:47, closed)

I'm very old fashioned.
I prefer doing massive drugs in places I actually like.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:52, closed)

Whoah!
That's old school.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:53, closed)

get this, right ... this will blow your mind
when I'm not doing massive drugs, I prefer to not do them in places I like too!

I know!
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 19:14, closed)

This must be what Keanu Reeves feels like all the time.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 19:25, closed)

because i wasn't paying and i wanted to spend christmas with my family
but also, it's a good way to see lots of different islands in different ways, eg catamaran around antigua, jeep tour on st martins, underground tour of nassau. the package thing made those trips much cheaper than travelling from island to island would be. and hell yeah, i'm greedy enough that 24 hour 5 star drinks and food was fucking awesome.

conclusion: i wouldn't rush to do it again, but i had a great trip.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:07, closed)

I really fancy a weekend of west end shows
... quick! Let's book into the Heathrow Airport holiday inn!
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:08, closed)

twat
nobody fancies a weekend of west end shows
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:09, closed)

terrible homophobia

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:10, closed)

True, but if you want to get better clients and more money it is a bullet you have to take by taking
the better clients to West End shows. Or Prague, where you order a box of matches and ...
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:41, closed)

ah go on ... I'll bite ... what are you prattling on about?
I genuinely can't think of a single industry where you'd win better clients with musical theatre.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:54, closed)

Any industry with a higher than average proportion of fops, ponces and dandies?
So, basically, the musical theatre industry.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 18:58, closed)

this seems reasonable

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 19:04, closed)

No the clients have to be married and want to impress the wife and kids that they get great seats
at a London West End show that simply no one else can get - etc. etc. etc. - fucking corporate entertaining innit. Lion King closed me some um big deals.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 14:05, closed)

lol povvo shit clients

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 18:12, closed)

Yes dear, you would know all about them given the limited amount of information I gave to you.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:35, closed)

they can be won over by a few hundred quid of tacky hospitality
what else do I need to know?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:38, closed)

Froth made Starbucks a fortune.
Are you more accustomed to BAE levels of corruption?
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:40, closed)

nobody uses hospitality as an incentive in consultancy
it wouldn't make any sense - a handful of Lion King tickets would cost less than I'd charge to chat to them on the phone

nobody from a zillion dollar tech company needs us to butter then up
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:44, closed)

Zillion dollar tech companies - are these off-world?

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:53, closed)

mostly US and Europe and Japan

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 20:03, closed)

You do genuinely lack any sort of lateral thinking. Shall I get the crayons out and draw a picture.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 14:06, closed)

a simple written answer would be fine

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 17:34, closed)

No. I cannot possibly think of a simple enough answer to explain corporate back pissing on.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:39, closed)

right ... but how about answering the question I actually asked
that's usually more conducive to conversation
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:45, closed)

what question, there was a massive assumption made by you about all industries. Good job
the corporate entertainment industry does not rely on your considered opinion as you only deal with ZILLION dollar companies.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 19:57, closed)

read your original post again ... you seem to have confused yourself
nobody in a serious business wins clients through hospitality, particularly since the 2010 bribery act

that doesn't mean people don't offer hospitality ... I was given a rather nice lunch by a client the other day as it goes ... in fact I'd say at least two thirds of hospitality I get is paid for by our clients and not the other way around
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 20:01, closed)

any of those cunts want me to sit through an Andrew Lloyd Webber and they can whistle though

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 20:07, closed)

There's nothing like walking through the West Highlands
... so I've reserved five nights in a bnb in Paisley.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 17:09, closed)

Yep. Cruising is lovely.
Even though what you say about the Americans is true: using the lifts to travel just ONE floor, which means they're forever on call.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 21:41, closed)

I once watched a chap in Cannes lower an electric gangplank to step the 18 inches off his yacht
then take an elevator half a floor to the terrace of his flat.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 21:48, closed)

Sounds shit.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 16:57, closed)

"I met a karaoke enthusiast from Hendon".
Epic.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 22:11, closed)

you should have seen him. he really was such a twat, it actually was epic

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 30 Apr 2014, 10:13, closed)