Malawi Vice
Growing up in Norfolk I was considered 'posh', as I had been outside the county on several occasions, once or twice even having been on a PLANE to a FOREIGN COUNTRY!

However, I soon became small fry when I met a lad I shall call Ed, for that is his name. Ed's parents had left Norfolk for Malawi when he was just 9 years old due to his father getting a new job there.

Now I don't doubt Malawi is quite a change from rural Norfolk, and that anyone would have some pretty special tales from their time living in such a place. BUT, Ed's tales were taller than a dozen giraffes standing on each others shoulders - which is pretty appropriate given his daily spew of billy bollocks.

We'd regularly gather in the common room between class and sit around the CD player that would be churning out either happy hardcore, metallica, or take that depending on which 'gang' had got there first on that particular day. We weren't there for the musc though, oh no, we were awaiting the latest 'Malawi Vice' Epsiode.

I am kicking myself for not writing them all down, but some personal favourite episodes included: -

Hi-Speed Hippo: A young man and his local friend were bezzing across Lake Malawi in a speedboat, when all of a sudden they hit a rising hippo square in his back and were thrown in the air and from the speedboat. Scrambling to get back in and narrowly avoiding being attacked by 5 hippo's and a plethora of crocs, they then sped off again, using hippo backs as veritable trampolines, hardly ever touching the water again until they reached shore.

Bonfire Bong: A young man and his friend 'Squealer' (a midget no less...no, LESS!) sat around a bonfire, probably swapping bullshit a plenty, when a guy sold them a kg of weed for about 2p. They couldn't be bothered to spend time rolling spliffs, so put it all on the bonfire and just inhaled the fumes for about 3 days.

Dog Vs Lion: Lions would regularly get too close to Ed's house, so they did what any normal family would do to deter them. Buy a Lion-killing Labrador. Oh the amount of times that dog would kill/maim a lion 'just to protect Ed' was legendary. Who knew a dog could love a child so, so much?!?!?!

Needless to say these stories never failed to draw a crowd and at times it was like being in the middle of a Martin Luther King speech, with a group of about 30-40 students fervently awaiting the next word as if it may be his last...

Luckily, Ed never did run out of bullshit, and to this day I imagine he is out there, somewhere, still making 'Malawi Vice' episodes...
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:01, 2 replies)

this is brilliant

(jennymnemonic, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:04, closed)

2p for a kg of weed?
i see prices have gone up
( zulu eh?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 13:15, closed)