David.
David was someone I knew from school and his family lived round the corner from me. He was always slightly overweight* but had this thing about the Army. He was prone to ever so slightly making things up**, usually Army related.
I lost touch with him for a few years then bumped into him when I was booked to DJ at a wedding, which turned out to be his. He was in full army dress uniform but still quite large, definitely not army size. He gave me some bullshit about being in the army since he left school and he'd been a captain but he'd left the Army now. Everyone loved him and respected him blah blah. Anyway, the do finished and off he went into obscurity again till I bumped into him again in a butty shop.

'How you doing Dave?' sez me
'Ssshhhhh' sez he, looking round furtively 'Don't call me Dave'
'Why not?'
'IRA are after me, I was undercover for the Army and I'm on a protection scheme, all my family are in danger...'
'I thought you'd left the Army'
'They called me back in, they needed a specialist for an intelligence job....'
'Aye, reet then, er, Dave'

I got my sandwich as quick as poss and left the fucking idiot there.

A couple of months later, I was in a working mens club in Burnley and I saw his mum and dad. They'd known my parents for years and I knew them cos of Dave, so I wandered over and said 'Hiya, are you alright? How's your David?'
'Who?'
'David, your son'
'We don't know any David'
'Come on, you know me, you know my mum and dad as well, you used to live at (address withheld to protect the terminally numpty)'
'No, you've got the wrong people, we've never lived there in our lives'
'ooookay, I must be mistaken then...'

2 minutes later, they've necked their drinks and they're heading, almost running, for the door. It was definitely, 100%, them, they're a very distinctive couple.

I reckon their bullshitting son has told them that he's being hunted and that they have to trust no-one so they're shitting themselves wherever they go.

*Fucking huge
**Fucking lying through his teeth
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Sat 15 Jan 2011, 12:11, 4 replies)

Maybe they just didn't like you?

(Soulman87, Sat 15 Jan 2011, 19:04, closed)

Fuck, aye
didn't think of that.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 21:33, closed)

...or maybe he really is a spy
which is a sad (yet believable) indictment on the British secret services :(
(KeenBean objects to this comma, Sat 15 Jan 2011, 19:20, closed)

And I thought this was going to be a Spaced-related spang from the second sentence
until I remembered that its Mike, not Dave

duh

*spangs self*
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Sun 16 Jan 2011, 8:24, closed)