Where the hell do i start ?
Bad, very bad half remembered drunken tales the likes of which no one will ever believe.
++All Names have been changed to protect the guilty++
I worked for a "British" software company in the guise of an outbound sales person, I did this for 18 months or so, 18 months of pressuring old women and senile old men to give up their pensions and hard earned cash in search of photo editing/desk top production nirvana (or so the marketing bumpf says) I had a few stories from this portion of the job (selling to people as they wait for an ambulance because they're having a heart attack, selling a £300 photo editing package to a blind man and a £200 voice recognition prog to a deaf guy via a touch type operator.) But this pales in comparison when I met Axel and moved to a different role in the company.

The place itself was one of the coke addled centres where the management were regularly seen and heard on a Tuesday afternoon at half 1 snorting prestigious amounts of Chang in the bogs, this was the norm really plus every other Friday(PAY DAY!!) they would take us to the pub and buy us a couple pints to say thanks for another 2 weeks of talking old people out of their cash. On a Saturday morning it was like going into an after club. People would wander in between 9am (the official start of the working day) and 11am making weak excuses sit down for 10 mins then run off to the bog to either
A. be sick
B. powder their nose
C. both

but after discovering our mutual love of Stella and being pissed and thus building a strong working relationship on these tenets we proceeded to get Battered every day without fail for 2 and a half years I barely have any recollection after about 3:30pm (half way through our dinner forty mins 2 pints in) but here are some of the highlights of this epic piss up called work (in no particular order)

-walking back from the pub past an off licence buying a bottle of vodka and some coke to "carry on the dinner hour" getting back to work falling off my chair and being unable to log back into my pc cos I had forgotten I was still logged in else where (took me an hour to remember and by that time I had 2 guys from systems crawling round the server room trying to figure it out)

-having Axel's mate deliver some "Gary Abblets" to work so we could go out straight after finishing but getting bored and taking them when I was supposed to be coaching a team in sales procedures and compliance. It went well I got a commendation from my boss for that one and the guys in the training group said they learned things they would have never thought about, No one suspected a thing.

-cheating on an incentive on a Saturday morning to get some free booze "to start the day" we were both pissed by 11 that day.

-Axel dancing on top of the smoking shed with his Ipod on singing along at the top of his lungs to night train by G'n'R, Bearing in mind it was a good 12 ft high he would have died had he fell off onto the concrete.

-"The Quad show" at some point during the latter half of my time at ***** one of the marketing directors (read overpaid under-worked prick) had a mid life crisis and got himself a "super charged"(lol) road quad bike with all the trimmings race leathers, super light racing helmet, all the penis replacement therapy shit he seemed to need, so every day at 5:30 he would leave cram his fat ass into his leathers (look out wok smugglers) and jump on his bike rev the engine as loud as it would go for 10 mins to "warm it up"(yeah right) as luck would have it this is the time me and Axel would be out front having a smoke to break up the tedium of a 2 hour afternoon shift and to top up essential fluids.
The engine now "warm" he proceeds to try and pull off really quickly and show us just how big his cock really is, he revs up as loud as his priapic device will go and........stalls it. Not to be embarrassed or anything he tries again (its not exactly quiet this machine so by now half the 300 people who work here are staring at him out the windows)stalls it again, And again, finally he gets going tears off down the industrial estate at about 70 mph just as a cop car pulls around the corner bout 30 yards down the road, he slams on, cop car lights come on, he gets a ticket in front of everybody in the contact centre and Axel and I are nearly comatose due to laughing so hard.
Mr Quad continues to perform the 1st few acts of his show minus the police every day for the last 6 months of my career at that place. That's when I quit, 4 years of my life and irreparable damage to my kidneys I got for my time there but I still have my stories and I now use them in an instructive way whenever I train new staff in my current job.



I never apologise for length its the thickness you need to worry about.
( nomorelifeanymore Tap Dances his way to freedom on, Sun 6 Sep 2009, 12:43, 1 reply)

Thickness you say?
That's software sales (me too) - sounds like a lot of fun
( elgordo, Sun 6 Sep 2009, 20:18, closed)