The lament of the technical support.
I have never actually been a call centre employee but in the course of my working life, I have usually been on hand to offer technical support in my chosen (willingly chosen as well I admit) life in the hifi industry.

Hifi is a curious beast to try and solve problems on the phone. A very simple system of amp, CD player and speakers can still involve three different manufacturers who at no stage in their development schedules ever envisaged their product being connected to the other. Furthermore, "obsolete" is a relative term for us- products from the 1970's can still perform well in a system otherwise comprised of new bits so for the hapless bod on the front line, it is not simply a case of knowing what your product may do when connected to the offerings of company A but the offerings of company A going back to a point where you were still an ovum.

And yet- this is the touching and bewildering thing. People who ring up genuinely believe that you will know every product to which they refer- its vital statistics, connection set and sonic characteristics as if you owned it yourself. Its an interesting reverse to the situation that has often been described in this QOTW where hapless call centre employees are patronised to within an inch of their life by people absolutely sure that they know they are right- we have people regard us a sort of Delphic oracle of audio. Their faith that we will know what the issue is and where in the system it might reside is sometimes a little unnerving.

Not that we don't get acts of almost Olympic stupidity. Our loudspeakers are not too hard to power but neither are they designed to work on the feeble gnat’s fart of an output from a single ended valve amp. If you try this and drive it too hard, the amp will explode and usually take a few drivers with it by way of retaliation. If you then phone up and express surprise and disappointment that this has happened, we really aren’t going to be too sympathetic. Nor will we fix it under warranty- it is the same as crashing a new car not it failing on you. People are increasingly used to the concept that everything will work with everything else- most items with a USB port will talk to a computer for example- whereas we have an industry where not only might it not work, it might actually damage the items to try it.

Then of course there are the classics. Leave enough rope and many will hang themselves. Non committal “uh huh’s” and “right” can usually bridge the gap between “my amp stopped working for no reason” to “I was having a party and my amp finally gave up at 3am after we poured Amstel into it.” Likewise, whatever you may think, The Sale of Goods act is unlikely to offer you much recourse because “the front panel light is too bright.” Equally, warranties kick off from the moment you left the shop. If you did have it in storage from new for two years (and why the shuddering fuck would you do that anyway?) and it has now gone wrong (usually because “storage” means a damp garage) you are still out of warranty.

There is, however one titanic inquiry that stands above all others. It was technically an email rather than a phone inquiry but I believe still encapsulates the genius we sometimes find ourselves dealing with. It arrived at 2.17am on a sunday morning and its author was obviously upset not to find me at my desk ready and willing to take his call.
Name: Bert
Email: [email protected]
Telephone: 999
Country: UK
Dealer: I Don''t know
Serial: Are you joking
Model: R50
Year of purchase: Heaven only knows* Problem: I have a pair of R50 stacks and need a pair of bass drivers.
Please tell me the cost inc. P&P and VAT.And please do not tell me that you will not supply spare parts; I am sick of seeing perfectly good equipment thrown on the scrap heap simply because the capitalist manufacturers refuse to supply spares knowing full well that this will force the person to buy all over again. Ever since that psycho thatcher got her clammy claws on power the psychopaths of capitalism have been finding ever more esoteric ways of trying to force us to part with a our cash. Even this contact is made as difficlt as possible. Why ask for the bloody serial number when you don''t put one on the gear to start with**. And there is no way that I am going to send my telephone
number across the internet. Once again the psychopaths of capitalism have no regard for others. I value both my security and my privacy but you want me passing sensitive personal data across what is effectively an open communications system; and worse, the sick psychopaths of State are monitoring everything now (or at least their capitalist cronies the internet service providers are).

Bert ********

*We think about 1975
**This product was old enough to predate our use of serial numbers

Length?- twenty years of hurt in his case it seems.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Sun 6 Sep 2009, 13:02, 1 reply)

Curious
To know whose loudspeakers you work with - am about ready for a nice purchase (don't worry, no questions in waiting!)
( elgordo, Sun 6 Sep 2009, 20:14, closed)