ARE YOU A GRADUATE?

Every year, middle-class white boys from comfortable homes leave the comfort of their chosen seat of learning, armed with the knowledge that will build them a sturdy and exciting future. But for many, university life is not a springboard for happiness, but merely the last morsel of joy before a long and grueling famine beset with disappointment, alienation and actual work.

Every year, thousands of hugely incisive and intelligent minds go to waste, suffocated by nine to five jobs in filing, IT and project management. That's literally years of life experience and world knowledge gleaned from lecturers, Wikipedia and TV shows, knowledge that could be put towards solving world hunger, establishing a new, workable form of world capitalism, and unveiling the dark conspiracy behind 9/11.

Some of these poor souls manage to adjust, rescuing their sanity by blending in, getting married, talking football and occasionally sounding off about something they read in the Guardian during dinner parties. But many never quite recover, and are doomed to a life of talking over other people about the eternal truths they learned on QI, fighting with other graduates on the internet, and namedropping their degree at every opportunity in the hope of being considered "the foremost knowledge" on something each time it comes up.

Several of these people will die lonely deaths. Some alone at their desks, hearts popped from a particularly violent row on the internet. Others dumped in a ditch, shortly after "educating" a paramilitary group about their own life history using facts they'd found on the internet.

It doesn't have to be this way.

Did your mother tell you that you were her special boy?
Did your lecturers give you high marks for repeating the nonsense they spouted while they were drunk?
Did you mistake a humanities degree for a certificate of unparalleled intelligence, as opposed to a "special award" for being able to perform simple tasks without drooling for three years, handed out to literally tens of thousands of other well-off kids a year? A certificate with about as much real-life worth as this one?
Do you still want people to know that you're intelligent, 24 hours a day, no matter the subject?

You need BORECORP's "U-SO-SMART-LINE".

Like many premium-rate phone lines, we have young, beautiful and single women waiting to hear from YOU. But unlike other premium-rate phone lines, these women don't say anything, allowing you to talk for literally hours about all the stuff you know about life, film, music, politics, social issues and even other people's lives, without anyone telling you that you're a self-important blowhard who really should shut up before you embarrass yourself.

Do you believe that Edward Scissorhands was really a subtle metaphor for the alienation of the American child from the MTV generation? Do you think that some of the continuity in Jaws was actually pretty poor, due to the troubles suffered in animating the shark during filming? Does society really need to realise that all the troubles in the West Bank actually stem from a long association with certain factions which we won't go into here because no one would probably understand?

CALL NOW. Our operators are standing by.

We listen to you, so no other poor bastard has to.

(Calls charged at £30 per minute, plus normal network rate. But it's okay, because Daddy will pay for it)



p.s. I cannot take credit for this, it was written by a friend of mine (who hasn't got an account, in his words "I have no idea how to post on B3ta, but I fear it may involve signing up and registering. I suspect that's where madness lies."), But I know he checks these pages...
(photoben, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 13:56, 7 replies)

*click*
well done.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 15:22, closed)

Whats the number to ring?
???
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:25, closed)

tee hee hee

( rofl harris, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:26, closed)

Awesomely written!
Im a terrible reader and cant normally read long posts.. find myself skipping. But i managed to read all of this! Tell your friend to get an account and post more!

*clicks*
(Miggyman, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 19:23, closed)

Can't use ...
a fucking apostrophe either.
(Que?, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 4:50, closed)

Hahaha, this is so very true.
And it's not just humanities degrees that give their proud owners a sense of entitlement, a big head and an allergy to basic courtesy.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 20:26, closed)

Great opening paragraph ...
It made me imagine a David Attenborough-esk Stage Whispered introduction.
(Que?, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 4:47, closed)