Thinking on my feet
When I was a boy of around 11 I discovered my penis. No longer was it humble "Mr. Pee Pee," used only for writing things in the snow or scaring girls, it was now my most favourite toy. I tweaked it, tugged it, rubbed it and stroked it at any opportunity, craving that special, warm feeling. Decades later I haven't stopped.

One evening I was enjoying my own company in the bath, playing with my inflatable soap boat and generally mucking about, all the while keeping one ear open for the telltale sound of the theme from The Bill that meant my family was downstairs and busy. There was no lock on the door due to my mum's fear of fire, and her utter lack of respect for personal boundaries meant there wasn't much privacy either. A half hour diversion (cheers, Tosh Lines) was the best chance I had. Once I was safe, I began to play properly.

A few minutes later I was fwapping furiously away, churning up the water like an angry great white wrestling a family of hyperactive seals, and I reached the point of no return. This time, though, it did something I'd not seen before. Out the end shot a thin, shreddy stream of mucilage, like a tiny elephant with a bad cold sneezing. Oh fuck! Have I broken it? No, just calm down, it's must be that 'spunk' the older boys talk about. It was sticking to me. Urgh! I had to get it off! More importantly, I had to hide my crime. With a frankly pretty arousing mixture of feelings: sexual gratification, disgust, fear and fascination, I rushed to sort myself out. I lay back and let the water drain while I tried to clean myself up without getting it on the flannel or in my hair.

The water had gone while I was still wiping the last of it off my red-raw, quivering knoblet. I was squatting over the plughole, prodding and peering intently at my kiddie's portion of meat and two veg when I heard the door open behind me. In walked my mum.

"Hello... Oh! What are you up to?"

I leaped to my feet, for some utterly inexplicable reason, and went bright red. Luckily where my body failed me my tongue took over. Years of training in giving off the cuff homework avoidance excuses kicked in, and with verbal reflexes like a sitcom smart-arse I gave her an entirely ficticious excuse before I'd even thought about it.

"Just checking for lumps, mum. The school nurse gave us an assembly about it this morning."
( Scrumper, Wed 9 Jun 2010, 15:48, 4 replies)

Tosh Lines
FTW
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 9 Jun 2010, 15:54, closed)

the only character named after the script
/ac
( Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus, Wed 9 Jun 2010, 15:58, closed)

Hahaha
Very good.
( Scrumper, Wed 9 Jun 2010, 16:38, closed)

you'd think she'd have knocked at least
... you were 11 for fuck's sake
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Wed 9 Jun 2010, 17:28, closed)