The King!
"CHEAT!!!" he bellowed across the room. I could feel the moist, warm air against my face as his voice rushed past my ears like a raging torrent of hatred. I didn't know what to say, what to do, where to look or where to put myself. He simply stood across from me, his face a strange, deep brown-red hue, his eyes bulging like small, vibrating lizard eggs of despair. His lower lip protruded, dark and bulbous like an offensive, leathery foreskin. His cheeks were so round and shiny that I could almost see the reflection of my face in them. And had I been able to see such a reflection, it would have been an image of shame and remorse. For yes! I had cheated!

It had begun several minutes earlier. I could tell just by looking that his was better than mine. Okay, it was smaller, but it was much harder. Its brown exterior was so much darker than mine, and that was a sure sign that it had a greater density. This, in turn, meant it would have a greater swinging action, and I knew he would wield it with all the pride of a great warrior in battle. I was not going to accept this lying down.

I excused myself for a moment and crept out where I found a pebble. I painted it brown, drilled a hole through the centre with a masonry drill bit, and inserted my string. I then returned to face my nemesis, and battle commenced.

It was a short game of conkers. My cunningly-painted pebble shattered his champion chestnut on the third blow, but he was not to be fooled. He recognized the sound of stone on conker and knew immediately that I had tried to pull the wool over his eyes. He was furious! I took him out for a milkshake and then we spent the afternoon watching Diff'rent Strokes re-runs. By stroking his ego for the rest of the day I had calmed him down, but it had been touch and go for a while.

And so, my advice is this: if you ever play conkers with Gary Coleman, don't try and be sly or cunning; just accept that he is the king and he cannot - CAN NOT - be beaten!!!
(stusut79, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 17:27, Reply)