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This is a question Cheating cheaty cheats

I'm rubbish at cheating. I was asked to help run a stall at a local fair. We sold squares on a treasure map for 10p a go, with the one closest to the "hidden treasure" winning stuff.

I told my sister where it was. I'd not really thought through how obvious this would be. I've kind of avoided cheating since, what have you cheated at? Confess all, it'll make you feel better.

(, Thu 17 Nov 2005, 10:14)
Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

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laser quest
i cheated at laser quest. i wore my coat over my laser target thing so no one could get me. I still didnt win hahaha
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 21:17, Reply)
too easy
we were all in the class room doing a test. As soon as our morbidly obese teacher leaves the room and waddles down the corridoor like a giant duck. i run to the front find the answer book open on the desk and begin to read out the answers. It was a short test with only 10 questions but as soon as i saat down our huge history teacher waddled back in with three bags of crisp and a cup of tea and didn't kno any different. We all got chocolate for doing well an i was class hero for a day till sum one beat me by bringin in sweets
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 21:16, Reply)
Where's Wally?
This is how sad I am.

I used to love Where's Wally (Waldo for our 'Merkin friends) books. I think at one point I owned every single one that they'd made up until that point. Upon finding one in the attic a few years ago I can't for the life of me work out why. Anyway, I knew the location of Wally on each and every single page. Even the really difficult ones at the end.

One year, when I was about 9 or 10, my parents were in charge of a stall at a school fair, so I had to get up at seven on a Saturday morning to help put the stall up. As it happens, our stall was right next to a Where's Wally stall, where they'd blown up with a photocopier one of the really difficult pictures (with several clones of Wally and only one "true" Wally). If you could stick a pin over where Wally was, you'd win a prize.

Aha! As I said, I already had every single Where's Wally book - including the one this picture was taken from. As I was right next to the stall, I was able to put my pin in first before any of the punters. Wham! Right on top of the "real" Wally that I had found at least a year or so previously. Straight in the middle of his fizzog too, just to avoid any arguments later.

The following Monday morning, during assembly, the winner of the prize was announced... and I'd won! Finally, for the first time in my life, I'd actually won something! Admittedly, I'd been able to cheat by (a) knowing the picture off by heart and (b) being able to get there first, but I couldn't give a shit. So, I went up to accept my prize, which was...

Well, I should have known. A sodding Where's Wally book. One that I already owned. Arses.

(Incidentally, if anybody wants a copy of "Where's Wally in Hollywood", I'm sure that I could find it for you somewhere)

I'd apologise for length, but that wouldn't take away the pain.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 19:08, Reply)
I cheated in my GCSE French. Really I did.
We had to make a tape of ourselves speaking some French. HOWEVER this tape had to be recorded at school. We were allowed to take two sides of notes in, but no full sentences. These notes had to be checked by someone before you went in the "recording" room. After showing my notes to the examiner, she gave me a cassette in a box, and I went into the room. Actually, it was more like a store cupboard, but the main point is that there was noone else in the room with me.

Knowing that this would be the case beforehand, I had recorded my own cassette at home. I went in, spoke a bit of French to myself, pressed a few buttons on the tape recorder, (So as the examiner might hear me outside and think I was really recording.) put MY tape in the box she had given me, walked out of the room, handed her MY tape in HER box and walked off.

I achieved a D in GCSE Frech.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 14:49, Reply)

In the late eighties, my and my friend formed a popular music duo called "Milli Vanilli"

However, in 1990, our grammy award was withdrawn after it was revealed that we hadn't sung any of the lyrics to our album.

Sure, we produced a second album, but it flopped.

(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 14:37, Reply)
Years and years
of pathetic little forged sick notes for PE.

Or fake limping.

Or non-existant music lessons.

Or sudden stomach 'cramps'.

Or 'being knocked down in football'.

I'm such a delicate little flower me.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 13:59, Reply)
my ex girl cheated on me
and when I found out, I kept quiet for a few days so I could formulate a plan. I spat in her food, ruined her debit card with a magnet, deleted all her friends off yahoo, took a LOT of advantage of her and best of all dumped her the day before christmas eve haha.
Heres a video of the stupid bint:

A glass LCD screen can not be repaired. Evar.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 13:24, Reply)
I'm such a lazy cunt.
I make heroes and adventurers run errands for me, just because I can't be arsed.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 12:33, Reply)
So theres me....
and him left, me a solider of the UAC and him a hulking great cyber demon with rocket launcher

i was fucked on all fronts, rockets coming left and right. The end was near and in my final moments of thought with nothing more than a knuckleduster and 12 health left, the answer became clear:

Saved the earth, for the 3rd bloody time!

.....watch out for my upcoming movie where im played by the rock.

....i'm so sorry! its the coffee
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 12:06, Reply)
Back at the end of high school four of us used to play 500 (the card game with like Euka & bridge with suits and calling, with 10 tricks). All four of us were cheats to an extent, but my partner and I were good at it, and the other two were crap.

So one round my partner had his cards arranged indicating he had a good hand but not the joker, so I arranged mine to tell him I didn't have the joker either. Subsequent signalling showed I had the ace to his king of his long suit. Meanwhile he saw one of them mouthing to the other one "have you got flappy" which is what they called the joker for some reason, and the other one subtly shook his head. So on his call in the first round he calls 10 no trumps, picks up the joker from the kitty, and whips some ass.

Bastard was always a better cheat than me - Sly Ollie if you're out there kick some more butt.

Oh yeah, then I went to uni, and one day there was a 500 competition. I didn't have a regular partner, so I taught this other friend how to play that afternoon, and taught him a couple of good signalling systems, but the cards weren't with us, and we lost the grand final. Fair play to him though - even though 50 odd people were scrutinising us, he kept up the signalling in the finals.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 11:32, Reply)
Not quite cheating grades, but cheating stupid school children of their money...
Y7 Food Technology, and we're all going to be making buns - the school supplied the flour, eggs, sugar, etc, all we had to do were bring in the decorations - icing, jellies, etc - me being smart, I got hold of a small carton of about 100 silver sugar balls, and thought I could sell the ones I didn't use.

Turns out demand outweighed supplies that day, I sold all the spare balls - no-one apart from me had brought any decorations - so not only did I make some lovely buns, I'd made 10p per silver ball, walking out of school with about £9 profit (a lot for a 11 year old), having only paid 50p for the silver balls in the first place.

Even Richard Branson couldn't do that.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 11:21, Reply)
Girl Drink Drunk
Sorry, I can't think of anything hilarious this week but this is interesting and a little weird.

Several years ago I had a few friends that were younger than me (sort of a band of younger brothers of my actual friends) obviously at 18 it would be socially suicidal to go to parties with them but we did occasionally hang out, which is when I found out about someone who (I think) was named Timmo.

At every party they had Timmo would turn up with two bottles of vodka. Everyone would stand watching with reverential awe (the same reverential awe they used when telling me this story) as he sat down at a table in the middle of the room. He would spend a moment looking at the bottles, sizing them up like an old enemy. Quickly he would open the first one and, in the hushed silence, down half of it. No pausing for breath, no burping, no sudden explosion of vomit. Just whoomph gone. Somone would tell him when thirty minutes had gone by and he would sit down again, eyeing up the bottle ruefully and then quaff the remaining half. At the half way point he would appear slightly drunk, but not too drunk to be able to pick up the second bottle exactly 30 minutes later and knock off another half of that. Nor again, another 30 minutes later when he finished off his supply to a round of applause. Afterwards there would be slight stumbling, but not the coma that everyone would expect. This would happen at each and every party and did so for nearly a year before I was told the story.

My first reaction to it was one of awe and a sizable chunk of jealousy. Vodka was my drink. I was known for be being able to put away decent amounts of it. At 18 this is still a good thing and here I was being made to look unmanly by a kid. Worse still I was being told the story by people who looked up to me as 'cool' (ahhh those were the days) and I felt like a bit of a disappointment. Anyhow with jealously at the forefront of my mind I, obviously, instantly proclaimed he was cheating. Told them that what was in the bottles was water and not vodka and at the next party they should check. The bottles would be open already. They did. They weren't. He allowed the friend to check the bottle was unopen and then open it for him, increasing his kudos and at the same time embarass the friend for having doubted his legend. This did not go down well with the friend, which he told me in no uncertain terms.

I pondered on this for a long time with two major thoughts running through my head. The most important was a memory of a rather cool biology teacher once telling me that drinking so much was impossible. The fact he had actually given me was that nobody could drink a bottle of vodka in under 45 minutes without dying. The alcohol poisoning it would result in would be too acute for the body to cope. Despite being armed with this fact I still had doubts (obviously; it seemed this kid had managed this amazing feat without cheating). It wasn't helped by the fact I was currently reading Stephen King's IT wherein a character does exactly the same thing by snorting lemon juice. The pain this causes confuses the body long enough to get the alcohol into his system without it noticing. Stupid I know but enough to make me doubt what I knew, especially with the evidence involved.

And then, from nowhere, common sense ran out the winner and I knew the answer. When the next party was on the horizon I told the friend to wait until Timmo was distracted and then run his finger over the top of the bottle and see if he could figure out the answer. He duly did so and felt a small dent directly in the middle. Catching on quickly he turned the bottle upside down and saw the contents start to drip from the cap. Timmo turned round just in time, a look of horror crossing his face, as the friend opened the bottle himself and downed half of it, much to the amazement of everyone around.

The dimple in the cap was where Timmo stabbed the bottle with the syringe. He would painstakingly remove nearly all of the vodka from both bottles before either syringing water back into them or holding them under the tap for hours. The bit I could never understand was why he would do this at all? He sacrificed hours of his time, the chance of drinking actual alcohol at the party and went on to have to bore himself stupid by acting drunk for the entire night when he was in fact stone cold sober. Either way he became a bit of a social pariah for quite a few years afterwards and no one ever really trusted him again. I'd like to say I felt sorry for him but to lie and cheat all of your friends for an entire year just to look cool? No chance.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 10:21, Reply)
a reverse cheat, actually...
and one that i am still apt to giggle over, even though it's been 30-odd years...

when i was 7, our family was going through some very tough times; food was scarce, and a bit of sweet afterwards was even scarcer. one evening, my younger siblings and i were delightfully surprised by having the treat of chocolate pudding for dessert-- we hadn't had anything of the sort in months! and that's when my evil nature took over...

as soon as my mom left the room, i challenged the sibs to a pudding race-- whoever ate theirs the fastest won! needless to say, i didn't let on that it was my mocking laughter that they would take with them to the winner's circle... as i pretended to shovel it into my mouth, i even managed to shout things like, "hurry! i'm almost done!" and "shoot! you're faster than me!" bwahahaha...

*sigh* i can still see their little 4 and 5 year old faces, as they looked up with their little pudding-stained mugs, an expectant gleam in their eyes; they had finished at the same time, only to realize that i had an entire bowl of pudding left... which i proceeded to eat right in front of them with agonizing slowness...

oh, and the prize? well, of course, they had the honour of washing my bowl and spoon... which entailed licking up the last gobs of pudding that i so magnanimously left them along the edge of the bowl.

i'm such a fecker! i should feel bad about it, i know, but it made me giggle again, even as i typed it! no wonder they always cheated at "old maid"...
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 2:41, Reply)
Does this count?
Few months back i broke my mp3 player.
I'm a tight arse so didnt want to buy a new one, i put it back together, made it look like factory error and got myself a lubly replacment for free :)

does this count as cheating?
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 2:29, Reply)
You utter twunt! I entered that comp...I was convinced for the best part of a year that I'd won and that it was just taking them a long time to ship it to me.

I demand my robot arm!
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 2:05, Reply)
My first spelling test
I had been out sick in first grade with the chicken pox when the teacher was explaining what a spelling test was. She sent the list home for me, and my mom assumed that I knew what to do with it. I brought it back the day of the test (my first day back) and put my clear book carrier in my desk, with the list of words facing up and out. When I found out what the test was about, I could simply look down at them and get the right answers.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 0:44, Reply)
We are the robots . . . .
When I were a lad, I used to always enter the kid's competitions in my mum's Woman's Realm magazine. Don't think many people did as I often won stuff, usually crap like Remus Playkits (if anyone remembers them). One time there was a competition to win a robot arm, which was just so cool as fuck, it was controlled by 2 joysticks and you had test tubes and stuff to pick up and move about. To enter you had to draw a robot. Me, I'm crap at drawing so I traced one that was printed in PCG (Personal Computer Games) magazines. Lo and behold I won the super duper ultra modern (well it was then, 25 years ago) fantastic robot arm.
I can even remember what the robot drawing looked like.
Maybe this is why my life is so shit now, I'm still being punished for this act of pure evil.
Look I'm really sorry, it's probably still in my parent's attic. I'll find it and give it to some poor kids. They'll have to get their own batteries though.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 0:29, Reply)
cheated on www.b3ta.com by posting a story that didn't actually happen. Chortle Chortle.
(, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 0:09, Reply)
Use your soul energy to imagine a perfect subject, without hate or pain...
For my 7th grade Latin test I cheated. Obviously. I wrote the answers on the TOP of my hand. And my shoe.
I shook hands with Magistra Schmitz.
She looked at them and commented on the pretty calligraphy work.
I aced that test. And I still feel cheap.
(, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 23:29, Reply)
Never believe "we can tell if you do that"
Got A* in GCSE French speaking coursework by being allowed to record it on tape (why?). Asked 'but surely we could just read it out?', was assured 'oh but we can tell if you do that.' Of course they can't and they didn't. They can't even tell if you pause every other sentence to prepare the next bit. Not really funny, more stupid. But of course, GCSEs haven't got easier or anything...

Oh, and I would question how Darfbozo could have received a signed copy of the Little Prince, given that Saint Exsuperie (sp) has been dead for some years now, and hence it would be really quite valuable. Schools aren't usually that generous, unless you went to some super-school full of rich twats.
(, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 23:01, Reply)
Aaah childhood memories...
I remember nabbing £500 notes from the monopoly bank when my opponents went to the toilet. Oh yes, I was a very rebellious seven year old...
*ignores sniggering*
(, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 22:22, Reply)
Spanish Test
Never too bright at Spanish...so me and my mate use to cheat, by having our little books with the translations under our tests...
Getting to year 10 I dropped Spanish, and was told it was such a shame cause I passed every test perfectly.
[Edit]: Also I have dropped my iPod more times than I can remember, and I managed to freeze it and fuck the battery, and as it wasstill under guarentee I got a new one. x]
(, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 21:17, Reply)
Not cheating, but an interesting approach to an exam
Whilst preparing for my GCSEs, my French teacher told the class about one pupil who sat the same exam a few years back. However, at the start of the exam, he flicks through and realises he doesn't understand a single word of it. So what does he do? Just guess, and try to blag a pass? Look at his neighbour's paper?


He only goes and eats the fucking exam. Pillock.
(, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 17:27, Reply)
The King!
"CHEAT!!!" he bellowed across the room. I could feel the moist, warm air against my face as his voice rushed past my ears like a raging torrent of hatred. I didn't know what to say, what to do, where to look or where to put myself. He simply stood across from me, his face a strange, deep brown-red hue, his eyes bulging like small, vibrating lizard eggs of despair. His lower lip protruded, dark and bulbous like an offensive, leathery foreskin. His cheeks were so round and shiny that I could almost see the reflection of my face in them. And had I been able to see such a reflection, it would have been an image of shame and remorse. For yes! I had cheated!

It had begun several minutes earlier. I could tell just by looking that his was better than mine. Okay, it was smaller, but it was much harder. Its brown exterior was so much darker than mine, and that was a sure sign that it had a greater density. This, in turn, meant it would have a greater swinging action, and I knew he would wield it with all the pride of a great warrior in battle. I was not going to accept this lying down.

I excused myself for a moment and crept out where I found a pebble. I painted it brown, drilled a hole through the centre with a masonry drill bit, and inserted my string. I then returned to face my nemesis, and battle commenced.

It was a short game of conkers. My cunningly-painted pebble shattered his champion chestnut on the third blow, but he was not to be fooled. He recognized the sound of stone on conker and knew immediately that I had tried to pull the wool over his eyes. He was furious! I took him out for a milkshake and then we spent the afternoon watching Diff'rent Strokes re-runs. By stroking his ego for the rest of the day I had calmed him down, but it had been touch and go for a while.

And so, my advice is this: if you ever play conkers with Gary Coleman, don't try and be sly or cunning; just accept that he is the king and he cannot - CAN NOT - be beaten!!!
(, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 17:27, Reply)
Cheats prosper, sort of.
1st year of secondary school ... Poetry competition, which was compulsory for English lesson. Now I'm not the flowery, poetry type and frankly I couldnt be arsed. So, a quick skip through a limeric book by Michael Rosen, a carefully chosen suitable 'poem' plus an additional last verse made up to match, and I was done.
Unfortunately I won the contest outright, beating the rest of the school and had to go up in assembly to collect my prize (a totally crap signed book - 'The little Prince').
It wouldnt have been so bad if, and this is god's honest truth, Mr Rosen hadnt been invited to school 6 months later and I had to read my award winning poem out to him and assembled teachers at a presentation.
He shot me a very dodgy glance midway through the recital, but said nowt thankfully. I made my excuses and legged it the moment I'd finished.
On the back of this I was entered into the inter-schools clever kids contest. Needless to say we didnt get far ...
(, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 17:06, Reply)
Cheating, just because ...
Not me (no, never) but my sister and my girlfriend. Playing Monopoly and my sister was The Bank due to a coin toss.

I was skint, propertyless, and couldn't even finagle my way out of Jail when I finally realized that they were passing cash to one another under the table.

Although I married the girlfriend, I never played Monopoly again. Alcohol is more recreational anyway.
(, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 17:00, Reply)
not even cheating...
First year at uni they changed the time for an exam. They changed it to an earlier(!) time. Now this was before e-mail, and they only put up a notice on a noticeboard next to the administrations office. People used to check these noticeboards to find out their grades after the exams. This was before and most peole were at home/library studying.
(beware of the leopard, all that)

So when i and most other students missed the exam, i went to the councilor person (not sure how this translates - studieadviseur in dutch). He proposed we do something about this, ie list everyone who didnt do the exam and demand that there be another opportunity.

To do this he lend me his office while he was out to lunch, i think i was to compile al list of all the people that were supposed to do the exam but didnt show. Anyway he was gone, i was behind the computer. And i wondered if there was something i could do about my grades and if he was worriyng if i would try do change my grades...
Meanwhile i tried to open/edit the list of students.

However everything was based on WP back then. And before long i had changed things, i had no idea how or to what file or if the changes were now saved.
I tried to fix it - it got worse. I was afraid it would look like i had tried to break into the computer. So now i panicked.

I think i tried to find the councelor person later that afternoon to tell him what happend. He was not in and i lost all my courage and just avioded the rest of my time at uni....
(, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 16:49, Reply)

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