Tonight Matthew...
When I was 8 or 9 I wanted to be Matt Roberts. He was my hero. He was tall and funny and had an extensive Beano & Dandy collection, including the annuals. He had the Young Ones on video. He showed me a used condom found near the school playing fields once. He was in the class above me but he let me hang around with him and his mates as they lived near my house. I could go on their bikes and everything. We played football in the summer holidays which lasted for several years in those days it seemed. Matt wanted to be in the Army which was about as cool as it got really. I was awestruck. His mum was cool, and his Dad had a very smart 'tache.

After a particularly brilliant and hazy sunny summer we returned to school. We had to prepare something for assembly where we all stood up and told everyone in the school who our Hero was. Mine was easy and i quickly wrote a few lines about Matt and how fandabbidozy he was.

I'm first on the register, I got to go first, in the whole of the school! I stood up and rather eloquently informed 265 kids of why Matt was my hero and how superbrilliant he was and how he let me play with his bike and football and let me try on his coat and how he was going to be an excellent great soldier and would kill lots and lots of people one day.

Cue silence and dropped jaws. Then, 1 second later, every single kid pissing themselves with laughter. Possibly some teachers too.

Bemused and bewildered i sat down at the end of my row. And watched the 29 other kids in my class reel off names like 'Kenny Dalgleish' and 'Big Daddy' etc and all really cool people.

Oh the shame. Fuck ambition!

forgot to say. Matt joined the army. Last time I saw him was as he passed me in Euston in full army gear. He looked like a fucking psycho.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Tue 3 Apr 2007, 11:46, Reply)