In which grandmasterfluffles poos
I was a fairly ordinary little girl in many respects - a bit brainy and geeky and serious, but otherwise fairly normal. I enjoyed running around and jumping and climbing trees, chasing animals, laughing too loud, I was terribly clumsy (still am!) and my hair was always a mess.

Then I started school, and realised that I was nothing like other girls.

All of the other girls at school looked perfect, from the ribbons on their pigtails to their patent leather Clarks slip-ons. They whispered daintily to one another, pointed and giggled at the holes in my red woolly tights, always behaved themselves. Their bedrooms were pink, and they played with Barbie dolls, not lego. They wrote vapid sentences in painfully neat handwriting. They picked at their ham sandwiches on white bread at lunch time. They all wanted to be air hostesses when they grew up. They were perfect, every single one of them, a regular little army of miniature Stepford wives in training. I would have given anything to have been one of them.

I began to realise that I had a filthy secret. I hadn’t realised that I was abnormal until I saw what other girls were like, but there was one major difference between us that bothered me more than anything else: I was quite clearly the only girl who pooed. They didn’t poo. They couldn’t possibly poo. None of these picture perfect little girls could possibly ever have pooed in their lives. I was furious with my mother for concealing the truth from me - she’d always led me to believe that my bodily functions were normal, but it was obvious that they weren’t. All of the other girls were normal, and I was a disgusting freak who pooed.

And so, in addition to begging my mother to buy me pretty clothes and Barbie dolls (unsuccessfully), and trying to adopt a more ladylike demeanour overall (VERY unsuccessfully), I set about quitting my poo habit. It was clearly simply a matter of self-discipline. I must not allow myself to poo.

The shame that I went through over the following few weeks was excruciating. Every time I lost control and caved in to my revolting habit, I hated myself a little more. I was a disgusting girl who couldn’t even control the whims of her anal sphincter, I would never have any friends, and the whole world was mocking me, their perfect little non-pooing faces contorted with cruel laughter. WHY COULDN’T I STOP POOING???

I wish I were making this up. It really was very traumatic.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 15:14, 5 replies)

And now you're a scat porn actress right?
Am I right?
I'm right aren't I?
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 15:24, closed)

Haha!
Not something that interests me, I'm afraid :P
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 16:32, closed)

I used to teach a kid who would do everything he could to avoid pooing
...seriously, we knew when we had to insist that he went because his breath would start to smell. I'm not sure it's biologically possible to be that backed-up, but he would certainly smell like he was. I'm pretty sure he was visibly smaller whenever he finally emerged from the toilets too.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 15:35, closed)

I'm no biologist
but my rudimentary knowledge of plumbing makes me think that this is possible.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 16:04, closed)

POIDH

( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 16:52, closed)

^
poo or it didnt happen?
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 21:53, closed)

Um...
If you want pictures of my poo, I'm going to have to go with "it didn't happen" :p
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 22:10, closed)

Oh, just like with Catholics and wanking.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 10:25, closed)

Haha yeah pretty much!
This one time at high school, one of the girls found out I was a tampon user and spread it around the whole year group. All of them were all like, "Eeeeeuuurrgh, that's DISGUSTING! You have to TOUCH YOURSELF to use tampons! You TOUCH YOURSELF! It's DISGUSTING!"

I lost patience after a while and snapped, "You sit in your own congealing blood. THAT'S disgusting."

I was not Little Miss Popular that day.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sat 21 Jan 2012, 10:34, closed)