Toothbrush of revenge!!!!
Breaking up is hard to do, so the saying goes. My ex missus didn’t think so, as she arbitrarily announced one night she was buggering off just after I’d picked her up after a night out. Had I known the bombshell she was psyching herself up to drop I’d have gotten pissed myself and made her bloody walk home. And possibly locked her out for good measure. But that’s all water under the bridge now, especially now that she’s not long for the world and I’m with somebody FAR better and much more deserving.

So, fast forward a few months and I’m still single, have eventually moved out of the marital hell hole, but still technically own half of it until she gets around to buying me out. Our relationship has settled down a bit to a point where we’re on friendly terms and quite comfortable with calling in for coffee or maybe going for the odd drink. At this point I still have a key for the place as she lets me use the computer for my uni course (I can’t afford to buy one at this point), and I’m also entrusted now and again to feed our her cats whilst she’s off cavorting with New Bloke. Oh, fuck it, his name was Graeme Slaughter and he was a smug wanker of the highest order with an irrational temper, as my ex described it. The latter part, that is. It was just me who thought he was a smug wanker. Biased? Me? No chance.

Anyway. One day I get a text asking me if I’d call in and feed the cats that evening as she wasn’t going to back until late and didn’t trust her dad to do it because he’d be in the pub slowly pickling himself to death. So I sauntered down to the house and let myself in, fed and made a fuss of the little furballs and generally kept them company for a bit. Helped myself to coffee, watched a bit of telly for an hour or so, then made moves to head back to my one-bedroomed batchelor pad of awesomeness™. The coffee had started to work its way through my system by now, and so I decided to avail myself of the facilities.

Stepping into the bathroom I immediately noticed something different that hadn’t been apparent the week before – an extra toothbrush in the toothbrush holder, and a shiny chrome stubble-o-matic STEALTH razor sitting on the shelf, looking self important. It was the kind of razor that looked as though it could slice half your face off from ten paces. Even the toothbrush emanated smugness. It didn’t take a genius to work out who they belonged to. Now, I’m not a petty person, but I became suddenly quite incensed that the bloke who had muscled in on my missus appeared to be gradually worming his way in to what was technically still half my house.

And so, with childish glee, as I began to piss like a horse I whipped the razor from the shelf and held it in the stream of my golden torrent of revenge. When I finished, I placed it back on the shelf, still dripping, and sniggering like a thirteen year old who’s just found a copy of The Joy of Sex behind the bins. Next time he has a shave he’ll be rubbing my piss all over his face. That’ll teach him; oh yes. He’s pissed all over my life, I’m just partially returning the favour really. But wait, there has to be more childish retribution to be had, surely?

Sticking a toothbrush up your arse is not an activity that’s going to catch on in the bedroom anytime soon, I feel. Well, not unless you’re Spanky. But the thought of him brushing his teeth one morning and thinking that the toothpaste tastes a bit funny made it worthwhile.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:58, 8 replies)

clickety-click
especially for the ``golden torrent of revenge''. teehee
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 17:06, closed)

Medals...
that's what needs to be given out for this sort of behaviour...

... MEDALS !!!
( SpankyHanky, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 17:08, closed)

top work!
did you save the entire planet too?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 17:15, closed)

you cut 'n' pasted my ™
didn't you
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 18:12, closed)

I can assure you I didn't
I wrote this on my work pc and it automatically converted it during the process. Copied and pasted and it stayed the same :)
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 18:20, closed)

just checking
*narrows eyes*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 20 Sep 2009, 14:09, closed)

I am drinking
Kopparberg, and saluting you with it most cheerily. Good work.
(berk, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 19:42, closed)

'technically'...
according to the rules of the playground:
(ie: you touch a girls hand = you've touched her breasts because her hand has).

therefore...
hes tongued your arse.

so ner.
:)
(nappy rash, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:01, closed)