In which grandmasterfluffles gets into a spot of trouble with Jesus
Where I grew up, the local Baptist Church ran a “Holiday Club” for primary school age children during the first week of the summer holidays.

Now, my parents were atheist Jews, and my spiritual education thus far had been pretty non-existent. My parents had nothing but contempt for religion. However, they were more than willing to put that contempt aside when the church was offering to take their little shit - sorry, adorable seven-year-old - off their hands for a week, even if it was in return for a bit of light indoctrination.

I wasn’t the only Jewish kid at Holiday Club - there was another Jewish girl who lived down my road, whose mum used to send her off each morning with strict instructions to “stick your fingers in your ears whenever they talk about Jesus” - if she’d followed those instructions she’d have had her fingers in her ears all day. And judging by the number of Muslim and Hindu kids there were at this thing, the Jewish community weren’t the only ones relinquishing their spiritual beliefs for a bit of peace and quiet.

Holiday Club was hell. During the morning, we’d have to sit cross-legged on the floor and sing Jesus songs. During the early part of the afternoon, we’d pick an activity to do - sports or arts and crafts. Then after that it was back for more bible stories and Jesus songs.

One day I’d sat through hours of Jesus songs, made a Jesus picture in the art class, and now I was back in the hall for more fucking Jesus. I actually didn’t know who this Jesus dude was, but I was thoroughly pissed off at him. And now this woman at the front was ranting about how Jesus had once turned some water into wine. “Well, bollocks to that,” I thought, “Everybody knows there’s no such thing as magic.” Then Jesus Woman lowered her voice to a tone clearly intended to convey a sense of wonder and excitement. “And now children,” she breathed, “We can recreate that miracle. Here I have a jug of water, and if we pray really hard, it might turn into wine when I pour it into this other jug!”

“Ooooooooh!” breathed 50 seven-year-olds.

“Bollocks,” I thought.

“So everybody pray with me. Dear Lord Jesus, please turn this water into wine. Please show us your wonderful miracle Jesus, Amen.”

She poured the water from one jug to the other, and sure enough, it turned red. Pandemonium ensued. “Whooooooaaahhhhh! It’s turned into wine! It’s a miracle!” Jesus Woman sat there smiling fondly at all of her new converts, sweet innocent angels who’d been shown the love of Jesus and would surely now be saved. Unfortunately, above the cacophony of gasps and squeals, one voice rang out loud and clear: “That’s not wine!” I raged. “You just put red dye in the bottom of the jug!”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get expelled from Jesus Club.

Not really. Oh how I wish I had been expelled. What actually happened was that they told my mum about my little outburst, and everybody at the church was utterly vile to me for the rest of the week. I never did get on with Jesus…
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:38, 21 replies)

I guess you will end up burning in hell for that... but you will be in pretty good company.
(Maclir, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:44, closed)

Click.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 18:29, closed)

Ha ha!
I once went to one when I was twelve and they started getting violent. I had to write a statement to forward to the police and everything.
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 20:28, closed)

Haha
One of the teachers at my first school did that trick during assembly. sadly none of the kids spoke up like you did.
(MC Toffeehammer, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 20:51, closed)

Baptist Camp
The local Baptists got together to organize a residential camp through the summers. At $10 for a week including transport, room and board and Jesus, this was too much for my parents and many others to resist. The bible punching was only in the mornings, and we got swimming and games after that. Before 10 year old me got on the bus my dad took me aside and told me to keep the atheist stuff I was brought up with at home to myself. I mustn't have been very good at that because they brought in their champion conversion councilor. God that man was a salesman. On the last day there I was, standing in front at assembly, saying "I found Jesus for my personal savior this morning and I have felt better ever since."
I held no belief in God or heaven then or since, but if I'm wrong, that little witness should serve me well.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 23:34, closed)

^This seems to be a common theme.
By the end you'll say you believe not because you actually do, but because you'll say anything at all just to get them to shut up.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 7:36, closed)

"I actually didn’t know who this Jesus dude was,"
That's the breakdown in social cohesion, right there. People like you are the reason that the far right is on the rise - I hope you're proud.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 7:58, closed)

I hope you're being sarcastic
because otherwise you've just said that the far Right is on the rise because of the ignorance of the Jews.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 10:02, closed)

As I'm sure you're aware,
everything written on the internet is 110% serious.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 11:24, closed)

I find it rather distasteful (not to mention hypocritical) that they have no qualms about lying to a group of children in order to indoctrinate them.
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 9:20, closed)

Eh?? That's what religion IS ALL ABOUT!
How else do they do it?????
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 10:32, closed)

That's a strange story
because they really had put dye in the jug. Which you'd imagine the kids would realise, at least when they got a bit older.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 10:01, closed)

No they hadn't
it really was a miracle.
(bekowsquap Was raptured on, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 11:29, closed)

Or beaujolais.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 11:40, closed)

Is it possible to be an Atheist Jew?
Just curious.
(bekowsquap Was raptured on, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 11:27, closed)

Indeed it is
as Jewishness is a race and a culture, as well as a religion - like the difference between being a Muslim and an Arab, except that they have two separate words for the two concepts and Jews have just the one. Also because Orthodox Jews have all this stuff about being the "chosen people", if you're born Jewish, you always count as a Jew, even if you're about as frum as a bacon sandwich. Weird but true.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 13:23, closed)

And conversely of course
if you want to convert to Judaism, it's really quite hard. No "I'm a believer - dunk me in some water" and presto: christian.

You have to take exams and all sorts, and even then, the rest of the congregation will probably look askance at you for ever.

It's quite an exclusive club, very hard to join, impossible to leave. And if you make a list of all the benefits, having your foreskin removed is top of list. It's a very short list.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 13:35, closed)

I must admit I do like a bit of genital mutilation of infants.
It really sets me up for the day.
(bekowsquap Was raptured on, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 16:26, closed)

I'd quite like to lop my boys' foreskins off,
but the NHS doesn't think it's worthwhile. I don't see how the ability to collect knob cheese is of any benefit to anyone.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 16:56, closed)

If you wash regularly
you don't tend to accumulate knob cheese. And we're designed to have foreskins. Why lop it off?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 18:20, closed)

It's what God wants
end of.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 10:52, closed)