Self-checkout machines.
The amount of times I have nearly screamed FUCKSHITTYWANKYFUCKMONG at the self-checkout machines in Sainsbury's is immense. They have to have so many staff on duty to help people when the mongmachines start flidding around that they might as well just have kept the original checkouts in place.

The smug, self-satisfied voice won't let you put the items in the bagging area on their own. You have to use a bag. But what's this? You've put your rucksack (easier to carry, better for the environment) in the bagging area, and start filling it. Except "there's an unexpected item in the bagging area", and you can't do anything unless you remove the bag, and replace it. And it happens again. And again. Until one is so shaking with rage and frustration that the people in the queue are backing away from you nervously, a red mist has descended in front of your eyes, and you are ready to tear the machine apart, bit by bit, to reach the smug android voice and KILL IT.

I prefer to join the long queue for the actual manned checkout desk, rather than go for the invitingly empty self-checkout option. It's better for my blood-pressure.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 14:12, 17 replies)

Me and the missus have worked out a system
Whereby we just hold the stuff on the bagging area until we've paid, then shovel it all into our rucksacks...it's annoying but we tend to get through the shop with only one or two incidents these days
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 14:21, closed)

Either my local shops have better versions
or else I'm somehow blessed with special skill, or you lot are all retards, because I find them a piece of piss to use. the only thing that annoys me is not being able to buy booze without it being approved.

But then, I actually follow the instructions and don't try and do something that clearly isn't going to fucking work, like putting a rucksack onto a bagging area that consists of a set of scales so well calibrated that it can tell whether you've actually bought one leek or two. You idiots. It's a machine. Yes, it's flawed, but the fact that you can't use it properly is down to your incometance/intolerance, not the machine.

It's like buying a lawnmower and then moaning it can't hoover the carpet. Jesus.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 14:44, closed)

It's not really
In some stores there is an option for you to collect points when you use your own bag. So the person who invented the machine should have thought of a way round this fairly major flaw. In fact, I've just thought of it myself.

It's quite simple really, when you start, you put your bag on the scales and it internally zeros the weight and from then on it can work out how much weight you've put on.

Quite easy really.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:00, closed)

not seen that on function on my local ones
but, it's just a validation of my point. follow the instructions. Don't assume it should work the way that you want it to. use it the way it's supposed to be used.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 17:54, closed)

Calm down, madam.
Yes, the machines come with an "I've brought my own bag" option, but that's fairly useless. The "unexpected item in bagging area" happens all the time, not just to me, but to lots of people using carrier bags. It is not obvious that putting a rucksack onto a bagging area isn't going to work - there's the space for it, and it does indeed give you the option to say that you're using your own bag.

However, this is not the point. My point is that supermarkets have spent a lot of money tearing out most of their "manned" checkouts and replacing them with self-service machines, in an attempt to employ fewer people and save money: these machines have to have several members of staff hovering around at all times to verify alcohol purchases, or to reset the machine when it's arsing up; the shop ends up employing nearly the same amount of people, whilst giving the impression that they are happy to fire a lot of checkout-staff and replace them with machines. They end up with a lot of stressed shoppers getting frustrated at the machines and other shoppers getting annoyed because the amazing "time-saving" self-service tills don't actually save that much time in the long run.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:00, closed)

Like I said
maybe my local shops are different from yours. The nearest Tescos to me employs one person to happily keep 6 of these buggers running smoothly, and they are a huge amount quicker than normal tills, for small numbers of purchases anyway.

And as for being told to calm down by someone who's massively losing their rag with an inanimate object? "Mr Pot, I've got a Mr Kettle on line 2. Something about the black account?"

Chill. Internet, Seriz Bizness. There are a million things more annoying then self-service machines.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 17:51, closed)

Yes.
Yes there are.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 22:05, closed)

A way to get around the problem is to
purchase a rucksack with every shop.
( shitkicker, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 14:50, closed)

Just been to sainsbury/s
there's button at the start that says 'USE MY OWN BAGS'

press it, plop your bag down on the scales and you're away.
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 14:57, closed)

The ones in tesco
don't have this option unfortunately. It would make a lot more sense.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:01, closed)

Yes, I know.
However, pressing this button does not help.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:49, closed)

Backpack and a carrier bag or two
Confuses the ectoplasm out of the shitty machine.

i.e. I'm a happy chuffer got past Level one and pressed 'brought my own bag' button, foiled Bowser and filled aforementioned rucksack without an 'unexpected item error' but, oh shitsticks, rucksack is now full and taking the rucksack off in order to fill the carrier bag is beyond the perceptual scope of machine's rudimentary sensor. Error Error. The machines seem alright if you're buying one or two simple items the weekly shop has become a right pain in the arse.

In my saino's they've replaced around 8 cashiers with 8 machines and one very stressed lady running between them with a magic card and code. I bet she dreams about the sodding things. Machines claim their first victim.
(Robot_Lover loves robots, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:23, closed)

The one I use...
has a button that says "skip bagging." Obviously, some things just can't be bagged. I just hit "skip bagging" for everything, and the machine leaves me alone. I agree that the voices on those machines are condescending, though. They remind me of the microsoft paper clip.
(BrainSurgerysFun, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:07, closed)

My main gripe with them
Is why the bloody things all have the same voice! They are so loud too and I find it soul destroying standing in the queue having to listen to the same smug fembot issuing instructions from ten different places. Couldn't they have a few different voices for variety's sake?
( Scrumper, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:08, closed)

I refuse
to use them, mainly because I am a luddite idiot and break them every time without fail, get red and flustered, drop something / fall over / the machine eats my money.
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:31, closed)

In Sainsbury's near me
the machines have an option for turning off the voice commands. There is a volume button at the bottom all the time, and after a few presses it cycles to 'mute'. This one discovery has reduced my anger at the machines by an estimated 98%.

The remaining 2% is for when it forgets to give me all my change. Never a very large amount, only about 5p, but it's a machine designed to count!
(Mr._Pickles, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 17:19, closed)

I refuse to use them
The profit made by the supermarket from me doing my shopping contributes towards the till-monkeys wage.

By scanning my own shopping, processing my own payment etc. I am not using the services provided by a till-monkey therefore I would expect my shopping to be cheaper.

*brief version of self service rant which I can't be arsed posting*
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 17:25, closed)