I did not have any school friends
My Father served in the British Army for thirteen years, until my Mother forced him to resign and move us all back to the UK. He served his last six months in a tiny village in Dorset and eventually he came out completely (of the army, not the closet) in 1988 and moved us to the Shit hole that is Plymouth in Devon. Plymouth is not a nice place to live, it is a fucking carbuncle, the arse grape of England. I did not enjoy living in Plymouth.

I was still of school age when we first moved there and having been to twelve schools already due to moving a lot, I thought I could make friends fairly quickly.

The first thing I noticed was that no one spoke English at this school. They all spoke Devon, which is quite hard to understand. The next thing I noticed was that they all stared at me like I was a freak. I had Long black hair because I was (and still am) a Heavy Metal fan and at that time had no tattoos or piercings.

Finally one of them spoke to me in something approximating English. He turned out to be the school Loony and yes for those of you who have seen Devon Loonies, he did have an in bred look to him.

I replied to this person of indeterminate ancestry and was promptly covered with his spittle as he guffawed at my alledgedly Posh Accent. For the next two years this human/chimp/Devon-person hybrid would taunt me with his mongy mouth and try to impersonate my speaking voice.

Eventually I entered the final year of the school, I had been accepted by some of the children, but I was still teased for my Posh accent by Chimp boy. I had managed to make two friends at this school. The first spoke to me because no one else would talk to him. He was the boy who had fouled himself during PE in his first year of Secondary school and no one had let him forget it. My second friend was a maniac from an area that I grew to Know as Swillie. He would drive to School each morning, for his last month in the school, in a stolen shit brown ford Cortina, until the Police finally caught him.

I left school and moved on to College and after a couple of years I managed to get enough points to enter University in Bath. Upon my arrival I made friends with a local Biker who was appalled at how common I appeared.

A few years later I attended speech therapy to help me turn my course male voice into a gentle female voice and it was here I found the route of my Allegedly posh accent.

Yes folks, I had inherited my Mother's Essex twang.

Thank you Plymouth, for showing me the depths that human beings can descend to and yet still be classified as human. To any B3tans living in Plymouth, I can only assume that you moved there for some reason or if you are actually from there, do yourself a favour. Get the hell out while you still can...

Plymouth, twinned with as Common as licking toilet bowls. Damn I hate that place.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 14:08, 8 replies)

Yes, but one can do some extremely good sailing in the waters off Plymouth.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 14:18, closed)

Very True
but surely one sails from Mount Batten and not from Plymouth? Oh you poor deluded fool, have they got you too?
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 14:24, closed)

Not to fear!
It was from Plymouth itself, but a rather nice private club (my friend's boat, not mine, I hasten to add), and we were only there for a week.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 15:34, closed)

plymouth
I live in Plymouth, always have done. Having not had a bad experience like you did I actually like it. And no, I'm not inbred and my accent is only slighty "Janner"!
(Shapethrower It's what you want, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 15:17, closed)

your friends sound fun.
tell us more
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 15:40, closed)

rite bey..
..they were probably glad to see the back of you
(inflateable, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 17:57, closed)

Clicked, init....
You are right. Plymouth is one large council estate and language is not the janners strong point. Walk past any local costcutter on a Saturday and hear the squawks of mothers claiming that they "need to go up Asdas to get their lottery's" while simultaneously slapping their child around the face. I moved here....and can assure you that it wasn't out of choice.
(sexual cupcake, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 23:11, closed)

You have my very deepest sympathies...
Oh you poor thing, I feel your pain because I have lived it.

The ASDA at Leigham is particularly common, but as I understand it, is considered to be the utmost of sophistication by residents of Honicknowle and North Prospect.

One of the most common places and also one of the scariest places I ever saw in Plymouth was a small set of shops in Ernesettle. The small Co-Op super market had displayed in the window a sign which read "A local shop for local people". I was never sure if this was a direct quote from the league of Gentlemen.

This area was the first place I visited where pre-teen children sat outside the News Agent and asked passers by to go in and buy them some cigarettes.

I am sorry Janners, but your city is frightfully common and escaping to Bath was the best thing I ever did. Mind you, I did live in Twerton for a while...
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 23:33, closed)