you want a complaint? fine, i'll give you a complaint
Dear Virgin Media,
WHY IS MY FUCKING PHONE DEAD, YOU HELMET-WARBLING JIZZMONKEYS??? it wasn't dead at 6 o'clock, when i got a call from my mother, BUT IT IS NOW! WHY?? my bill is paid, my cable t.v is working fine, but my phone has as much life in it as Mae West's twat. i suppose i could tell you all this, but I CAN'T FUCKING USE MY PHONE, YOU USELESS, PISS-SODDEN, GUSSET-RIDING MINGEWIPES! you waited till i had no credit in my mobile, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? you know i have to SIT here, with NO PHONE, until i can phone you from my mum's house tomorrow! GAAAAAAHHH!!!!!


seriously, don't piss me off when i have P.M.T....
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:08, 32 replies)

I think Virgin Media have online support
Some sort of 'chat' window you can use to copy and paste the above post into them.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:14, closed)

i prefer to speak to them on the phone
i can really sink my teeth into the fuckers then
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:24, closed)

catch 22 :)

( Bobod Perpetually following through, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:50, closed)

true
but it's probably a good idea to calm down a little before i speak to them
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:54, closed)

now now, there's no need to get hysterical
did that help?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:16, closed)

not really, no

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:24, closed)

Have some chocolate or a nice bath or something?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:20, closed)

i haven't got a bath
but i did jusy have some chocolate.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:25, closed)

I'm sick to death of calling Virgin Media.

I particularly hate that fucking awful patronising, cheesy-sounding bint who does the recorded messages.

And the music! Sometimes they give you a choice of music to listen to while youre whiling away the hours on hold. I asked for "easy listening" once - and got Gary Numan (Cars), Thin Lizzy (The Boys are back in town). I dread to think what my ears would have been assaulted with had I chosen Classical. Probably a bit of Motorhead or something. Why can't I chose to listen to nothing!
(Freakmandu, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:22, closed)

oh god, don't
had to call them last week, got the same 30 seconds of vivaldi played over and over, with "we're sorry, all our blah blah blah" in between
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:26, closed)

Yeah, and instead of giving you a decent amount of time for your ears to get used to the tinny garbage they call music - that fucking sorry message repeats every 5 seconds or so.
(Freakmandu, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:27, closed)

i find myself muttering
"you fucking will be sorry if i ever get my hands on you!"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:35, closed)

I've had Gary Numan and Thin Lizzy on 'easy listening', 'rock' and 'pop'

(Iggy Pop's Teeth, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:49, closed)

that's because you're not actually getting a choice
they just let you think you are, the cunts
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:52, closed)

This is exactly why
I save up my complaints until I have PMT. I'm either an angry crazy or I end up crying.
Fun for all!
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:44, closed)

i don't save them up, as such
i just don't get wound up enough to complain normally.
well, for 3 weeks out of 4, anyway.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:53, closed)

Normal sane person
becomes unstable irrational Harriden!
Yep. Me too.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:00, closed)

i'm also very tired
having just ridden 5 miles. getting hit in the face by midges and suffering pins and needles in the ladybits doesn't help to put me in a good mood :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:10, closed)

Would you like to borrow my phone?
Or tell me what sort of conversation you want, and who with and i will have a go. chat with friend about funny goings on of the day, i can manage that. family gossip with sibling, ditto. Refusing to talk to any telemarketer, i will deal with that.
Generally I LOVE it when my phone doesn't work...the blessed peace, and being able to actually do something without getting interrupted every few minutes. Phones are very rude and demanding, like spoilt toddlers
( seeballs Doo da da doo da da doo da da doo, da da doo da do, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:28, closed)

but what if
one of my mates wants to call me with MASSIVE GOSSIP?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:35, closed)

I can cope with that
I can say 'no she didn't!'.....' then what did you say?'.......' what did she do when he said that to him and she heard them and saw her do that to him' ...and lots of 'uh huh' and ' hang on a bit, i need a wee' sort of thing
( seeballs Doo da da doo da da doo da da doo, da da doo da do, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:54, closed)

Its no fucking good
when you do get through to them, the call centres are full of martians who have visited Bengal and picked up a bit of an accent. Even other martians cant understand them.
(DownhillGardener no-one does it like that anymore, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:37, closed)

i only tend to get the martians when i call tech support
if i get a woman on the phone, she's usually a snotty bitch. if i get a bloke on the phone, the problem is usually sorted within 2 minutes.
strange but true.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:47, closed)

Indeed - I've noticed that with other companies too.
(Freakmandu, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 1:30, closed)

Have you checked
that it's connected where it's supposed to be connected?

[Just checking]
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:27, closed)

done everything
i've seen far too many people kick off, only to find out the problem is due to some stupid little thing they haven't done themselves
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:44, closed)

I have to be different...
Once I had a problem with my Virgin broadband. After the usual checks failed, I called the tech helpline, and got through to an Asian-sounding woman. It took us the best part of an hour to solve the problem, and I have to say she was brilliant. After 20 minutes she told me we'd reached the time-limit, so I had to hang up and she'd call me back. Which she did, amazingly.

After much tweaking and twiddling we found and corrected the fault, and everything was working again. I thanked her for her excellent work.

I was already rather startled, but I had to go and lie down after the next bit. She thanked ME for being such a pleasant and patient customer to deal with.

Perhaps they have an allocation of one perfect call per month, and I got lucky that day.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 10:26, closed)

every rule needs an exception, i suppose

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 13:49, closed)

When you do get through to them say that you refuse to pay for a service you haven't been receiving for however long.
They'll say that in your terms and conditions it does state that service can go down from time to time and you still have to pay.
Push the point far enough in a polite but forceful way (i.e. be a wanker, but a nice one) and you'll get 1/2 price broadband for 3 months.

I've dealt with these wankers on too many occasions to let them fob me off with fuck all.
(WOGAN'S WIG FIXER, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 10:50, closed)

the damn thing's back on now
last time this happened, they told me that, as the phone was back on and they couldn't find a fault, the problem must have been with my phone, not their service.
fuckers.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 13:54, closed)

'as much life in it as Mae West's twat'
Everyone on my train now thinks I'm a special needs due to the uncontrollable giggling that triggered. :(
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 19:21, closed)

then my work here is done :D

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 23:31, closed)