Just say no
Not that I don't still paint myself into myriad cringe-inducing situations nowadays, but I think it's fair to say that the vast majority of my cringeworthy/degrading/humiliating activity took place between about 2003 and 2006 whilst in the grip of class-A and alcohol addiction.

And, of course, not at the time, but either when my memory came back to me some hours/days later, or when some helpful person (usually the friendly bar staff at any one of my 'locals') took great delight in relating the previous evening to me.

Highlights include:

-Throwing up down the front of my top whilst sitting at the bar. Wiped mouth, looked around. It was dark. Guy I was having interesting conversation with didn't seem to have noticed. Fuck it, thought I. Stayed put. Ordered another drink, forgot all about it and then stood up...

-Attending a work's do and deciding to handcuff both myself and the (frankly disgusting and 20-years-my-senior) colleague I had an obvious and unrequited crush on to the bar. Attempted intoxicated search for keys. Colleague not impressed when keys not found for a good hour and a half. (In my defence, the party was fancy dress...I didn't carry handcuffs as a general rule. Honest).

-During another work's do, sidled up to Ops Manager and Technical Director having decided that my coke-fuelled rendition of 'Eric the half-a-bee' would go down a storm. It did not.

-Having somehow mislaid a 200 quid bag of the aforementioned in my local, searched the place from top to bottom (apparently strangers were asked to get up from the couches so I could feel down the backs of them). Barman told me the next day that eventually I strode up to the bar, leaned across it, and with a very serious look on my face asked: "Have you seen my big bag of coke?" Somehow, was not barred. Probably due to the sheer amount of money I was putting over the bar every week.

-Attempting to sleep in the middle of the road in Blackburn town centre. At 4pm. (though, if you've ever been there, not a good idea at any time, really).

-Managing to be both intoxicated and hungover (not an uncommon state) when a big-deal manager from a very well known mobile phone company called me to query various ridiculous details about a software fix, which I provided a semi-coherent answer. Unfortunately, immediately and inexplicably found the whole conversation hilarious and eloquently informed him that 'You know what? That's probably a load of old bollocks, mate!' ...Silence. Looked up to find my assistant staring across the room at me with utter horror etched across her face. Dropped phone.

And yet somehow, I have never been fired from a job, arrested or kicked out of a bar.

If you think I was probably a grade-A cunt at the time, you're probably right.

As of today, I am 2 years clean and sober. I might still be a cunt but at least I won't throw up on your shoes.
(Samara Morgan is a small blue thing, like a marble or an eye, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 1:39, 8 replies)

Flawed?
Certainly sounds like it but - any attempt at singing 'Eric the half-a-bee' is perilously close to consolation prize time and deserving of the queens award for industry, not too bad.
(Benzyl, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 3:26, closed)

Cheers
It really was an 'attempt' too. I seem to remember an almost-dance as well, but...I'm trying not to.
(Samara Morgan is a small blue thing, like a marble or an eye, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 21:04, closed)

Did you find the coke?
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 5:12, closed)

No...
It would have almost been worth the cringe factor if I had. Epic fail. Perhaps 'friendly barman' found it.
(Samara Morgan is a small blue thing, like a marble or an eye, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 21:06, closed)

Your getting a click just for mentioning my home town of Blackburn.
Even though it was a shithole. Don't know what it's like now though.

It was about 25 years ago when I left.
( girlinthehole, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 15:21, closed)

two things
1. the bee song lead me to the fish licence sketch - one of the very few i haven't seen. sounds a lot like living out here in dubai - i got my drivers licence along with an application form for a drivers licence and an application for a certificate of non existence of a drivers licence. yeah i know.

2. "Have you seen my big bag of coke?" CLICK
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 17:43, closed)

He is...an halibut
'...I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.' Also reminds me of my recent entanglement with the frankly kafkaesque Dept of Work and Pensions.

Cheers!
(Samara Morgan is a small blue thing, like a marble or an eye, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 21:14, closed)

Don't go back

...it's still a shithole. Haven't lived there for two years but I don't think anything less than a napalm strike can save the place
(Samara Morgan is a small blue thing, like a marble or an eye, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 21:09, closed)