Well...
MatJ's guide to not being caught watching internet porn:

I have never been caught in a compromising position (wanking, looking at porn, anything) by anyone. That's not to say I don't do any of these things, just that I'm not enough of an idiot to let myself be caught.

For Christ's sake, how hard can it be! Follow these simple tips for a worry-free existence.


Don't watch porn with headphones on. Ever. Unless you have a lock on your door. It's just not worth the risk.

Wait until people leave the house. Be certain they have left by shouting "Fire". If no-one comes, you are safe.

Get into a position where you can overlook the entrance to your house. Make sure that you can see down the drive in time to get ready.

Make sure you have an admin account. Then you can delete the history.

Delete the history. Delete the saved files. Delete the cookies. Leave the saved passwords if you must. Firefox will do all this automatically if you take 3 minutes to set it up.

For the love of sweet baby Jesus, turn the autocomplete off. You really don't want a list of suggestions popping up all the time.

Although people think the "clear history" button is foolproof, it's not. Clear it manually. In windows the file path is something like

Hard drive:/users/userX/documents and settings/local settings/temp

Local settings may be a hidden folder, but that's not hard to get around. You wouldn't believe the amount of stuff that ends up there when you think it's gone.

Invest in a decent antivirus program.

You know how media player displays a list of previously played files in the file menu? You didn't? Well you do now. Turn it the fuck off. Tools, options, privacy, uncheck the box under "history". You know it makes sense.

Media player again. You know that it automatically monitors certain folders for new media, and adds them to the library without asking? You do now. Tools, options, library, choose which folders you want monitored. Don't monitor the porn folders.

You know when it says "add to library by searching computer"? Be careful what you press, or it WILL find the porn anyway.

Last, make sure it hasn't been perversely added anyway. Check your videos list. Then check it again, just in case.

Make sure you retain enough clothes close to hand so as to look innocuous, should you be surprised with only a few seconds to react. keep your dressing gown on. You'll get a reputation for being lazy, not for being a dirty bastard.

Be very, very wary of multiple tabs. Set the browser to close however many there are without prompting you. That extra second can make all the difference.

Don't think you'll get away with minimising stuff. It's not worth the risk.

Opening multiple versions of explorer/firefox WILL cause the bar to show only "8 firefox", but that's almost as bad as just minimising it. "What is he hiding"? "Could it Octogenarian scat porn"? (To borrow a phrase). Probably better if they just saw the porn in the first place.

Limewire: Be afraid. Be very afraid. Those "File XXX has been successfully downloaded" dialogue boxes are a bitch, and I haven't yet found a good way of disabling them. Also, check your "incomplete files" folder often. It can hold nasty surprises.

Hiding the porn: Make the file name harmless. Something like "Accounts Jan08". Put it in a backup folder, not a working directory. Don't try to put it in the last place someone will look - often it's the first. Stick it somewhere in program files, maybe in with minesweeper. I don't know.




This has been a public service announcement from "Paranoid bastard" publications.


MatJ
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 3:14, 10 replies)

blimey - what sort of porn do you watch
peeled babies being rolled in glitter?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 8:09, closed)

preaching to the choir?
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 11:12, closed)

I would have thought so
Right up until I read this qotw.

Now I don't.
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 14:06, closed)

The google toolbar is the scariest piece of software ever.
I had some porn stashed in a directory which I thought was pretty well hidden. Basically, I had removed all read permissions on a parent directory, so you could only find it by knowing the file path, or finding the directory (which was quite unobtrusive) and changing the permissions back. A search of the whole drive for "*.avi" would show up nothing.

Anyway, the google desktop tool somehow found it, indexed it and would autocomplete on the file names. That little piece of software was uninstalled in a hurry, I can tell you!
(Mr T, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 11:32, closed)

and another thing...
...why does it take six clicks to clear the 'document history' of the start menu?

I contend that most computer users are male.
Most software writers are male.
Most porn users are male.
So why is it so hard to avoid embarrassing ourselves?

Also a Top Tip here: Second Hand shops of the "cash converters" variety (because that was their name) - Don't sell 2nd hand computers pre-loaded with porn. It will needlessly embarrass a young Incredible Sulk, when he shows his new PC off to an interested mother.

Also, for shopper comfort, don't hire staff with voices that would put Brian Blessed / Loud Howard to shame. I only needed to hear technical details at normal volume; "Pentium 3" is better than "PEEENNNNTTTIIIUUUMMM THHHRRREEEEEEE!"
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 11:39, closed)

I am SO much more paranoid!
Here's what I do.

DON'T use Internet Explorer (or whichever software your wife/mother/flatmate usually uses to access the internet.) Instead install something like Opera. For added security don't install any shortcuts, instead launch the program from the program files folder. Opera can be very easily set to delete all traces of previous searches and browser history/cache. Better yet, it stores this stuff in its own proprietary file format, so no-one can access it "accidentally". Now just use Opera to access teh pr0n and your IE-using wife/mother/flatmate will be none-the-wiser.

Secondly, delete all porn after it's "served its purpose", if you know what I mean. What do you want to keep it for? Do you WANT it to be found?! If, for some reason, you decide you do want to archive your filth, do the following.

Download and install WinRar. WinRar is zip-like software that lets you package many files up in one file. You can also package them with a password, for added sneakiness. For double bonus paranoia points you can even delete the file extension (.rar), so Windows won't know which software to use to open it. So even if your wife/mother/flatmate finds the file they won't be able to open it. And even if your wife/mother/flatmate does somehow figure out what program opens the file they still won't be able to access it without the password.

I am the paranoia king!
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 12:46, closed)

You're not the paranoia king.
I do everything listed in my post.

I am the only person that can use this computer.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 17:23, closed)

Ok,
that's pretty damn paranoid!
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 11:46, closed)

Or do the opposite.
I have all my porn in a folder called 'filth'. All the files are called what they show 'Busty McBoobs takes a brick up the shitter while a donkey is 18 inches down her throat'. It's available over the network for anyone who may need to use it.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 11:17, closed)

Better still..
...buy a 4gb USB key drive, install ubuntu (or other distro) on it and boot to the ubuntu installation on the usb drive. Save the smut to the usb drive. Shut down, eject and leave no trace.

www.pendrivelinux.com/
(mcnelson, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 21:43, closed)