taking the artworld
I was once a poor student.
This was partially my fault. I don't like working. Never have, never will. I find it undignified. I was living off a small student benefit, this was in the days where the government paid you to go to Uni, but after rent and sundries I was constantly skint. Unwisely, I organised a ski trip which my friends all agreed to go on, then quickly realised there was no way I could ever afford the 3 grand it cost to participate.
As fate would have it, I noticed an ad in a magazine offering an art grant prize of up to 5 grand. I knew I would be competing for it against actual artists wanting to do real arty things, so I needed both a convincing proposal that would use materials up to 5 grand, and a believable artisitic persona to adopt. I settled on sculpture, firstly as i had no talent for painting, but mainly because I thought I could steal the materials I could cost in my proposal, and also a friend of my dad had an arc welder he could lend me (how hard could it be?).
I wrote a proposal and did some preliminary sketches, basically a 13 foot tall robot man tearing at the sky, with a television for a head (I already had the broken tv). I can't recall the exact words I used, but there were references in there similar to "a reaction against the isolating mediated experience of broadcast consumerism" and "juxtoposition of the modern waste culture with the negation of the self". I didn't need to dress differently, there is little difference between the clothes of a tortured artisitic recluse and the indifferent slob I was. I did intentionally treat all my interactions with the board who were making the decision with utmost seriousness: no humour, jokes or ambivalence about my work. It was IMPORTANT that this statement be made. I calculated that if I appeared to utterly believe it, they would to. And this is the way it played out. (this is an important tip I would give any artist, whether sincere or full of shit like I was). I went through a few rounds of judging, with some very earnest and surreal conversations. It was a curious mix of greed and guilt for me. I could almost feel the snow of my ski trip, but part of me was thinking, "these people are so sincere and positive about what you are doing, and it's all complete tosh".
I won the prize, and blew all the money away skiing within two months. this wasn't the end of it. They started gently pressuring me to produce the artwork, and this became more insistent as the months and deadlines went by. I started getting formal letters asking me to account for the money, and their tone changed from hopeful, to disappointed, to as assertive as those arty types can be. They were under pressure themselves, they'd awarded a prize and had nothing in return. I figured If I gave them something, anything, they would call it even, as it was becoming a hassle always trying to avoid them. After about 8 months I commenced builiding it the alley next to my flat. Having no money, I stole what I could. A mate and I walked out of my Uni with a huge xerox photocopier which become the base. People opened doors for us, unaware of the theft. Lecture room chairs ripped off their sockets, chemistry equipment, aircon ducting, it all went in there. Welding is actually a lot of fun and suprisingly easy, at least to a certain low standard. When it was done, I didn't want to meet with the board in case they asked me for an accounting of what I spent the money on. With the help of some friends, we moved it in the middle of the night to the place it should have gone a year ago. Later, the commitee put a plaque on it with my name and "untitled", and there it stood for years, on the corner of a busy intersection in central Melbourne. The threatening calls stopped. I ran into one of board judges a couple of years later, we'd made eye contact so it was too late to scarper. Suprisingly, she said they all liked the finished piece, though I suspect this was more from relief after a long time believing they'd been scammed.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 21:24, 7 replies)

art is subjective
you can get away with any bollocks
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 21:36, closed)

I think it takes skill, but often skill other than technical ability
such as the ability to project and maintain an aura of importance about work that has an underlying lack of substance
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 22:07, closed)

a mate of mine went to art college
he spent 3 weeks on a painting and 5 minutes on a shit splodgy thing with the leftover paint. the teacher hated the first and raved about the "powerful raw essence" of the second.
that was the day he quit art college.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 22:22, closed)

Two words
Jackson Pollack
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Mon 9 Jul 2012, 4:11, closed)

pics?

( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 22:30, closed)

poinh

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 22:48, closed)

damn straighn

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 6 Jul 2012, 1:45, closed)

I have a sneaking suspicion
that the art world sort of said 'fuck it' around about World War One.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 6 Jul 2012, 2:30, closed)

you are Damien Hirst AICMFP

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 6 Jul 2012, 10:23, closed)

I thought this was how art worked now?
Most of the modern pieces I've seen look like a lazy student put them together for some booze vouchers.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 7 Jul 2012, 16:40, closed)

Brilliant
I hope this wins.
(McChinaman banned, Sun 8 Jul 2012, 6:29, closed)