I created the customer from hell (sort of)
10 years ago I had a stopgap job at my local airport working behind the bar. After a few weeks the head manager realised that I could add up, string a sentence together and more importantly wasn’t stealing from the till so they put me in charge of the thieving retards that worked there.

Now the thing you have to understand is that when a job starts at 4am and pays £4.74 per hour with no overtime rate you don’t exactly attract the cream of the available workforce, and one morning I was introduced to a new member of the bar staff who I had the pleasure of showing the ropes. He was 18, scruffy and to be blunt, thick as a donkeys cock.

I showed him how to pour a pint and how to use the till. I also explained that every other customer will complain that the prices are extortionate and that they will explain that the same drink is half the price at their local pub, at which point you should put on your most charming smile and say “Ah, but you cant catch a plane from your local”. If you said it right you would get a laugh every time and turn a grumpy complaining customer into a happy holidaymaker who might even give you a tip for cheering him up.

So the shutters go up and we start serving the first customers of the day. A large tough looking man with his extended family approached the bar and made his order. The new lad took the order with no problems and stated the total cost; at which the customer looked aghast and complained that it was twice what it would cost him down his local. The new lad looked at me and I nodded, he turned to the customer and said “Ah yes…but...um…why don’t you FUCK OFF DOWN YOUR LOCAL THEN”. There was a split second of silence during which my draw dropped through the floor and then the customer exploded into apoplectic rage, his wife joined in and their terrified kids hid under a table and started crying. Security ran in and had to restrain the man from climbing over the bar and tearing me apart to get at the new lad who was cowering in the back room. Luckily this was before 9/11 so nobody got shot or held for 28 days without charge.

We both ended up in the airport general managers office with members of the security staff giving their account of what happened. The new lad was crying like a baby with tears & snot running down his face, when asked why he had insulted the customer he pointed at me and sobbed “He told me to say it”. Unfortunately I wasn’t fired as it was only 6am and I had another 7 hours before the next shift arrived. The new lad went home.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 12:50, 8 replies)

I hereby click
For this is brilliant.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 12:53, closed)

That is priceless
*clicks*
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 13:02, closed)

Brilliant

There's no accounting for stupidity.

*clicks*
( Moey, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 13:08, closed)

CLKCKCKC

Love the way the guy tried to blame you!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 13:15, closed)

Hey
You've got to feel for the kid - it's an easy mistake to make, surely?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 13:56, closed)

It was an interesting shift
The lad had obviously paddled out of the shallow end of the gene pool. I don't know if he was trying to blame me or if he didn't know the difference between giving someone a witty reply or telling them to fuck off. There were others working there like him.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 14:24, closed)

Click for this
The first story this week to make me cry with laughter!
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 20:47, closed)

What the guy above said.
Proper tears of laughter! This FTW!
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 21:47, closed)