right then flame away see if i care
this...

www.guardian.co.uk/money/2003/sep/27/tax.jobsandmoney

is still for my money the BEST response ever written to a somewhat dissatisfied customer

yes you may have seen it

yes it off TEH INTERNET

yes it is old

but as my dear grandmother would say piss up a rope fuckstick

!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:00, 14 replies)

Not actually seen that before
Garnered a grin, it did.
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:08, closed)

That's very funny
*likes*
( chart cat has an itch, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:09, closed)

A Classic !
Smiles

Clicks

Looks over shoulder to see if Todd the Funcrusher is on her way to exercise her self appointed powers as facist police controller of teh whole internet and tell you off!
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:10, closed)

Todd is just a little anal about spelling is all.
Whatever you do though, don't suggest what she needs is a shag...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:11, closed)

brilliant!
does he get stephen fry to write his replies for him?
btw, todd might not need a shag, but i'm open to offers ;)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:13, closed)

Suggest she needs a shag!!!!
Christ no!

She looks like Anne Widdicombe but with a bigger arse and a worse haircut!
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:14, closed)

That's a very bad thing to say on a website
Unless you happen to be male, in which case people will just point and laugh. Prepare to be pandered to by legions of the spotty undead.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:15, closed)

I just hope
That the legions of the undead coming to offer Pandas are much better drawn than the secondary school level efforts of her profile!

Emos crack me the fuck up every time.
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:20, closed)

What?

( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:23, closed)

*belms at spimf*

That's so old and off teh interweb and everything.

*pisses up a rope*






*washes piss off head*
( Moey, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:31, closed)

i'm not male
just horny :D
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:50, closed)

Simply
excellent.
(Dramamine, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 22:25, closed)

Grand!
Never read it before and almost broke a rib laughing. Cheers!
(Dr. Scambolic, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 23:35, closed)

Dissatisfied cusomer
A cracker indeed, one would have liked sight of the letter that provoked that response!

Perhaps it was not too dissimilar to another off the internet you may have seen!
Here it is below for the benefit of those who may have missed it!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that :
a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed);
I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman ...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.
That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are.
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.

I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly
be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company.

I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
(jethou1, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 19:31, closed)