Fountain
Summer of 2000, at a house-party with some of my mates after we'd finished 6th form. One more party in a whole summer spent loafing and boozing...

Anyway, there's a massive queue for the loo, so my friend Craig decides he's going to sneak out the back and have a wee at the bottom of the garden, where no-one will see him. Having shared his cunning plan with us, he opened the back door and disappeared bravely into the night, mind set on his objective.

Two minutes later, no Craig. Five minutes, no Craig.

What's he doing out there?

I go out to investigate and there's no sign of him, so I get my phone out. He didn't answer at first, but after a few tries, he picked up.

Craig: 'Hullo'
Me: 'Where are you?'
Craig (nonchalantly) 'Oh, I'm on my way home - wasn't enjoying it much...'
Me: 'Eh? We were having a great time? Plus you live miles away - you should have got James to drop you off if you wanted to go.'
Craig: 'Nah. Fancied a walk.'
Me: 'Alright'

This is a bit weird... Anyway, it wasn't until a few days later after much inquiring that we got the full story.

Craig, knackered after a day at work in a warehouse for his summer job, and with a belly full of beer, had gone out into the pitch blackness at the bottom of the garden, started peeing in the hedge, and relaxed into it so much that he shut his eyes, dropped off into a reverie for an instant, and promptly keeled over backwards, managing to create a human wee fountain which covered his face and shirt as he arced backwards and hit the ground with a thump. Realising he was now covered in foul-smelling beer-wee, he'd elected to travel home by the quietest route possible, like some sort of piss ninja.

Apparently it took him over an hour as he detoured through the fields in the dark rather than take the quicker route through town and risking being seen.

So there you go, kids - don't fall asleep in the dark and wee all over yourself.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 18:37, 5 replies)

click
for "piss Ninja".
(kitescreech still here, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 19:20, closed)

^ That.
:)
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 21:25, closed)

^this
*click*
( Zumf Ham banjo, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 1:30, closed)

^likewise
a super line!
( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 9:18, closed)

hilarious
You have the honour of being one of my first clicks! :)
(Spackles Made sexual advances in your general direction on, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 19:15, closed)