Dates Gone WrongEver gone on a date when "she" turned out to be a male university lecturer in his 50s who tucked his shirt into his Y-fronts? No, me neither. Tell us how it all went shit-faced.
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Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 13:13)
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This WILL be a long one. So, I was living in Glasgow, and was enjoying the local ladies well enough.Staying in a Georgian townhouse that had been converted into 5 bedroomed apartments. My landlord lived in, but spent most of his time at his girlfriend's, and there were two other blokes living there who were both hardly ever in too, which meant that there was usually no embarrassing encounters in the kitchen or living room the morning after.
Until The landlord's girlfriend Diana decided to take an interest in me. No, not like that. She just thought that it was time I settled down. And she had a 'LOVELY' single friend, who'd I'd be just 'PERFECT' for, because 'She's over her last fiancée now stuj. And she likes nerdy blokes and you know, you're a weatherman and that so it counts, right? Anyway, she's coming over tomorrow night with Ken and me for dinner, so that she can get to meet you. Don't worry, I know you won't be back from work until gone 8, so me and Ken will have everything ready. You just come home, shower and change, and we'll bring Susanne round at 9.'
Now Ken was a bit of a hippy, he'd inherited the apartment and saw letting it out as a way of not having to work, leaving him time for his sculpting. Diana was a fashion designer. Susanne was her best friend since school and modelled for her part time. The rest of her time, I found out, was spent being a nightmare.
The dinner party went ok, Susanne was very pretty, very charming and an enthusiastic drinker. When she suggested we all go on to a club, I saw no reason to say no.
Within twenty minutes of getting into the club she was a mess. I don't mind having a slobbering drunk girl groping me in public, but it's a bit awkward when she's trying to start a fight with her own reflection at the same time.
Still didn't put me off her though. So after we'd poured her out of the club and Diana and Ken 'tactfully' said that they were going back to Diane's we grabbed a taxi back to mine. Where after a bit of a fumble she started snoring.
When I woke up the next morning, she'd gone. And so had my wallet and my keys (not that I knew this at that point). I got in the shower.
As I'm drying off the front door opens, it's Susanne.
"TAH DAH! I didn't have any money so I borrowed your wallet. Here it is, and here's your keys, and HERE (with a big cheeky grin) is a bacon roll and some beer for your poor head" And she hands me 4 tins of Stella and a bap.
So yeah, I fell in love. What bloke wouldn't?
We stayed in all day, She went home mid-afternoon and I went into work that night with a smile on my face and a spring in my step.
And got home the next morning to a flat that looked like a warzone.
Susanne was curled up on my bed crying.
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU BASTARD?" she yelled.
I had no idea what the hell she was on about and said so.
"WHO'S AILEEN? WHY WAS SHE CALLING YOU?"
Aileen was my boss. She'd phoned the flat before remembering that I was on nights. This OBVIOUSLY meant that I was fucking her. I never did find out just WHY Susanne had come back to mine after I'd gone to work, but as the bloke I already knew that I WAS WRONG. ALWAYS. AND IT WAS MY FAULT.
So, with the pattern established I STILL went out with Susanne for another 2 months.
Why? Because I'm an idiot. A horny LOVELY idiot.
tl;dr: ALL women are MENTAL. ALL of them.
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stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 15:14,
22 replies)
When she 'borrowed' your keys to get breakfastshe also had a cheeky spare one made then? ALARM!
(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 15:23, closed)
Nope, she'd been round to Diane's and borrowed hers.Although she did get a spare made at some point.
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stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 15:26,
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this may be the most offensive thing anyone has ever said on here...:(
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stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 15:28,
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It's this sort of thing that got you all those restraining orders.(
stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 15:44,
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No wonder poor baldmonkey went into hiding.:(
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stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 15:59,
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See, the REALLY worrying thing about all this for me is that I'm starting to suspect that you're trying to flirt with me.(
stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 17:05,
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no, women(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 19:57, closed)
oh dear stuj, I'm not sure anyone will be happy to accept dignity advice from you after reading this(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 16:00,
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Oh, come ON 2 Cans.There were NO Frisbees involved. Ever.
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stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 16:03,
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Shush it you.I was young. And LOVELY.
And a complete fucking doofus.
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stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 16:20,
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I have suffered an alarmingly similar situationIt would seem men are powerless to mental women if the sex is good and they look hot.
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Glovington, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 16:34,
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Yup. That's just how it works Glovs.(
stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 16:39,
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A friend of mine picks mental women. However, I can see that they are unattractive and he then tells me that they are shit shags. Odd innit.
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d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 17:13,
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He married and divorced the most mental one(
d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 17:59,
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I had no idea you were an alcoholic.(
monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 23:55,
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