All of me.
My biggest dissappointment is the hopes I had for this new chapter in my life. My husband (kissylips) died last summer. He'd been very ill for the past few years. I started seeing a lovely man in January which really took the edge off of my misery. I was swept off my feet. So handsome! What a body! Yum! A great kisser too! Best of all, he's a good, good man who works hard (construction), is caring and loyal. We love each other and get along wonderfully. He and my cat have adored each other since day one. He has a drinking problem which he warned me about. He doesn't fall off the wagon often and doesn't have a mean bone in his body. Being home together is comfort, sanctuary, time to be ourselves and for fun silliness. He always hugs and kisses me as he leaves for work and when he comes home. He always calls when he's going to be late.
Over the past six months he's changed. There's something very wrong. He sleeps on the couch. We both snore but no man has ever refused to sleep with me over my snoring. He claims now that he's not a lovey-dovey, touchy-feely person. No more long kisses, foreplay or cuddling. He won't allow my mouth on him *anywhere* anymore. Sex has become infrequent and the most impersonal that I've ever experienced. There's no physical contact at all before he gets in behind me. It's mind blowing sex but when it's over and before I can even turn around, he's vacated the bedroom.
This gorgeous man who I've grown to love wants us to stay together forever but he has severe intimacy issues. Gahhh! It's making me insane! He's so beautiful...I want him so badly....I could feast on his entire body. I put much effort each day and evening into looking nice for him and being patient but to no avail. Though he tells me he loves me and praises me as a 'a beautiful and good woman' and 'everything a man wants to come home to' I feel unattractive and unloved. I take good care of him, feed him copious amounts of good food, continuing to give 100% (for now) while feeling tricked by him and ripped off. I tell him that I love him, how gorgeous, delicious, intelligent, competent, wonderful he is and how even a single slow kiss from him sends me to the moon. My affection is usually met with a grimace and is shrugged off, claiming it's unwanted because of stress, fatigue or any excuse that's handy at the time, it seems.
He hates being an alcoholic and tries hard to overcome it. I don't want him to fail but I'm secretly thrilled when he comes in late after many beers.I bring him to bed with me when he's drunk. I make sure he lays on his side and I wake him up to have a piss a while after he's passed out. Honestly? I love to simply lay beside him with my hand on his arm, caress him and be close to him. I don't care that he snores like a grizzly bear. During the night he finds me there. Groping, he hangs onto my waist or hip and locks his legs around mine. "It's a caveman instinct to make sure your woman is there and she can't be stolen from you" he insists. I take that as a compliment. The luxury of laying in his arms in a full embrace in the morning is blissful. The more he wakes the more physically distant he becomes.
Being in this relationship with this important element missing seems like a cruel joke. I'm very passionate and affectionate. He has all of me yet he shuns that part of me that's only for him. When he pushes me away I hurt and feel like telling him to pack up his stuff and go. I try to make a game out of it by stealing a quick cuddle/nuzzle and peck from him on the fly. I'm frustrated but willing to work at this with him yet I don't know how. Both in our forties, after our rough pasts, we deserve to be happy....and whole.
Oh dear! Another long, sad story from OGH. Sorry but you asked and it was my chance to vent. A more amusing one next time - I promise!
(OGH, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 20:40, 9 replies)

Will he go to counselling?
Seems like the only option.
( girlinthehole, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 20:47, closed)

Trying my hand at advice, not promising anything....
If he'd be like this forever you have to think if this is what you want? If you decide that it wouldn't work tell him that if this continues you will one day feel like you deserve better and leave.

That'll leave it up to him to decide if he thinks you're worth the effort of changing to be more affectionate.

Also, you could try comforting him and asking if he's alright. Perhaps he's just at a really low point or has low confidence...
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 21:06, closed)

I couldn't read this and not reply
No great advice, but can you see yourself with him in 20 years the way he's behaving now?

I don't know you, but from what you've posted here I think you deserve better.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 21:15, closed)

I have no advice
that I can give but I feel for you, I really do. That's so sad. Please don't give up on yourself.
(Fles is a man amongst gods., Sun 29 Jun 2008, 21:36, closed)

My advice for what it's worth - and feel free to ignore it!
Is to withdraw a little from him for two reasons...

1. You need to protect yourself just in case he decides that he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

2. More importantly it really sounds as if you are giving so much of yourself which is wonderful and giving of you...but he's not reciprocating, he's not giving back. Maybe the amount of affection you're lavishing upon him is just too much for him right now.
So many men and women fall constantly for people who treat them badly and behave badly - I'm not saying you're one of these, but maybe he *is*....So it could be that he places less importance upon you treating him well because to his mind that's what 'weaker' people do.

You're running after him and maybe he needs to be the one doing the running.

Take care of yourself, protect yourself.

If he's worth it he'll see that and he'll want to protect you.

Good luck.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 21:42, closed)

i may be a cynical old cow
but i can think of 2 reasons for his behaviour;

1) he has trust/commitment issues that need to be faced and helped before the two of you can enjoy a more loving relationship or

2) he is a manipulative bastard who has latched on to a vulnerable woman and won her trust and love, before proceeding to crush your confidence and self-esteem with this severe cold-shoulder treatment. if this is the case, you need to dump him now.

either way, take care of yourself and remember, there's a good chance i could be dead wrong. i hope for your sake that i am.
*hugs*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 22:17, closed)

To all....you are ALL right.
Many thanks for your input and I'll try your advice. For now I've asked him if they have counsellers at AA. I suggested gently that he could talk with them about it as it's not an uncommon thing. Maybe the drinking and that go hand-in-hand? I will ask him again.
I've been talking about it with him lately and I tell him how it feels. As I've told him, I can see myself with him in 20 years but not like this. Recently he's been trying in small ways, holds my hand for a few minutes while watching TV, touching my arm when he speaks.
He confides that he is at a low point of his life. Money, his aging body in his line of work, the booze, the rotten women in his past. I always let him know that I'm always on his side. When he's feeling good he opens his arms to me. When I ask if he's alright he askes me to massage his bad ankle and/or knee.
True: I deserve better and he reminds me of this often. I don't want to give up on him too quickly. Everything else is so good.
Also true: I should withdraw a bit and let him do the running.
For too many years I've been the nurturer, the manager, the nurse, the strong one, the troubleshooter...never the one lavished upon or being cared for. Gosh! What will I do? LOL
Yes, I do realize this relationship might not work and I might have to move on. I'll protect myself but boy, it'll hurt if it comes to that.

Smash Monkey? No, you're not a cynical old cow.
1. This is what I think too.
2. I tell him this when I get angry and you should see the face! He says it's a terrible thing to say. I do wonder about it....
(OGH, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 22:25, closed)

i'm glad you've been talking it through with him
i'm even more glad that he realises there's a problem and is willing to make an effort. sounds like there might be some good in him after all.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 23:18, closed)

I hope that it'll work out for you both
And that whatever happens you'll both be happy.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 1:36, closed)