Paint colours
Colours are lovely, aren't they? I've spent a fair bit of time recording colour information. It's amazing, for example, the variation in the colour of soil. There are special charts so you can determine exactly the correct shade of what invariably gets recorded as "mid grey-brown sandy loam".

When it comes to computer science, I'm yer woman if you want to know about colour perception and the spectral profile of different types of illumination. Colours are reduced to precise numbers, and to wavelengths. I have a spectroradiometer and I'm not afraid to use it.

Paint, however, is less of a scientific rigour. In paint factories some womble just chucks a couple of cans together, gives it a stir, and declares it "sunset breeze". Sunset fucking breeze? It's orange, mate, probably a particulary nasty 255 153 0 to be precise.

If Jim could fix it for me, he'd fix it so I worked in a paint factory for a day naming colours. I'd carefully mix my own Brilliant Sludge, Emo Twilight, and Vagina Blush 3. Then I'd properly catalogue the whole selection of stock using numbers. Big numbers. Then I'd go and sort out the people who manufacture stupid flavoured soaps.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 14:49, 43 replies)

Vagina Blush?
Is that the colour you get when you tell a rude joke while muff diving?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 14:53, closed)

Heehee!
I like rants about the insignificant things in life.

*clicks*
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:00, closed)

I like to think of Vagina Blush
as the nice pink colour of a healthy lady's undercarriage. Not to be confused with Rosy Cheeks.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:04, closed)

Would "Rosy Cheeks"
Be anything related to the aftermath of a hefty spanking?
( Cawl, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:06, closed)

Rosy Cheeks
which presumably is the colour of a healthy lady's face after attempting to have her wicked way with Bert?

EDIT - corrected the grammar to appease chickenlady in case she reads this.

edit2-corrected appalling spelling error in previous apology.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:06, closed)

Kaol wins
though I'll bet Sexmonkey's lass was a tad pinkish too.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:08, closed)

Yay!
I always win though.

I need to mix up a nice pot of "Gush Green"
( Cawl, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:10, closed)

Hmmmm, Gush Green
That's from a not very healthy lady's undercarriage is it?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:11, closed)

Nah
It's the colour of the "fun juice" from a burst abscess...
( Cawl, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:16, closed)

Colours
Putrid purple? Sepsis green?
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:39, closed)

Not forgetting
Phallic Magenta
( Cawl, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:40, closed)

You do know
the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:43, closed)

I've decided
that when I become a burlesque hula hoop dancer (I can only do two tricks so far) then my stage name will be Rosie Cheeks.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:44, closed)

@K2k6
Why do I always read things that make me laugh like that just as I'm drinking coffee?

@chcb - Is there a market for that? Sounds a very specialised vocation...
( Cawl, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:47, closed)

@CHCB
Rosie Cheeks, eh? I could make a joke here about "being in attendance at the opening night" but realise that it may be in poor taste.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:48, closed)

@Kaol
I'm not sure if there's a market for it. I figure there's a market for pretty much everything though. I haven't worked out how to strip and hoop at the same time - it's really quite tricky. When I work it out I'll go busking with it and see how the punters like it.

@Edmund: poor taste is par for the course round here.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:50, closed)

@CHCB
Getting your top off should be relatively straight forward (I speak as someone who can't hula hoop at all mind) but I can see the bottom half producing some serious logistical challenges.

Possibly the addition of side operational drawstrings, like on certain types of bikinis, on both a skirt and pants which could then be removed with your hands at your side whilst hula hooping over your forearms (I have seen this done so 'tis possible).
(Bazongaloid, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:53, closed)

@chcb
Have you considered body paint?
If you get it right, the hoops rubbing themselves against certain areas of your body *deep breath* would rub it off, exposing skin.

Now, if you can carefully regulate the hoop-orbit location... Fuck it, you're clever enough that I don't have to spell it out for you.
( Cawl, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:54, closed)

^^
Kaol's suggestion was much better than mine.

*goes and has cold shower*
(Bazongaloid, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 15:55, closed)

Kaol and Al
have all of the sense. The best I could come up with was a pedal operated series of electro-magnets, with your clothes being lined with varying amounts of metal.

Dada-da, dadadada
*bzzzt*
*thunk*
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:00, closed)

What about
just stripping first, then hula-ing in the buff?

Saves the complications, and I'd still watch!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:01, closed)

it's
nice that yous give these things such careful analytical thought.

Burlesque hooping is well-established though - I'm just too crap and too stingy to pay for lessons.

Edit: also, when I attempt tricks I make a stupid screwed-up concentrating face that looks as far from sexy burlesque as you can imagine.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:04, closed)

*Flips the switch on the electromagnet beneath CHCB*

(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:08, closed)

oi, Sexmonkey
be careful with that thing, you'll have my piercings out.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:09, closed)

Sorry!
*Picks CHCB up from the floor*

*dusts off piercings*

Good as new!

*hands over aluminium piercings for future use*
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:11, closed)

Well then...
I guess you could go to a show to get tips.

Or I could go watch a show. Then give you tips, because I'd obviously be paying rapt attention to the techniques, and not the... er... hoops...
( Cawl, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:12, closed)

Perhaps
there could be a B3ta meet up at a burlesque hula show, and then afterwards we could all give CHCB tips on her routine?

*has second cold shower*
(Bazongaloid, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:14, closed)

again
thanks for your altruism. I don't know what I did to deserve such friends who would sacrifice their evening for me and spend it sinning in a den of vice and iniquity.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:17, closed)

I find it a terrible burden
On my soul to "sin in a den of vice and iniquity", but I'd go so far as to have carnal knowledge of a cloven-hoofed mammal for you. But no further. Ever.
( Cawl, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:20, closed)

Baaaa!
*bleats*
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:21, closed)

@Kaol
you say that now, but you just haven't met the right crustacean yet.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:21, closed)

@chcb
I studied inverts for my degree... I'm not putting my plums anywhere near a lobster. They can taste your fear.
( Cawl, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:23, closed)

@CHCB
Er, you've never had any dealings with Max Mosley have you?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:44, closed)

^
Son of Oswald? Nope. Nor have I ever engaged in Nazi sexplay if that's the implication. (I did go to see Cabaret once, but I don't think that counts.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 16:47, closed)

My mate Kalki
is a hula hoop stripper. She also makes with the lessons and is verr good. Look her up on youtube.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 17:15, closed)

^wow
she's amazing! Love the elbow thang.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 17:22, closed)

She lives near Bow in london,
and is always up for doing lessons, she doesn't do classes but will do a one on one sort of affair.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 17:31, closed)

CHCB
I'll give you lessons!

I'm qualified as I used to teach hula hoops...to 5 year olds.

Also I have just the same shade of red lipstick at Dita Von Teese, oh and my hair is the same colour as hers too...well, when I don't dye mine and she does hers, if you see what I mean...
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 18:24, closed)

@CHCB
Sorry, didn't mean the Nazi thing, but ol' Max seems to like his personal entertainment a bit non-mainstream. Burlesque strip-hula-hoopery would seem to fall into that category!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 18:46, closed)

A combination of all ideas
If you're still unsure of which one of these wonderful suggestions to use for your act, try combining them into a single act.

You paint yourself with a layer of Vagina Blush. Then, you pierce yourself in strategic locations so that when trying to get the hula-hoop to strip off paint in all those hidden nooks and crannies, someone could turn on some tactically placed electromagnets at just the right time so you're more ... erm... accessible to the passing hula-hoop.

You should then call yourself "The hoopin' paint-stripper".

EDIT: Combine this with your waxing by placing a layer of hot wax on the inside of the hula-hoop. When the hairs are pulled out, you will scream in pain. Then you can call yourself "The whoopin' hoopin' paint-stripper".
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 18:58, closed)

^^
That is an absolute work of genius. Comments like that are why I love B3ta so much.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 21:31, closed)

Hahahahaha!
Hats off to mistaspakkaman, why is there no 'I Like This' button on replies?!
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 9:33, closed)

^^^^^
It's conversations like this that remind me why I come on this site. Gives me a warm feeling all over.
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 9:39, closed)