Oh, it's *that* kind of DIY disaster
I was on the toilet. I was a shy and awkward 13-year-old. It had been more than a year since I first noticed that girls had tits and other bits. Being a shy nerd, I had not made a single attempt to approach the sexier sex.

This you can imagine led to frustration. So far, the best way to deal with it had been to find some porn and look at it. This just intensified the sensation. It was pleasurable, but at the same time, it made me feel more frustrated. Sometimes, the pleasure in my innocent 13-year-old mind would hide the frustration, but rarely. This was years before the widespread availability of Internet pr0n. At the time, my only access to pictures of naked ladies had been through a friend who would show me his dad's badly hidden copies of Playboy. Sadly, this friend of mine had moved away so no longer did I see him or his dad's art-pamphlets. I had to make do with imagination. Luckily, I had a good imagination, but it wasn't the same as the pictures - let alone the real thing.

At school, I had briefly heard about something called 'masturbation' in sex education the previous summer, but my sex education teacher must have been feeling uncomfortable and quickly skimmed over the topic. Even though this was a few months after the fateful day my pituitary gland went 'ping', my teacher's very brief and embarrassed explanation failed to make me intrigued in any way.

So I was sat down on the toilet. I was having another one of those urges. Up until then, the only thing I had managed to do about it was to get an erection and move my self-awareness completely to my willy. Sometimes, I'd stroke it. This had little or no effect, but I'd still do so anyway. This must have been a form of tactile pornography.

So there I was with my bum planted firmly on the toilet. It was the bathroom toilet, so it was a fairly large room. There was plenty of space in front of the toilet. It was a wood-panelled bathroom with a carpet covering the floor. At the other end of the bathroom was a full-length wall-mirror. I could see myself in all my glory, but it was not myself I wanted to see, but a naked girl.

Now, I was both a tit-man and a fanny-man. If a naked girl had walked into the bathroom, I would have had three choices for things to look at, not to mention touch. All these parts had sub-parts. The breasts had nipples, and I had yet to discover the full range of what the lady-garden had on offer when in full bloom. Girls had a veritable Smorgasbord of parts. I had but the one. I could see it reflected in front of me. It wasn't what I was in to but it was there.

Length? spakkaboy jr was no longer jr to say the least. It was as if he had become an appendage with a life of his own.

My magnificent construction was starting to rise. It was very clearly visible in the mirror. My cockshaft was getting so long that the head started to emerge from the foreskin of it's own accord. All I could do was make it twitch. At this moment, a girl could have done me a great favour there and then. Here was a moment of frustrated lust that needed something doing to it. I was thinking about the various girls in my class at school. I had my favourites, but quite frankly, even the non-favourites would have been more than welcome at this moment. Were these girls even aware that they had the ability to do something so wonderful to someone? Not only could they have caused relief, but they could have intensified my lust and then relieved it in the most satisfying of manners. It just seemed like a terrible waste.

I was stuck here with just myself and my body. I decided to touch my shaft and close my hand around it in imitation of a makeshift vagina. I had tried this before. It didn't seem to do anything. Yet I kept trying it from time to time. Recently, I was trying this nearly every evening. I tried moving the hand up and down. It was not having much of an effect. I did however notice it start to feel nice and warm. I moved my awareness to my stiffy, and boy, was it a stiff one!

I kept doing this for a while. Eventually, I somehow managed to get the tip my foreskin stuck between my glans and my shaft. Combined with the hand-movements, this was feeling pleasurable - pleasurable but frustrating. It felt like it was glowing now. I had found the perfect combination of foreskin-glans-hand co-ordination where the rest of the foreskin would move around the lower half of my glans. The warm feeling was intensifying. Now, I was glowing hot.

I kept this up (oo-er) for a minute or two. My feeling of lust was creeping up. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but it felt good so I kept on doing it. Suddenly, I felt like I was being possessed. It was like my pelvis was building up a magical energy. Magic-juice was now running through my veins spreading to other parts of my body. This was starting to feel better all the time. It was more than an intense feeling of frustrated lust - this was something else, and it felt better. For once, I felt like my frustration was actually being satisfied. And then, an extremely great feeling! The feeling subsided quickly, and out of the eye of my one eyed monster came something that I had hard about … the legendary white stuff. I had never seen anything like it before - let alone something like it emanating from me.

While somewhat intrigued, I thought to myself "That’s it? It's so short!” Even so, I felt a bit relieved. At the time, I did not know what the word for this was called, so I just called it the 'fuck-feeling' for want of a better word. I still wanted the real thing just as bad, but at least now, I had had first hand experience of the legendary 'fuck-feeling'.

I decided it would be a good time to clean up. I got up, tripped over and landed flat on my face. It was then that I remembered that my dad had just tried to fit a new carpet in the bathroom.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:06, 52 replies)

*click*
because it's candid and amusing.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:11, closed)

click
because it fits in with what Wednesdays are now all about
(Bazongaloid, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:14, closed)

Very well written
not offensive, or particularly rude, in any way.

*clicks*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:29, closed)

@BMB
Quiet you!
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:29, closed)

Oh FFS!
Bert's here twice! How will we (and he/they) cope?

Hmm, you might have started something though. Maybe Rakky will remember her password too!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:33, closed)

I feel so torn though!
On the one hand I have a profile with a QOTW win on it and an icon, on the other I have my b3ta 'friends'.

What'll I do What'll I do?!
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:35, closed)

Shut up!
That's what you should do!

*Produces gun*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:39, closed)

NOOOoooooooooOOO....
..ooooooOOOOOOOOooo..!!!
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:40, closed)

Hmmm
We're gonna need a bigger goat.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:40, closed)

*Bang-bang*
*b-bang bang-bang*
*fires gun*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:41, closed)

Glad you liked it!
This story is 100% true right up until I tripped over the carpet. If feels great to be well recieved.

@BM & BMB: Glad to see you like it so much that you're using your second account to add an extra vote. If the two of you do hook up, would that also count as masturbation?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:42, closed)

...oooOOOooo...
*is dead*


Erk.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:42, closed)

I'm glad
that Bert banged himself before he fired the gun.

The other way around would have been weird.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:43, closed)

@Mistaspakkman
I think it might come under the category of incestuous necrophilia now.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:43, closed)

Hmm
I don't like how you put 'friends' in inverted commas, Sexmonkey. It suggests you don't take our supportive online community seriously.

*removes goat*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:44, closed)

It's ok, he's gone now.
CHCB coming from you, you little betraying traitor of betrayal...! :D

I read what you posted last night, and I'm very upset with you!

*cries*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:47, closed)

last night?
The one where I called you a weirdo or the one where I lent Enzyme a dress? Because when he's done with the dress you could maybe borrow it.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 13:55, closed)

I'm not sure
Bert would want a dress that's been uded by someone else. He does have standards after all.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 14:01, closed)

That was an exciting read...
So are there now two Monkeysexes?
Or did one kill the other, Fight Club style?

And, dammit, why does stuff like this always happen when I'm in the pub at lunch?
( Cawl, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 14:13, closed)

@CHCB
The one where you said that we keep hijacking your posts! Did you call me a weirdo too?! *flounces*

@Al - no, i don't.

@Kaol - Yes, he's dead now, and not coming back. Bwhahahaha!
Maybe you should never, ever leave b3ta? It's safe, warm and cosy here.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 14:34, closed)

@Burt
The Company frowns at me drinking in work time, so I have to go to the pub at lunchtime, or I'll shrivel up and die.
( Cawl, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 14:37, closed)

*frowns*
Take your PC/laptop with you.

I wouldn't want you to miss me killing one of my evil good twins again.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 14:41, closed)

It's one of those magic pubs
Not the "Is-actually-a-park-bench-and-a-bottle-of-vodka" kind, more the "Has no signal for any mobile communication machine" type.

It's good because I don't get calls saying "Kaol, some idiot has scrunched his hand in a giant machine, it's paperwork time".
( Cawl, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 14:54, closed)

people who are stupid enough
to scrunch their hands in machinery should be forced to do their own paperwork.

Magic pubs? The pubs around here are shite, but even so, it's a hard choice to make; b3ta or pub, b3ta or pub, b3ta or pub... it's like daddy and chips all over again.
But chips, much like b3ta, won't ever leave me.

/has abandonment issues.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 15:04, closed)

I'd say
Alcohol at work...
So get paid to drink, and cruise b3ta (it's like surf, but better).
( Cawl, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 15:20, closed)

That'll probably be how people end up
sticking their hands in heavy machinery.

Don't drink at work kids, it's not cool, though it does leave you feeling very happy and warm for the rest of the day.

I knew a chef who used to drink from a flask of whiskey he kept in his whites at work. His name was something Spearman, so we all called him Wrigleys.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 15:24, closed)

If I do that rubbish
Pornstar-name thing, where you take your first pets name, and your mother's maiden name, I get "Max Spearman"...

Couldn't get much gayer-sounding.
( Cawl, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 15:30, closed)

Better than mine
Goldie Watson.

Actually sounds like a plausible female 80s Pornstar.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 15:35, closed)

Pip Powell....
...sounds like a 70s DJ.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 9 Apr 2008, 15:51, closed)

OK Wankers.
It's nearly four o'clock. Get your wankables ready to wank.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 15:56, closed)

*Spaffs his dirty man-seed on your shoes*
Sorry.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 16:04, closed)

I thought it was
the name of your first pet and the name of the first street you lived on- in which case I'd be Cyril Paris.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 9 Apr 2008, 16:39, closed)

The first street I lived on...?
That would make my pornstar name Goldie Fergusley-Park, slightly more upper class sounding, but still a terrible name.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 16:43, closed)

That'd make mine
Max Dunmow-Road.
Rubbish...
( Cawl, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 16:46, closed)

Yay! Kaol's back!
Now if only al were here to lower the tone a bit.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 16:51, closed)

Thanks...
I'm going now actually, time to drive for an hour, listening to Megadeath.

Hopefully I'll manage to get first post on tomorrow's new QOTW, make it 3 times in a row...
( Cawl, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 16:54, closed)

Errrrrm
*thinks desperately of something crass and filthy*

*fails*

*cries in corner*
(Bazongaloid, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 16:55, closed)

@Al
Cock-ringed fudge-weasel?
( Cawl, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 16:57, closed)

On Pornstar names
I get 'Jet Harvey'. Not the good start I'd hoped for...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 17:07, closed)

Henry Downland
I wouldn't watch a porn film based on that name.

I was going to have a wank at 4 but some useless IT gimp was trying to fix my computer and I just can't seem to get it up without "www.BBWpregnantanalfisting.com"

*sniff*

Edit - "tries to remove hyperlink as nobody wants to look for that at work by accident"
(Bazongaloid, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 17:16, closed)

There you go al,
making the world a better place with your filth.

@Kaol, any good megadeth fan knows that they don't have an 'a' in the death part. Also, is it wrong that 'cock-ringed fudge-weasel' makes me hungry?

*moshes*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 17:20, closed)

seems like you've all been having fun without me
I just met my hero. He's lovely, he is. We drank beer and I gazed upon him semi-adoringly. Well, not so much. Actually, it was just like meeting a mate. A mate who writes killer songs in a cool indie rock band.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 17:33, closed)

Pornstar names
I get 'Tweety-Pie Harrisson'.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 17:35, closed)

Pornstar name
Penfold Kinsley



*wins*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 17:41, closed)

@CHCB
Glad to have you back. In your absence, we've had to resort to shoe-soiling seed shenanigans.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 17:41, closed)

my shoes
are new and don't need spluffing on.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 18:00, closed)

Well spotted Bert
I'm clearly less of a fan than I thought as I didn't notice that first time round.

@CHCB who is your hero and did you get him to have a wank at 4pm?

Edit - I think Monty's porn name sounds more like a TV gardener, or possibly a professional letter writer.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 18:17, closed)

^
my hero is the frontman for a not-all-that-well-known indie band. He writes good songs though, that's why he's my hero.

I didn't get him to wank at 4pm though I did find out that he knows of b3ta. I'm trying to entice him onto QOTW because he's very bloody funny.

Actually at 4pm we were both staring at the next table where Mike Leigh was sitting. One cannot wank over Mike Leigh.

My new shoes are green leather lace-up trainers. No one asked about them but I felt the need to tell everyone.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 18:20, closed)

Would I be a bad mother
if I let my 12 year old read this in lieu of "The Talk"? Spakka would do a better job than me, I swear.

As for porn names, mine is delightfully chavish:

Ginger Wiltshire
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 20:34, closed)

Well shit...
...if it's gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 9 Apr 2008, 20:34, closed)

^ Quick...
Give the Loon his medication... NOW!

Jesus! I can't remember the name of the last street I lived on, never mind the first.
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 21:40, closed)

@TDub
My story takes place in the 80's so instead of looking at a friend's dad's Playboys, he'd just have to learn to bypass the anti-porn filter on his PC. Apart from that, most of the rest of the story could just as well take place today (although he would have access to all sorts of information thanks to the Interweb).

Although all you need to do is tell him that masturbation is normal and a natural thing to do, and that if he has a 'wet dream' and leaves behind 'dirty' bed-linnen or pyjamas, you won't mind. With me, my mother told me the last bit and thanks to her I've had no hang-ups whatsoever, but I figured out the first bit myself.

Oh, and here's a good website that teaches you about masturbation and contains many masturbation stories:
http://www.solotouch.com/
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 11:44, closed)