Pearoast
A mate of mine had a girlfriend for a year before getting...ahem...'intimate'. He was waiting for the right time. The right time came on an excursion to Scarborough. Being in the hotel room next to them, I heard the gory details, included a large 'aaaaiiiiiieeee!!! It hurts'

Apparently, the guy covered his member with soap (for lubrication), and caused the girl great pain with it.

She thought it was best to see a doctor so, waking me up in the process, we went to the hospital, where she discharged after a few hours (ba dum tish!).

Unfortunately, the mate of mine, had forgot to wash off the soap after the incident, and by now, it formed an ever-tightening seal around his member. Causing him not only great pain, but worse, walking around with an erection wherever he went.

After a few days he told me that he had visited the GUM clinic, and said that he should soak his soldier in warm water for a few hours. Even then, it would take upto 3 days for his little guy to regain natural dimensions.

Never one to take doctors advice, he invented a quicker way.

He mastrubated with a piece of sandpaper.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:27, 5 replies)

not even vaguely plausible
not.even.vaguely.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:31, closed)

^this
bullshit was last week
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:36, closed)

i mean what kind of soap takes three hours to dissolve in water ffs
showers would take forever.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:38, closed)

Yeah...
and if they'd waiting a year before getting intimate, by that time she'd have been dripping like a Darwinian's lampshade anyway.
(electricteeth, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 18:11, closed)

Load of old bollox.
This is a re-telling of the "vicks" story in Trainspotting anyway isn't it.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 21 Jan 2011, 13:24, closed)