I can't attest to the veracity of this one as my dad told me it long ago. Still induces cringes...
Back in the '80s/early '90s growing up at my parents', my dad worked shifts as a textile worker (Oop North, though on an out-of-town industrial estate rather than in a dark, Satanic mill). The job required regular and respectful use of, essentially, massive fuck-off machines of varying degrees of crushingness, choppingness and mangleability.

Accidents happened, of course. My dad remained unscathed, but other more careless employees had lost a few bits and bobs here and there, ranging from a digit or two to, well, continued existence on the mortal plane. The goalkeeper for the five-aside team was famed for having two amazing shot-stopping hands, albeit with only six shot-stopping digits between them.

So, one of the lads on shift with my dad pays for a lapse of concentration with the loss of the tip of his middle finger, just below the nail. Painful, no doubt, but a lucky escape in comparison to some. Some staunching, a visit to A+E, the liberal application of gauze and bandage, a few days off work in a painkillered haze and a lesson learned. Job's a good 'un.

A few weeks pass and the dressing comes off, revealing his newly foreshortened finger. I always envision is as resembling an uncooked Richmond 64% pork sausage - smooth, wanly pink and unwholesome-looking.

The getting-used-to of it proceeds as more time passes, and soon enough, it's just the way things are. Which is presumably what makes the gradual appearance and growth of a little fleshy nubbin at the end something of mild interest, rather than a potential cause for concern. It's probably also the reason why our hero feels no need to visit a doctor, even if just to put his mind at ease.

Who needs a doctor to tell him what's obvious? It's obviously the lost nail pushing its way back out. Obviously.

So he gets the nail clippers

pincers the nubbin between the blades

and snips

the nerve ending

clear through.

He wakes a full two days later in hospital, finger freshly bandaged. I like to think that a doctor is at his bedside, looking down, his expression an open book. A book with one enormous gatefold page, printed with the words YOU DAFT TWAT.
(doran, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 17:04, 13 replies)

Congratulations
You've succeeded in making me feel really, really ill.

A click for queasiness.
(SimianKid internet faffer, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 17:17, closed)

Two days?
Did he also have a hideous dose of pneumonia mean that he needed to be sedated, ventilated and kept unconscious for two days afterwards?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 18:07, closed)

Oh, and peripheral nerve endings don't look like 'nubbins'.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 18:08, closed)

or act as 'off' switches for human consciousness.
Otherwise, you'd pass out every time you stubbed you toe, see.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 18:08, closed)

Basically I'm saying that this is almost certainly better suited to last week's QOTW.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 18:11, closed)

Some people can handle pain *a lot* better than others.
Maybe he passed out and banged his head, or passed out mightily from the shock? Shock can do weird things to people. I've never unexpectedly cut a nerve, or even, to my knowledge, cut a nerve at all, so I can't compare, but I'd say it bloody hurts! =p
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 20:04, closed)

2 days out from a cut finger?
Piss off.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 22:21, closed)

Perhaps he was sleepy...
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 22 Jan 2011, 16:48, closed)

Your dad was talking shite.
No'ffence like.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 19:02, closed)

Speaking as a person who occasionally dabbles in science I would like to confirm this.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 19:16, closed)

Speaking as a person who dabbles in medicine as a full time job I would like to second your confirmation.



(but nice story anyway, and beautifully told)
( sm.pl.crt.rs I don't fucking know, do I?, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 22:19, closed)

Exactly
Everybody knows people exaggerate and occasionally downright bullshit their way through the QOTW. So long as it's an entertaining story who gives a fuck.
(TheColonel, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 9:27, closed)

Beautifully written
I had a proper sympathetic hand-spasm moment at "snips".
( Fronds are waving gently on, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 22:58, closed)