b3ta.com qotw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » Down on the Farm » Post 1629154 | Search
This is a question Down on the Farm

Have you ever been chased from a field by a shotgun-wielding maniac? Ever removed city arseholes from your field whilst innocently carrying a shotgun? Tell us your farm stories.

(, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:19)
Pages: Popular, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

« Go Back

City driver in a farm town...
So there I was, driving through the countryside in my Honda Accord, I'd just had my bully guards polished and it was driving better than Tiger Woods in a lap dance driving range.

I noticed through my tinted sunvisor that a large 6ft 5” 7mm man was hanging around by the local duck pond. I pulled over and observed from afar with my Honda branded binoculars.

What I saw next made me boil with rage so much that my trousers fucked off, showing a cripplingly tight pair of muscle pants with a half broom-on ready to pounce. He was trying to sell massive drugs to new born duckings...the fucking PONCE.

I front flipped over to him, to give him a piece of my mind, but before I could say anything, the huge drug dealer swang at my chest with a knife, barely missing my Dungeons & Dragons jeans jacket.

Mistake number 1, I pressed my Accord key fob once, the indicator lights flashed indicating my growing level of 2.5litres of pure rage.

He then said that my mum can't reach the top shelf at the supermarket.

Mistake number 2, I pressed my Accord key fob twice, the indicator lights flashed two times indicating my growing level of V6 but with good fuel economy of pure rage.

He then went to touch my car...

THUNDER STRUCK! 3 strikes and you're out an waaaaaablebabies!

I backflipped through the sunroof of the Honda and put it into first gear, wheel spinning with caustic might, pinning the drug dealer to a nearby farmhouse, I screamed at him:

“You can try and stab at my jeans jacket with secret pocket for Panini football stickers, you can insult my mother who is actually average height, but you CAN'T TOUCH THE ACCORD AND FEED BABY GEESE MASSIVE SMACK, YOU FACKIN' BOOBY!”

I pulled my handbrake, forcing the boot of the car to roundhouse the punk in the face, instantly making him regret ever fucking with an Accord driver.

He wriggles free for a second and threw a goat at the 19” alloys of the insurance group 13 beast, but the my solid diamond Halford's windscreen wipers deflect the flying horned grumpy-sheep, I then use the quick release hood to uppercut him so hard he instant thumps out a poo from his bum onto the floor, tearing a whole in his joggers.

I get out, showing him the might of my now orbit inducing Broom-On which made him scream with fear. Chris Packham had also turned up to watch some buzzards circling the top of my now Himalayan bellend.

I grab him by the teeth and say to him slowly “Get out of here before I put my Accord in second gear...” Which instantly mades him cry and throw up. I kneed him in the whole body with one strike, sending him instantly into the next county.

What I didn't notice that the whole time a farmer's daughter and her 4 BFFs has been watching the Honda and were pawing at their muffs like a bunch of Pooh bears with a full honey pot.

I shouted to them to come and have a look at the new seat cushions I'd recently put in and that was it, Double Ds were fucking flying all over the proverbial shop. They all wanted to go for a drive and I couldn't turn them down.

They all jumped in and sat down...in the driver's foot well, ready to give my Honda fob and solid mouth polish.

I drove slowly as I didn't want them all to cum too fast at the though of being in an Accord so I kept it below 200mph.

The end.
(, Tue 29 May 2012, 19:09, 12 replies)

(, Tue 29 May 2012, 19:38, closed)
This is so awesome it just has to be true.

(, Tue 29 May 2012, 19:42, closed)
This is how it should be done.

(, Tue 29 May 2012, 19:52, closed)
(, Tue 29 May 2012, 20:18, closed)
Something about auto eroticism?
(, Tue 29 May 2012, 21:05, closed)
especially for "pawing at their muffs like a bunch of Pooh bears with a full honey pot".
(, Tue 29 May 2012, 22:45, closed)
Repeat performance
Gotta do this at least for the next 3 QOTW's.
(, Wed 30 May 2012, 9:43, closed)
Since brevity is the soul of wit, and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief:
You're trying too hard.
(, Wed 30 May 2012, 10:15, closed)
Total win, total click.
Several actual LOLs - "grumpy-sheep" being my favourite.

However, typo slightly mars it "Get out of herE".

Very good work, Gums - keep it up. 8.5/10
(, Wed 30 May 2012, 10:37, closed)

This was particularly inspired: "Chris Packham had also turned up to watch some buzzards circling the top of my now Himalayan bellend."

(, Wed 30 May 2012, 11:06, closed)
"my growing level of V6 but with good fuel economy of pure rage"
(, Wed 30 May 2012, 12:54, closed)
Almost perfect
just needed a beheading to ice the cake.
(, Wed 30 May 2012, 16:14, closed)
I did all that last tuesday but better.
*AB, where are you!*
This is awesome!
(, Thu 31 May 2012, 0:03, closed)

« Go Back

Pages: Popular, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1