God demands a sacrifice!
Back in the bad old days, I'd do stuff under the influence that would eat me up with guilt.

In a fit of hung-over remorse, I decided that to atone for my sins, God would want a sacrifice from me. Being that I was drunk when I did this (probably involving someone else's girlfriend), God would want a sacrifice of booze. And of course He wouldn't want me to quit drinking and keep my hands to myself, oh no. Just a sacrifice and He'll call it even. Not a whole lot of booze, I figured. Just enough that I wouldn't miss.

So I poured a shot glass of what I had available, and tried to throw it out the window. I'd wind up for the throw, but no no nonono, wait and stop myself. Wind up again... Aaagghhh! Just... can't...pour...it...out!!!

Okay, I'll just leave it on the windowsill and God will take it when he wants it. So on the windowsill it goes, and I try to watch TV. Five minutes later, I look out. Still there. Try to watch more TV, but can't stop wondering if God's taken the booze yet. Look again, nope, still there. More TV. Look again. Maybe I should try to burn it? Nope, it doesn't light. Only 80 proof, need at least 100 to burn reliably. More TV. Look again. Gosh, the shot glass looks pretty lonely out there. Oh, why oh why won't He take it? By now it has some black floaties in it. Maybe he doesn't want it? Maybe he doesn't want me to be wasteful? That's it, he doesn't want me to be wasteful. So I reach out, rescue the poor, cold, lonely shot glass, oh, I am so sorry, Mr. Shot, were you scared? I'm sorry, I won't do that to you again. Bad, bad God for not taking you! Ungrateful bastard! Come here, Shot, I'll treat you right...*gulp*

Then I treated the rest of the bottle right...
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Mon 19 Dec 2005, 17:47, Reply)