Only ever saw my Dad pissed once...
He came in, plonked himself down on the front room floor and sang me a song about Nelly Cartwright, who apparently couldn't fart right. This was due to a problem with her arse being airtight. A delightful tune accompanied by a chorus of brown noise from his nether regions.

My Mum on the other hand gets ratted on a regular basis and has recently taken to carrying spare knickers in her handbag as she has pissed herself at a number of family get togethers.
The shame of having your Mum barge past the queue for the loo and try to evict the current incumbent, only to return minutes later with piss all down her dress is something I have to put up with quite regularly.

None of the above has mentally scarred me, turned me in to an Alcoholic or made me want to cut myself, but I'm sure that the resident trolls and 'experts' will be along shortly to discredit my ramblings, accuse me of reposting an old story and then circle-jerk themselves into oblivion while I cry softly into my keyboard because of the bad men on the Internet.
(Bad Monkey hasn't had an abusive gaz since, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 11:35, 10 replies)

you were actually doing ok until the last sentence.
which unfortunately will be read as 'waa waa waaaah, your all horrid'. self-fulfilling prophecy, and that.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 11:39, closed)

Am I doing it right, mummy?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 11:54, closed)

You lying alkie crybaby.
Why don't you go and listen to Paramore and scratch your boyfriend's name into your arm with a pencil sharpener while I have a nice big wank?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 11:39, closed)

ffs
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:01, closed)

What?
I'm not allowed to make a fucking joke now?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:12, closed)

FWIW
Your comment did make me chuckle into my lunchtime coffee.

I quite like Paramore.
(Bad Monkey hasn't had an abusive gaz since, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:22, closed)

Success!
I confess I'm not even sure who they are ... I just googled for "soppy emo bands".
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:24, closed)

it has got quite stupid
them not you that is.

it's like they aren't even reading what you post now, just getting upset about it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:30, closed)

Like a baying herd of Sun readers round someone who looks a bit Muslim.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:44, closed)

ALLAHU AKBAR!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:46, closed)

or lists their job as paediatrician

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:02, closed)

Stone them
Drive them out. The dirty dirty bastards.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:58, closed)

Shambles is the new me.
Happy Phantom's even started following him around for fuck's sake.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:06, closed)

you've been gaining admirers for your medical knowledge
I bet you must be thrilled.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:10, closed)

I like to throw in the odd curve ball every so often.
It's utterly confused Kip.

Still, he does have the consolation of a stripper for a girlfriend.

As an aside, I'm astounded that no-one's cried at me for pointing out the very obvious horseshit in this.
b3ta.com/questions/drunkparents/post1101367
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:19, closed)

I know the girl you refer to
and she's his gf/ex's sister (I think), and she is actually a pole dancing teacher

I think no one has cried because it sounds a lot like horseshit, and you actually have some weight of knowledge to back it up.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:41, closed)

You're making a good point on that one
it's fucking shit.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:43, closed)

There you go
happy now?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:44, closed)

Nicely done.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 14:02, closed)

make as many jokes as you like. knock yourself out.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:39, closed)

That's very kind.
Just let me know when I cross the line, boss.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:46, closed)

If you think that will help you, sure.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:48, closed)

Would you like a hug?
I give famously great hugs. They sit on that perfect cusp between soothing and terrifying.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:52, closed)

All good for hugs thanks, but I am touched by the generous offer.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:53, closed)

Nelly Cartwright
The moon shines bright
On Nelly Cartwright
She couldn't fart right
She tried some asswipe
It didn't work right
It sealed her airtight
She took a tire valve
Shoved it up herself
Her pressure was too high
Now Nelly's in the sky
Now she's in orbit
Just like Tom Corbett
She's goin' round and round
And everything is brown

The moon is thick and hazy
It's Picadilly hazy
But know one can see it
Because of all the shit.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 11:42, closed)

Ahhh
It all comes flooding back.
(Bad Monkey hasn't had an abusive gaz since, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:22, closed)

You're not baldmonkey.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 16:16, closed)

Thank fuck.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 16:31, closed)