It wasn't ebay, but
around 10 years ago, the ex wife had been out to one of her many girl's nights out. She staggered upstairs extremely drunk to find me similarly pished, sat on my PC. I can't remember exactly what I was doing, probably playing Dopewars, or looking at ebaumsworld, or some other thing that people did back before the internet filled up with douchebags. A night chucking down red aftershock and vodka had rendered me in a fit enough state to consider a bit of drunken bonking, which after a mere 3 years of marriage was probably the only kind of shagging that remained even slightly sexy, so I retired to the boudoir... my ex, however, had suddenly become interested in the internet and was farting around looking at online shops. I have no idea how she resisted my manly charms, but as I lay waiting for her to come to bed, I inevitably conked out. When I woke up the next day, she was up before me as usual and life went on as normal.

Normal, that is, until the following tuesday, when the postman knocked on the door. He had a parcel that wouldn't fit in the letter box. I took it in, it was addressed to the ex so I gave her it and her face immediately went red as the memories rushed back.

Yes. It was one of them.

'The Jelly Green Giant' was the name on the box. It looked like the incredible hulk's arm, complete with realistically rendered veins. Whoever it was modelled on was obviously some kind of a genetic freak, even if their's wasn't made of transparent green rubber.

It was not particularly useful for the job it was supposed to do. Remember, the thing didn't fit in the letter box, so fitting it in my ex's box was only marginally easier. It mainly lived in a drawer, where it would glare ominously at me whenever I went for some socks.

I remember having a plan to plant it in the front garden for all the neighbours to see when we split up, but the locks were changed before I could do it. Probably for the best, if it had toppled over it could have squashed a small child.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 5:16, 19 replies)

Rabbit rabbit.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 11 Apr 2014, 9:31, closed)

Hahahaha
You get a click for "It mainly lived in a drawer, where it would glare ominously at me whenever I went for some socks", which is the finest sentence I've read today.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 9:41, closed)

^suck up

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 10:11, closed)

^flangehat

(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 10:23, closed)

^sutin sutin - FUCK OFF

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 10:31, closed)

^wangspanner

(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 13:46, closed)

^clitbearing

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 15:26, closed)

that's number wang

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 15:51, closed)

Mornington Crescent

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 16:51, closed)

^spunkmaticanklerotator

(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Sat 12 Apr 2014, 10:40, closed)

&fibialabiascrewdong

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 12 Apr 2014, 12:58, closed)

^fartgobblingcockbishop

(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Sat 12 Apr 2014, 18:59, closed)

%gibberingbrechtianantiheronobrotter

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 12 Apr 2014, 19:16, closed)

^ibetyousmellniceandhavewonderfuleyes

(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 5:59, closed)

no

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:46, closed)

^yourmouthsaysnobutyourotherorificesareasyetunaccountedfor

(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 10:59, closed)

It had a perfectly rendered 'eye'
that could probably accomodate a jumbo bingo marker.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 14:07, closed)

That's the trouble with silicon shlongs
Back in the day when a woman's last resort was a cucumber, once she was done it could always be cut up into the salad.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 13:44, closed)

This explains
all those odd tasting dinners.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 14:04, closed)