The evils of gastropubs
At the end of the road on which I used to live there was a traditional pub. It wasn’t the most earth-shatteringly amazing pub in the world, but it was handy when you wanted to be able to go out for a few jars and know that home was two hundred metres away. After I’d lived there for about a year, they sold out to some ghastly gastropub chain, which wasted no time in stripping down all the seasoned wood and replacing it with enough glass and burnished steel to rebuild Docklands.

Just to give it the benefit of the doubt, I did go there one night to see what they had to offer. The real ales had been replaced by whichever Eurolagers were trending at the time, but at least they had weißbier. They also had a range of dishes involving rocket, cracked sea salt and sun-dried tomatoes, and it was early summer so I had a poncey salad. The chemical interaction between alcohol and bruschettas was beginning to react, and I started thinking what a shame it was that I never cooked anything really adventurous at home.

Several pints of weißbier later, I returned to the flat and fired up the internet, determined to stock up on the most exotic and gourmet ingredients. Hark, what Amazon from yonder Windows breaks? Is that organic sea salt I see? Better get a whole fucking 1.5 kg bucket of it for all the haute cuisine I’m going to be making from now on. Let’s see…what else can I add to my magical basket of mail-ordered superfluousness? It’s summer now; what if, rather than jetting off somewhere expensive and sunburny, I actually got a paddling pool for the garden and invited my mates round? Brilliant! We’ll have barbecues and beers and there’ll be girls in bikinis (with a bit of luck), and paddling pools aren’t that expensive. Proceed to check-out, no gift-wrapping, enter card details, bed.

I was jolted awake the next morning by the sober light of day and was struck by the cold, hard realisation that there was no place in my life for either a bucket of salt or a pool. Twitching and gibbering with rage at having thrown my hard-earned money away, I threw a massive attention-seeking hissy fit on my favourite message board on the other side of the world.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 15:31, 8 replies)

Oh, well played.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 16:31, closed)

^^winner^^

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 16:45, closed)

Standing ovation.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 16:51, closed)

I believe this is what the youth call a 'zing'.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 19:17, closed)

Sir, I salute you!
*Applauds*
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 21:31, closed)

oh yes, this to win!

(katie hopkins telling it where its at, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 22:20, closed)

Fantastic

(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Sat 12 Apr 2014, 18:58, closed)