Dumbass nurses
Let's see, I have performed the following stupid nurse's tricks:

* drank an entire pot of caffeinated coffee while studying and spent the afternoon on the toilet groaning and squirting instead of studying. I learned the meaning of pebbledash that day.

*the next weekend decided to be 'one of the cool kids' while studying and attempted to light a cigarette (I have never smoked) off the gas stove. You know, just like all the cool kids do. POOF Burned all my bangs off plus singed my eyebrows.

*chopped chiles for chili con carne and then went to work. Rubbed my eye during report and screamed bloody murder, scaring the bejebus out of the patients.

*not recognized a patient when she took her wig off and demanded to know what she had done with Mrs. Robinson!?!

*when preparing my first deceased patient for the morgue, noticed my friend's hand reaching under the curtain to seize my ankle and stomped on his hand, thereby dislocating his pinkie.

* called into work and when my friend answered the phone I felt the need to tell her I'd be late because I was having fantastico sex with my new hot hunky boyfriend, the Englishman. In detail. In great detail. I was on the speakerphone.

*accidently broke my dead patient's wrist while trying to wrestle her into the outfit in which the family wanted her taken to the funeral home.

*again, while dressing a dead patient, put her Capri pants on backwards. No one noticed.

*slipped and fell into the hydrotub when attempting to bathe a patient. Proved Archimedes' Principle of Displacement. She thought it wildly funny when left in an almost-empty tub.

*leaned across a quadriplegic patient to fluff pillows and almost suffocated the poor guy with my own "pillows". He said, "What a way to go!"

*managed to destroy 2 additional patients' narcotics when discontinuing my own dead patient's meds. Didn't look at the names on the blisterpaks. I am now banned from that Alzheimer's care home. Not because I made a med error, but because I shrieked "For Fuck's sake!" when the director chided me.

*ripped open my own scrub top catching it on a metal projection on the bed, letting my tits fall out. Thank goodness I was wearing a nice bra.

*got caught by the patient looking down the scrub top of my really good-looking male student and being aroused by admiring his perfect chest. Yum.

*bobbled a (thankfully clean) needle and had it land straight up, quivering, in my foot. Do not wear suede Birkenstocks to work, no matter how cool they look.

*asked a patient I ran into on the street how her baby was. "Oh, uh, he died." was the reply. Kill me now...

*grabbed my friend the doc's bottom and honked him only.... It wasn't my good friend, it was a new doc; one of the most handsome men I'd ever seen. For some reason he avoided me the rest of his rotation. Sigh.

*tripped over the cord and unplugged the iron lung. Yes, I am that old.

*fainted in the midst of a delivery. Twice. One time I had just enough time to slam-dunk the 45 second old infant in his crib before I hit the floor. He was ok; the tensile strength of infants is very high.

Last but not least,

*three days ago, a colleague was playing with a SIX AND A HALF INCH LONG remote control tarantula and made it crawl towards me: www.amazon.com/Discovery-Exclusive-Radio-Control-Tarantula/dp/B000JM4S8Y
I saw it, leapt backwards and screamed "Fucksox!" at the top of my lungs. I am one of the Clinical Instructors of Nursing. Classy.

Apologies for thick, meaty length. licks corner of mouth
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 0:52, 6 replies)

and...
thats why we have mrsa... wash & scrub up properly before seeing any patient - just as though you'd been 'down pit'... shucks
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 1:55, closed)

That sounds like
Everything I hear my friends who are nurses talking about. You are not alone!
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 22 Dec 2007, 8:28, closed)

almost suffocated the poor guy with my own "pillows".
Pics please...

(What the hell, it's worked before!)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 23 Dec 2007, 23:18, closed)

Erm...
^^
What he said. For research purposes, you understand.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 24 Dec 2007, 10:25, closed)

Brilliant...
...clickety click!
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 1:26, closed)

feedingtimeathtezoo
I had washed--we do a surgical scrub after putting on our scrubs. Even after scrubbing there was enough oil residue left to burn holes in my tear ducts.

At that time, MRSA and VRE weren't the scourges they are now--we had pseudomonas auruginosa. It smells very distinctive and puts off a lovely teal/blue/green pus. One of the patients I had that day used to pick at the P. auruginosa scabs at her trache site, then wipe her hands on any unsuspecting nurse she could reach. After the Chili Incident, that was almost a relief!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 3:26, closed)