Me grandad (QOTW answer again)
Fucking mental bloke, have posted on here before about him. Utterly mad logic to his brain, bordering (and venturing into quite regularly) highly abusive.

Many examples for this;

1. Grandad Tom and me dad goes to a social club. All the tables were taken up, so Tom heads to a table with 3 old ladies on it. "Right, get up, thank you...." he says while pulling a seat out from under one of them.
"Well I never..."
Tom, quick as a flash, "...and you won't with a face like that, thank you, fuck off please."
Instant free table result.

2. Drink driver extreme. He'd drive 40 yards up a small hill to his social club, get pissed as fuck, then drive back and normally park in the wrong drive. One time he did this and coupled his voltzwagen onto a HEARSE, which was parked up in some mourner's drive. When realizing his mistake, he drove back out amd dragged the hearse with him back to his house a few doors down. Much hilarity ensured (police, mourners, undertakers etc etc).

3. He used to practise darts in his kitchen while gran was cooking. She would literally walk back and forth "across the ochie", or as we called it the pantry door, darts missing her head by millimetres.

4. He beat up his next-door neighbour's cat because it was stealing his kitten's milk breakfast. Well I say beat up, he picked it up and punched it into a shed door.

5. He told me when I was 11 in front of all me family that I was the last male family member with my surname, so I should get out there and get fucking :)

6. He was fucking awesome at chess. I mean dangerously fucking awesome. He'd play games by mail for months. Scary good. Never made any money from it though :(

7. He hates religion. If anyone turned up on his doorstep preaching he'd chase them right up the road while screaming "Leaching bastards!!!"

There are more, but they are some of my faves :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 17:57, 8 replies)

Hearse!

Nice story though
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 18:39, closed)

What do you mean?
*ninjas*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 18:48, closed)

Wow!
That must be, like, the slowest Ninja in the hole wyde wurld.

I was going to say something, but I thought it was some reference to the Voltzwagen.

Tsk, young people. Sometimes my head Hertz. (Now look what you made me do, tsk indeed).
( Ghoti Fingers, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 20:57, closed)

did you take his advice about the fucking to heart?
also, merry candleday!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 19:53, closed)

He beat up a cat?
Oh Noes!
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 2:24, closed)

It was mugging his kitten every morning though
The cat didn't do it again after that, who'd have thought?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 8:45, closed)

There is a slight difference between....
Being eccentric and just being a cunt.
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 9:27, closed)

I agree
sounds like a total arsehole to me. What a prick..."oh it's fine, he's an old man ho ho ho, different generation etc"...please, makes me sick. Transplant the word "Grandad" for "18 year old chav" and it isn't so funny any more, is it?
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 11:01, closed)