I'm on fire!
Thanks to some brazen click whoring*, I now bring you my (almost) Darwin award winning attempt at throwing a seven... Not quite as potentially deadly as my previous post, but ends in embarrasment for me, which is always a winner on b3ta.

Many years ago while still living at home, I managed to get away with smoking in my bedroom - parents dead against it but you know how it is when you start, you think nobody can smell it as long as you puff towards an open window occaisionally.

Anyway I'd crawled out of bed after a few ciders and threw on my dressing gown, then went hunting for the first ciggie of the day. Didn't take long to find, but a light? Hmm, matchbox sogging and wet from the rain the night before on the stumble home. Matches dry, but nothing to strike them on, well not least without making some effort - and I was a teenager with a hangover.

An idea started to form in my addled brain...

This was the late 80's, and I had some wallpaper that, in the style of the time, can best be described as 'ribbed'. Great! Why don't I use this to strike a match on? Eureka!

First strike - nothing.

Second strike, more force - nothing but a slight brown mark on the wallpaper.

Wanton vandalism wasn't really my thing (killing the family with second hand smoke was my first passion), so the third stroke was to be the last.

Nothing.

Exasperated I dropped my hands to the side of me and peer around in the gloom to see if the magical lighter fairy had made a special delivery.

WOOOOOMPH!

The whole of the right side of me, from top to bottom had gone up in flames.

"AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! Fucking HELL!".

I have never taken off any clothing more quickly (thinking about it now it was lucky that I had something so easy to get off quickly like a dressing gown but it would have been better if I had not worn something so flammable in the first place). It was on the floor in a (literal) flash, with a naked, wide eyed, swearing DeadEye jumping up and down to put the final licking flames out. Just as my mum ran in to see what I was yelling about.

It must have been a mindbleach moment for her anyway.

_{* Thanks to those with a sense of humour who replied - I only wanted a couple!}
( DeadEyeDick, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 16:56, Reply)